Anna Nicole Smithing

Posted: Feb 17, 2007 8:46 PM
Anna Nicole Smithing

Not every girl wants an education, a righteous vocation, respect from decent people, excellent health, a happy family and the enjoyment of a long and fulfilling life. With the advent of Anna Nicole Smith and her ilk, Girls Gone Wild and Internet Porn, it seems as if today’s ladies would rather be known for no panties, making out with their girlfriends at Coyote Ugly, snot slinging drunkenness and having their college orgies broadcast on YouTube. You go, girl. Show you’re right.

Get it right, you holier-than-thous: not all lassies want a well-thought-of life. So back off. Some girls are chomping at the bit to step into Anna Nicole’s bra and replace her as the next human freak show. And who are we to stop them?

Conservatives, and especially us Christians, should not judge people but rather help people fulfill their dreams—even if they are not our dreams. We must remember the 11th commandment of postmodernism, namely, “thou shalt not judge.” Yes, within the secular would-be world, it is forbidden to forbid. Put that on you’re refrigerator, you buckle-shoed killjoy.

So, instead of offering some legalistic and graceless judgmental blast towards those babes who are following (or wallowing) in Anna Nicole’s path, here instead are eight helpful tips to assist you ladies in Anna Nicole Smithing (ANS) your way through life. Are you ready? You are? Then let’s get busy!

1. You’ve gotta have a “To hell with education” mindset. For all you ANSers out there, let me help you. All you need, as a maximum, is an 8th grade edumication. That’s all. Barely finishing the 8th grade furnishes one with enough 411 to make retarded, irrevocable, life-demolishing decisions. So, just stop, drop and roll right there, girl. Anyway, everyone knows that 9th grade can be real yucky. With all that English blah, blah, blah . . . and the Algebra, crazy letter, math fraction whatever junk . . . and that PE stuff and the World Historizzle crap?!? Puh-leez. You don’t need all that, girlfriend. Hel-lo . . .

2. Wannabe ANSers, you must also blow off common sense and get married when you’re 17 to the first 16-year old fry cook you meet. This little brain fart will get you the heck away from the house and all those people who rain on your dream of being the center of the universe.

3. Next, to be an effective ANSer you’ve got to get an idol. I recommend choosing a deceased, drug abusing, divorced multiple times, lost soul known only for her looks, her promiscuity and her booze and dope dependency who died at a really young age as your god. Put her posters on your wall. Act like her. Have a plastic surgeon carve up your body to look like her. Then, go bonkers doing what you imagine she would do if she wouldn’t have OD’d on Nembutal. In addition, sell your soul down the river and fully employ your faculties to become recognized as an equal (or a better) ditz to the dead chick you worship. You must have a vision.

4. When earning minimum wage starts slapping you around, instead of getting an education, retooling and rethinking your multiple idiotic decisions, just start showing guys your boobies. You can begin wherever you are. You can make good money doing this. And we know life is all about money, don’t we? For instance, you can do this for cash in the break room at WalMart or next to the deep fryer at Krispy Fried Chicken (watch out for that hot grease, though!). Once you plow through decency and your conscience has decayed enough, I would then go public with your act. Look, your body is what God (if there is a God) gave you, so why shouldn’t you trade off of it? I can’t think of any reason why not to. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, right? Y’dam right.

5. When you, the ANSer, begin a life of stripping or some other form of pornography, the probability of becoming self-conscience about not having 36EEE puppies might start to wear on you. If you happen to be mammary challenged, you need to follow Anna Nicole Smith’s lead and jam huge silicone sacks into your chest. On second thought, forget the silicone and stuff your chest with 15lb Everlast medicine balls. Kawabunga! That’ll get you some Benjamins.

6. To move up the ANSing ladder you must give a lap dance to some billionaire Methuselah who looks like Gollum. I’m talkin’ about a very, very wealthy and nutty octogenarian. Not only that, but you’ve got to bump & grind him so well that he coughs up not only his dentures and the Similac snack he had that afternoon, but a wedding ring and half a billion dollars. C’mon girl. Snap that thong, snap that thong, get a diamond ring and bang that gong!

7. Another thing that’ll help you scoot on down the ANSing road is to turn your vagina and all other orifices into a revolving door. Yes, when you want something like a Louis Vuitton purse, a Toyota Camry, a Tiffany charm bracelet, a breast upgrade, lip injections, Methadone, the principle part in a D-grade lesbian sci-fi flick or a house in the Bahamas . . . well, the best way to get your way is to have sex with whomever has the denari (remember point 6!). Look, that’s easier than all that working/waiting nonsense, isn’t it?

8. If you, the ANSer, choose to procreate, just make sure you do not cease your selfish and hellish lifestyle and that your kids get swamped in your wake. First of all, if you want to have a child, instead of having your kid with one man that you love, I suggest having intercourse with several men in ages ranging from 20 to 70, from photographers to princes. Secondly, to make sure your mayhem has a multigenerational effect, drinking and doing drugs while pregnant is a good way to accomplish this end. Thirdly, as your child grows, let him see that you never abandoned your destructive habits. Fourthly, if your weirdness doesn’t seem to be adversely pummeling your child, then surround yourself with creepy, opportunistic lawyers, folks with better drugs, TV producers who’ll give you big money for staying wasted and “yes men” who’ll never tell you that you are a stupid, stupid woman.

Remember ladies, when you’re attempting to court catastrophe and you don’t know what to do, simply pause and ask yourself the question, “What would Anna Nicole Smith do?” Then follow suit (keeping the above list handy is helpful, too).

Look, Anna Nicole didn’t live long, but she looked like she was having fun—didn’t she? She was on TV a lot, which was pretty cool. Since we have evolved from the fairy tale stage of religious beliefs in all that personal accountability, salvation and damnation stuff, we can rest assured that Anna Nicole has simply passed (as you will also) from one party to the next. Therefore, proceed on, girlfriend, and keep on Anna Nicole Smithing.

* Logon to and check out Doug’s audio interview with Ned Rice, co-producer with Joel Surnow (24), of the new Fox show The Half-Hour News Hour airing this Sunday @ 10pm [EST] on the Fox News Channel.