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ACORN Goes Madonna and Tries to Reinvent Itself

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

Why in God’s name would ACORN fold its national name and rebrand itself under a new make and model? I thought Bertha Lewis, the L.A. Times, the New York Times, Wade Rathke, Carrot Top, Rachel Maddow, Keith Olbermann, Beelzebub and Ed Schultz declared ACORN to be innocent, lily-white virgins of virtue and truth who were viciously slandered and preyed upon by the crazy college pranksters Hannah Giles and James O’Keefe and that dastardly dude Andrew Breitbart?

It’s really weird, at least to me, that ACORN would fold up the “glorious name” it has worked so long and hard for just because of some little “inconsequential” and “highly edited” videos were thrust upon the public by a couple of twentysomethings and a 41-year-old blogger. Geez, ACORN, stand your ground, mates.

Game Change FREE

I mean, if I were innocent, as ACORN screams they are, I wouldn’t change my name, blink, flinch, or alter a flippin’ thing but would instead plow on with my head held high, deftly defying all my detractors. Yep, the naysayers could kiss my skinny backside. But that’s just me, and I’m weird.

Be that as it may, ACORN, in an odd move given their overly-declared innocence, has decided to fly under new names. Don’t judge them. Who knows, maybe they are Simon Templar or Madonna fans and are freshly hip to the reinvention thang?

Some of their newest names, to add to the 300 plus they already utilize to surreptitiously screw America on our tax dollars—I mean help poor people—are:

• New York Communities for Change
• Alliance of Californians for Community Empowerment (or ACCE)
• New England United for Justice

Those are sweet names, aren’t they? Hell, if I were part of the FBI, DOJ, IRS, Treasury, or Magnum PI, I would immediately stop all investigations into ACORN, their gazillion subsidiaries and these various new entities because with names like that they have to be squeaky clean corporations of goodness and helpiness. I think I’ll take a bong hit. Hold on. Okay, I’m back.

My buddy Hambone Tweedle does not share my altruism toward ACORN’s new and unsuspicious aliases, however. He thinks ACORN has launched an insultingly obvious and odious scheme to decentralize and hide themselves in order to continue their dirty deeds done on our dime. I know… he’s soooo negative, eh?

Hambone believes ACORN can’t operate under the radar effectively since Hannah Giles, James O’Keefe, Andrew Breitbart, Anita Moncrieff and others stomped a mud hole in their chest by exposing ACORN as the scab we all thought them to be.

Hambone believes, therefore, that if they’re going to change their name after 40 years of corruption at the highest and lowest levels they should be more forthright about who they are and what they’re about. For instance, Tweedle has come up with the following suggested acronyms for what he deems a nefarious organization. Check ‘em out:

• Societal Assistance Through Action Now (or SATAN)
• Association of Hucksters Obama Lovingly Employs (or AHOLE)
• Saul Alinsky’s Converted Kids Operating Clandestinely and Radically Against American Principles (or SACK-O-CRAAP)

I told you he was negative. (Oh, HT just texted me to ask you to submit your own acronyms for seedy ACORN!)

And lastly, Hambone went on to tell me that ACORN might, like Madonna, start speaking in a British accent, adopt/steal black babies from Malawi, marry Guy Ritchie, French kiss Britney in a snow cone corset, date only Brazilian dudes named Jesus and diet and work out so much that their arms look like turkey jerky. But even so, they will still be a grody stain of corruption on America’s grey matter that a simple name change could never unchange.

RIP ACORN 1970-2010.

• Check out my latest video, A Time for Anger

• And give to Hannah Giles’ Defense Fund at

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