God and Glocks: Why Churches Should Not be Gun Free Zones

Posted: Dec 15, 2007 8:47 PM

Seems like the whiny babies among us have decided to lethally arm themselves and take out their post-pubescent “nobody likes me” rage on innocent people in schools, shopping malls and now . . . churches.

Yes, in the last ten days we have seen Napoleon Dynamite look alike Robert Hawkins kill eight innocent people at a mall in Omaha and then blow his own head off. Here’s an aside . . . Why can’t these warped records start with killing themselves? I think I speak for all Americans when I say, hey psychopathic mass-murdering jackass who intends to kill others and commit suicide: Do us all a favor and start with suicide. Begin there, with your death, okay?

Moving from the shopping malls to the hallowed halls of the Church, this past weekend we saw the brutal slaying of Christians at New Life Church and at a YWAM training center in Colorado. The culprit? Matthew Murray, a twenty-four-year-old pathetic toad.

I’m sorry. I’ve got to apologize. I sound way too harsh, don’t I? Y’know I really shouldn’t be so judgmental—especially since I’ve just received some pertinent information about why Matt killed four innocent people and wounded multiple others.

I just found out that Murray grew up in rather harsh conditions. Yep, it seems that young Matt was living at home with his mommy and his neurosurgeon daddy in the lap of frickin’ luxury in an opportunity-rich environment. Wow. Who could handle all that stress?!? That’s enough to make any of us snap.

In addition, I’ve just heard that there were three more major reasons why he was so incensed:

1. His parents wouldn’t let him have the Playboy Channel on his 96” plasma TV (unconfirmed).

2. They limited his text messaging to 200,000 texts per month (unconfirmed).

3. YWAM rejected him three years ago from being a part of their organization for health reasons.

It appears that M-squared had no other recourse but to act out aggressively. Who among us can blame him, huh? That’s enough to push anyone straight over the edge . . . isn’t it? I mean, c’mon . . . think about what he had to slog through in life: Opulence + Parental discipline + Limited cell phone use + A little rejection = Murderous rampage.

What’s that, you say? You think that the above sounds like a bunch of psychobabble and therapeutic twaddle? Yeah, I guess you’re right and that I was correct in being rabidly judgmental after all; he was an idiot, and we all should simultaneously loathe and forget him for what he did. Thank God the media is not giving this turd too much attention.

This latest church shooting serves as a screaming wake up call to all Kum-Ba-Yah pastors, priests and parishioners who haven’t woken up to the violent reality of the 21st century. Our culture has become the Wild West all over again, except this time around the culprits aren’t cowboys but cry babies who have decided to pack it in because life is hard and unfair.

Given that young people are opting for murder verses sucking it up and getting a life, ministers had better morph PDQ from imitating Mr. Rogers to mimicking Clint Eastwood’s character in Pale Rider.

Which brings me to this question, pastor: Exactly what kind of armed arrangement do you have in place when Beavis shows up at your worship service ready to kill congregants because he couldn’t sing in the choir?

What’s the plan, man of God, when some Son of Sam commanded on high by his English-speaking black Labrador enters your comfy Community Church with his 9mm with ten loaded clips?

What are you going to do? Pray? Run? Cower behind the pulpit or under a pew waiting for the cops while the dillweed empties his clip into your crowd? If New Life Church would have done that, Murray, armed with multiple guns and a thousand rounds of ammo, would have made Virginia Tech and Columbine look like a walk in the park.

This is the ultimate What Would Jesus Do query, eh?

I think if Jesus were placed in a similar situation as the New Life Church security guard, he would whip out his Glock and double tap the center mass of any wannabe killer who was attempting to put a bullet in one of his defenseless disciples.

I know that doesn’t fit with your bearded lady, soft focused, Precious Moments figurine version of Jesus that you’ve been worshipping for the last twenty years, but it does square with the Christ of my Bible. (By the way: I read The Redneck Common Sense, Good People Live, Bad People Die version of the Bible. It’s printed in Texas, and you can get a copy at www.You’dBetterWakeTheHellUp.com).

Look, pastor, let me help you out: The job of the shepherd is to serve and protect sheep, and in this permissive, paranormal and “progressive” postmodern milieu that means not only with TLC and sound doctrine but with several semi-autos and some Cor-Bon hollow points. I know it’s not a pleasant thought, and they didn’t tell you this stuff in seminary, but this is the world we live in, and this is the hand we’ve been dealt, so . . . play it like a poker champ. Be relevant.

If you or your church do not know where to begin or would like some advice on how to protect the few or many people in your pastorate, go to www.ChurchSecurityServices.com and have them help you assess your situation and get appropriately armed to the teeth.

Lastly, obviously, I’m thinking as good Christians we should send a message to all the evil Matthew Murrays out there that we are here to help them and will walk them through whatever funky stuff they’re having to field.

However, if you, the struggling and confused guy with guns, won’t let go of your demons, know this: We are watching you, we are prepared for you, and we will have no problem whatsoever dropping you in your tracks as soon as you draw your weapon on innocent people. Yes, the wages of sin is death, and we’re now here to inflict it if you force our hand.