President Barack O’Drama

Posted: Jul 17, 2011 1:08 AM
According to House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, Obama is pretty adept at tossing temper tantrums. Yep, last Wednesday during the Debt Ceiling We’re All Screwed Talks, rumor has it that BHO threw a hissy fit and stormed out of the meeting because he wasn’t getting another trillion dollar squeaky toy. He’s a dandy, ain’t he?

Now, in all fairness, who can blame Barack for having a fit? This presidential crap is harder than it looks, folks. This stress can kick your keister!

No doubt before Obama stomped out of the wake-up call from hell meeting he was thinking:

1. My hair’s turning grey. I used to look like Tracy Morgan; now I look like Morgan Freeman.

2. Michelle’s still eating Shake Shack burgers, chuggin’ chocolate milkshakes and wearing lime green Capri pants … in public.

3. Bill Clinton has forever ruined it for me to get some on the side.

4. Biden’s nuttier than a squirrel turd.

5. I could be golfing today.

6. The homosexuals are hounding me to green-light their gay nuptials. They’re so gay. 7. I need a cigarette, and I can’t smoke in public.

8. My presidency is morphing into an abysmal failure.

9. I’m at war in Libya.

10. Everybody’s on to me.

11. According to Frank Luntz I’m polling badly with Malia and Sasha.

12. My socialistic policies are smashing the prospects for growth and whizzing on any vestiges of hope for the hurting, and …

13. The shelf life on my “blame Bush” default button has officially expired!

“To hell with this! I’m outta here!” And off he went. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp.

I hear these types of outbursts are typical of metrosexuals, two-year-olds and drunken, over-tanned hobbits from Jersey Shore. I have also been informed that these untoward displays are a manifestation of a high-grade histrionic personality disorder.

In the spirit of trying to be positive, the upshot of Obama’s amazing outbursts is at least he’s good at something, eh? So, instead of judging him for acting like a petulant child we should rather seek to understand and control his tantrums while he deals with the brutal realities of his feckless economic policies and the fact that his mantra of hope and change turned into a frickin’ ball and chain for the American collective.

Here’s my advice for the lawmakers who have to interface with our oh-so-sensitive Demander in Chief. Since it would look weird for a grown man to receive a spanking for acting like a spoiled kid, I suggest the following to help manage his bellicose behavior.

First off, be aware of predictable situations that can be expected to trigger his temper tantrums, such as bedtime, suppertime, getting up, getting dressed, bath time, car rides, public places, interactions with peers, drafting public policy and answering questions from FOX News reporters.

Secondly, realize the marks of temper tantrums. Now, truth be told, from time to time all of us will bellyache, bicker, hit, shout, run, and disregard the American public. Temper tantrums, although ordinary, can become upsetting to colleagues because they are embarrassing, challenging, and thorny to manage and explain in grown adults—especially if that adult is the President of the United States. On the other hand, temper tantrums can become “special problems” when they occur with increased regularity, passion, and duration than is typical for the age of the president.

Given the president’s proclivity for temper tantrums, his colleagues must be fully aware that it is much easier to ward off temper tantrums than it is to handle them once they have erupted. So, here are some suggestions for preventing temper tantrums and some things you can say to the president before he blows his stack:

• Reward him for positive attention rather than negative attention. During situations when he’s prone to going postal, catch him while he’s being good and say such things as, “Nice job sharing with Boehner.”

• Distract the president by redirecting him to another activity when he throws a tantrum over something he should not do or cannot have. Say, “Let’s read a book together.”

• Change environments, thus removing the president from the source of the temper tantrum. Say, “Let’s go for a walk.”

• Make sure that Obama is well-rested and fed in situations in which a temper tantrum is a likely possibility. Say, “Supper is almost ready, here’s a butterscotch for now.”

• Avoid boredom. Say, “You have been working for a long time. Let’s take a break and do something fun.”

• Increase your tolerance level. Are you available to meet the president’s reasonable needs? Evaluate how many times you say, “No.” Avoid fighting over minor things. • Keep a sense of humor to divert the president’s attention and surprise the president out of the tantrum.

Now, there are a number of ways for lawmakers to handle a temper tantrum. Strategies include the following:

• Remain calm and do not argue with the president. Before you manage the CIC, you must manage your own behavior.

• Think before you act. Count to 10.

• Hold the president who is out of control and is going to hurt himself or someone else. Sing a song in his ear like “Hakuna Matata” or something.

• If the president has escalated the tantrum to the point where you are not able to intervene in the ways described above then you may need to direct him to time-out (one minute per year old).

• Talk with the president after he has calmed down. When he stops crying, talk about the frustration he has experienced. Teach him how to try a more successful way of interacting with his peers and recognize the feelings of others without hitting and screaming.

That should do it for now. Good luck, boys and girls. We’ll be praying for you.