A Redneck’s Bitter and Clingy Thanksgiving List

Posted: Nov 27, 2010 10:54 AM

I love Thanksgiving—not that I need a special day to remind me to be thankful to God for the insane provisions of His eternal grace and the temporal goodies He bestows on my goofy, sin-laden head. I live in a cloud of thankfulness on a daily basis. Yep, I am always giddy and ready to give praise to the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost for His person and work because without Him, this dork would be undone.

This past week on ClashRadio.com I rattled through a list of stuff that I’m especially grateful for. Here’s what I scribbled down as my bitter and clingy list of Thanksgiving gracias:

1. As a rank sinner I’m thankful for Jesus Christ’s atoning sacrifice for my multitudinous sins.

2. I’m thankful for the Scripture because through it I know that Jesus is not some squishy bearded lady communist whose chief goal is to make us lame doormats for evil spirits and the people and governments they inhabit.

3. I’m thankful He’s given His church the power of the Holy Spirit that affords us the wherewithal to overcome our sin nature, live a killer life, and through prayer and action topple the impenitent, godless idiots who are trying to turn our God-blessed nation into Courtney Love’s liver.

4. I’m thankful for my family. My wife of 22 years is bold and beautiful. That’s right, they named the soap opera after her. Good luck finding a woman like mine, gents. Also, both my daughters are badasses. They’re righteous and rowdy, are accomplished lasses, and haven’t cost our nation a penny. Matter of fact, Hannah saved our nation a few billion when her work exposed ACORN’s dirty deeds. In addition, I’m thankful for my soon to be son-in-law who is a true man is the classic sense of the word.

5. I’m thankful for America’s armed forces. To think that our troops are stomping those who virulently hate the USA into oblivion so we can go and do our thang from sea to shining sea gets nothing less than a standing ovation from me.

6. I’m thankful for the millions who comprise the Tea Party and how they’re at our government’s jugular vein for the myriad ways in which Washington D.C. attempts to screw us. Be afraid, D.C. Be very afraid.

7. I’m thankful for my guns. Yep, I’m forever appreciative for our nation’s recognition of the “no duh” God-given right to keep and bear arms. I love my various rifles, shotguns and handguns. I’m getting all emotional just thinking about them. I have guns for protection, sport and hunting. And you know what? Such a privilege isn’t afforded to certain citizens in crap nations, which makes me grateful that America hasn’t completely lost its mind. Join the NRA.

8. I’m thankful for the socialists, anti-theists, demons and those who despise freedom, family, faith and our nation’s flag. Yes, I’d like to thank you because you ramp up my mind, my attitude, my loyalty to God and Country, and my study of our nation’s history and founding docs. Indeed, you’re my reason to get up every morning, to write, to do my show and to produce videos with a vengeance. Without you and your wacked worldview, your screeching lesbians, your nightly news hacks, and your America-loathing rhetoric I wouldn’t have the resolve and the capital to auger for that which is holy, just and good.

9. I’m thankful for all the haters and the hate mail they spawn (usually anonymous) and the ridiculous comments they make about me because they cause my product sales to surge with every belligerent post. Rock on, morons.

10. And lastly, I’m thankful for FOX News because if it weren’t for FNC, Bill Maher and David Letterman would still be thinking Obama is just jiffy.