I think I speak for most heterosexual males when I say I’m not homophobic but chick-o-centric. Let’s keep it positive, okay? It’s not that we dislike you, the gay guy; it’s just that we really like girls. It seems no matter how long we compliantly spend in rehab undergoing the most stringent psychotherapy to rid ourselves of our knee-jerk to your mate choice, the simple fact is . . . heterosexual guys don’t “get” gays. Period.
Heck, we don’t understand women. What makes you think we’ll ever understand a man who doesn’t like women yet wants to be a woman? You just rifled right over our heads. In addition, not only are most men incapable of comprehending what a man sees in another man, we also don’t care to try to because football is on—so can we all just shut the hell up with the gay stuff and watch the game?!?
Please, rehab freaks, you’re wasting your time on the heterosexual tribe trying to get us to be cool with that which is incomprehensible to us. Just like the homosexual, we are quite happy with our sexual bent and our own little world, so leave us alone, por favor.
Now, this doesn’t mean that heterosexuals hate you, the homosexual. It simply means we’re focused on women; which, by command, causes our paths of camaraderie to part. No, this is not a phobia and it doesn’t mean we loathe you. It’s simply the funk of nature. As a matter of fact, I have several friends that are gay. I kind of view them like dolphins; they’re fun, entertaining and creative. I truly enjoy their presence. I just don’t know what they get out of eating mullet. My homosexual acquaintances view me in a similar light.
In the spirit of continuing diplomatic relations with homosexuals, you the gay person, has got to help me out a little bit. If girls are so icky and men are so mondo-jovial, why do you and a lot of your reps take on feminine mannerisms and dress? I would think that if you are going to be gay you would at least be a man about it.
It’s the same thing with many lesbians. I don’t get you. When I hear you speak, it’s always “men suck, men are beasts, women rule,” yet some of you “ladies” dress and act like men. You wear men’s Dockers, men’s Polos, you’ve got a short, man’s hair cut, you’re looking like Joe Pesci with breasts. You’re an ugly version of us. I’m just thinking out loud here. What’s-the-dillio? Please explain. It seems as if you would embrace femininity in all its glory like Carrot Top does red hair coloring. Where am I going wrong?
Now, let me help you, the gay constituency, to understand us girl lovers a tad. Most Chick-O-Centric males would not raise an unwaxed eye brow at a homosexual man if he would not shove his gayness in our faces. It’s the flamers that freak out most heterosexuals. Case in point: Bobby Trendy and Jay Alexander. They seem like nice guys, but the pink hair, lip gloss, heavy eye liner, constant limp wrist and lisp is overkill. Why not, instead of emulating a TBN host, you follow Rob Halford’s lead? That would make it much easier for us to have a beer with you. C’mon . . . work with us, we’re trying to get along.
Here are 10 more things you should know about most typical heterosexual males:
1. Just because we like art and fine furniture, wash our cars, regularly bathe and brush our teeth, and like nice clothes doesn’t mean we’re latent. What it means is that your team doesn’t have a monopoly on taste or decorum.
2. No, we don’t want highlights in our hair or a manicure/pedicure.
3. We think Vespas are for beautiful girls to ride. Not guys. Harley’s, custom West Coast Choppers, Triumphs, Indians or Von Dutchs = a dude’s bike.
4. We don’t like dogs that have “toy” as a prefix to their name.
5. A hunted wild animal’s gut pile is a glorious and beautiful thing. Long live the hunt and the hunter.
6. Keep your lip gloss; we’ll use our Carmex.
7. We like boots not flip flops.
8. Normal men do not like Celine Dion. If you see us crying during one of her shows, it’s not because she struck a nerve with a ballad; but rather we are lamenting our manhood slowly draining away from us as we sit here, for the eight time, and listen to this chick whine.
9. When we look at a pretty girl, we think “wow” and say, “howdy.” To us, the lovely lady lumps trump a man’s hairy back any day. Call us crazy.
10. We don’t think Adam and Steve is an improvement or alternative to Adam and Eve. But that’s just us.
The above 411 doesn’t mean we be hatin’.
Now, lastly, for those of you heterosexuals that are in competitive sports and don’t like to shower with gays, that’s cool. It’s your right to scrub your butt with whomever you choose. You gay guys should understand our reluctance and not make a big deal over it. I confess, I’m uncomfortable with showering with a homosexual, unless of course it was Portia de Rossi, and I wasn’t married.
To remedy this situation, I propose the following: how about two shower facilities: one for the heterosexuals demarked by a gigantic poster of Beyonce’s Sport’s Illustrated Swimsuit cover and one for the homosexuals with a big honking 48 x 60” framed print of Ryan Seacrest wearing a chartreuse colored Speedo. There now … is everybody happy?
* Logon on to ClashRadio.com and check out Giles’ new video “It’s Time Conservatives took Comedy Seriously.” Also, listen to his interview with Fiona Capstick, widow of the great African hunter Peter Hathaway Capstick. She is the author of the new book The Diana Files: The Huntress-Traveller through History.