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The AfPaki Attack: Will Political Correctness Castrate it Before it Begins?

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

This past Friday Obama told the planet that he’s about to go medieval on al-Qaeda and the Taliban in a Full Monty AfPaki Attack. God, I hope so, both for our national security and for the sane Muslims who are sick of existing in squalor, blowing themselves up for a living, listening to clerics who are nuttier than squirrel turds, missing out on BLTs, and having their clitorises circumcised for “Allah.” If I were a Muslim chick and heard that a knife was destined to be on my naughty bits when I hit puberty, I’d start planning a Shawshank escape. Hey, teacher, leave that clitoris alone! I have two words for that smack: in sane.

Yep, for the globe’s pursuit of life, liberty and happiness, I hope that under Obama’s command our boys rain hellfire and damnation—crusade style—down upon these un-evolved al-Qaeda and Taliban oxygen-stealing toads.

Having said that, I’m having a tough time buying our Teleprompter-in-Chief’s new rowdy persona. I pretty much think that all politicians currently sucking air from Barack to Blagojevich (and every scary clown in between) are full of more crap than a colicky kid’s Huggies. I have officially become what Steven Tyler would call, j-j-jaded (and they’re the ones who’ve jaded me).

As I was watching Obama outline how he plans on throttling Osama and the boys, I kept flashing back to Michael Jackson’s 1987 Bad video. Y’know, the one in which there was a great disparity between the lyrics and what they purported and the dude who was singing the song. Michael said he was bad, but it didn’t register with us rednecks. It just left us snickering.

Obama is saying he’s going to go Mach2, and as stated I hope he carries out what he lined out on Friday to the fullest extent. Heck, I’ll cheer him on if he’ll do half of what he said he’s going to do in this Global War on Terror. Wait, what’s that? We can’t call the war a War any longer or the terrorists . . . terrorists? Why not? It’s motivating for soldiers. It might not be for Pelosi’s babies, but the words “war” and “terror” are meat to the military.

Oh, so now it is an Overseas Contingency Operation? Well superkalafragilisticexpialadocious! (I don’t even know what that means, and I have’d it twice.) Let’s see: We’re overseas, doing an operation with contingencies. Scary, eh? Well, isn’t that special? Why stop there, PC police? Why not call it The Hello Kitty Campaign?

This politically correct hip and cool new nomenclature for killing terrorists in a war presupposes, I suppose, that such semantics will get dyed-in-the-wool terrorists to dial down (while pleasing the Eurosofties) by refusing to define the enemy as they really are, namely in-frickin’-sane terrorists.

For me it’s stuff like that, the PC shtick that makes me fear Obama’s going to waffle and not follow through once the fresh stuff hits the fan in Afghanistan. And Pakistan. That’s nuclearized Pakistan.

Let’s say we compromise, we, the civilian serfs of Obamaland, will call the war on terror an overseas contingency operation (wink, wink), but over there we’ll keep the PC BS out of it, por favor.

For the sake of our soldiers and planet, can we do the following? 1. Can we call it a war?

2. Can we call them terrorists?

3. Can we have a strategy to win? Is that too much to ask?

4. Can we not worry about helping their economy until we send the terrorists in and around the countries to an early hell?

5. Can we have one, not two or ten, but one, Pattonesque General in charge who doesn’t give a plug nickel what any Nancy from NATO thinks? Can our commanders command without fear they’ll go to jail if they hurt an enemy combatant’s feelings? They’re currently being tied up with more red tape than a female intern at Bill Clinton’s casa when Hillary’s out of town.

6. Can we shoot our guns 20 meters from their feet to get them to give us some intel to protect our troops (i.e. Capt. Roger Hill) if need be?

7. Can we keep producing nukes? According to Frank Gaffney, founder and president of the Center for Security Policy, “The president is on a path to denuclearizing the United States by refusing to modernize the arsenal or even to fund fully the steps necessary to assure the viability of the weapons we have.” 8. Can we continue the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy? Must we inject open homosexuality into the mix? What’s next? Pink camo patterns? Frank Gaffney again: “It is absolutely predictable that significant numbers of servicemen and women—including many of the most experienced commissioned and noncommissioned officers—will retire rather than serve in conditions of forced intimacy with individuals who may find them sexually attractive. The effect will be to break the all-volunteer force.” 9. Can our DI’s continue to curse and yell at our recruits, please? Full Metal Jacket style? Have you ever thought that their inner child might need its ass kicked?

10. Can we keep up our spending for the military? Must we cut our military budget 10%? According to Frank Gaffney, “The cuts will preclude much, if not virtually all, of the modernization that will be required to prepare the U.S. military to contend with tomorrow's wars.” 11. Can we keep Gitmo open for business?

12. Can we keep on waterboarding? Waterboarding ain’t torture. That’s what anyone who has ever water skied or wake boarded has had to go through. I know, in the spirit of PCness, let’s call it “teaching them to water ski” minus, you know, the skis, Coronas and the chicks in bikinis. We would get information from them and they would learn a skill, barefooting. It’s a twofer. When Obama heals the world, the “contingents” could then return to Suckistan and be a part of a heroin-funded Water Park and do daily shows. Thoughts? Say what? Their countries don’t have any water? Or fun or entertainment? Oh. Well, never mind.

13. Can we continue to play music like, “I’m proud to be an American” at our bases and in the theater still? Must we now play, “do you really wanna hurt me” or “why can’t we be friends”?

14. Can we refuse to appease uncut, unmellowed Muslims? According to Gaffney, “A ‘respectful’ Obama administration seems keen to embrace those in the Muslim Brotherhood and like-minded Islamist organizations who seek to impose the toxic theo-political-legal program authoritative Islam calls Shariah on distant populations and insinuate it into our country.”

I believe if our commanding officers and soldiers are “allowed” to do the aforementioned that our ferocious fighters won’t be frustrated and our enemies will be eviscerated. If not, we could be headed for an AfPaki bog that would make Vietnam look like a tiff with the Vienna Boys’ Choir. Lastly, I hope to God and all that is holy that Barack isn’t feigning a show of strength for republican applause or that this was some box to check off on his narcissistic bucket list or a pathetic diversionary dog wag to get our eyes off his admin’s mismanagement of our economic slop. Unfortunately, only time will tell.

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