They’re Coming for Our Balls

Posted: Nov 20, 2011 12:48 AM


A public school in Toronto has put a ban on most balls their kiddos toss around during recess because school administrators have deemed such projectiles dangerous. Well hello, wittle wussies.

Hey, I’ve got an idea: Maybe we could get the overzealous Canadian ball-banner to take Holder’s job at the DOJ. Think about it. Given this Canuck’s proclivity toward protection I bet he’d make certain that thousands of AK-47s would not be purposefully given to Mexican drug cartels (which they could later use to kill our border agents).

What’s that, you say? Dudley Do-Right can’t serve in the DOJ because he’s not a proper U.S. citizen? Why, sure he can! Obama could help him hop over that hurdle because he’s a specialist at getting around constitutional conundrums. Anyway, I’m getting off track by dreaming. Allow me to get back to freaks who forbid footballs.

Banning balls? Sure, that’s what we need in the 21st century … baseballs, footballs and dodge balls barred from this crop of squashy kids. Are you kidding me? As if North American kids weren’t lame enough already, they now have Nerf balls to prep them for the real world. Hey, Earl Beatty Public School: While you’re busy outlawing hard balls, why don’t you also mandate that everyone in your school wear pink tutus, chartreuse neckerchiefs and signs on their butts that say, “China and Islamic Radicals: Kick Me Hard.”

In this day of Puss ‘n Boots squish, do we really need more softies who don’t have enough sense to avoid getting hit in the mouth by a slider? Getting rocked up in the face by a fastball could be the best thing that ever happened to your stupid kid. Pain is God’s way of telling your lackluster boy to quit texting and watch the game.

I hate to break it to you, molders of young people’s minds, but life—like sports—is dangerous. If you remove potential playground danger from the educational equation then you’ve effectively dulled young people to both the risks and rewards that living in the batter’s box brings.

Here’s what I propose to toughen up our antibacterial gel-slathered wuss kids. For sports, I say children go back to playing tackle football without pads on the street, roller hockey on Walmart parking lots, and then finish the day with high-velocity pellet gun target practice on raccoons. For refreshments we give Generation Waah Coca-Cola, Funyuns and a cigarette. That’s what my generation got, and I guarantee we’re hardier, in better shape and more productive than the weenies being groomed today for the socialists’ purposes.

Hey Beatty Public School wizards: If you truly want to protect kids while they’re in your care, instead of focusing on balls perhaps you should ban their lesbian Marxist social studies teacher braying her failed worldview; get rid of the CAIR operative convincing them that Islam is the yummiest thing since Charms Blow Pops; or sack the sex ed teacher who teaches sex ed by having sex with Ed, the fourteen-year-old glee club president.

Soft cultures lead to spoiled Occupunks who blather about how bad they have it to their stinky hippie friends via their iPads—and that’s the last thing we need. I say we bring back Sparta’s agoge for the young ‘uns.

Here’s my latest video that’ll help your kid not be a poodle.