Avoiding the Date from Hell: The Final Warning

Posted: Nov 25, 2006 12:01 AM

Being semi-“out there” in the public eye via my Townhall.com column, ‘net presence, ministry, a little TV and my radio show, I get to hear from a lot of people. One thing I hear constantly from single girls is their dating and marital horror stories. I hear comments like, “Guys are jackasses, jerks, scum, sleaze bags, dufuses, low lifes, lazy, abusive, etc. . . .”

I’ll grant that some of my male brethren can be brutish, but . . . uh . . . at the end of the day . . . unless you’re a pre-teen girl who’s part of a Warren Jeffs-like FLDS cult, nobody forced you to date or marry said jackass. Ultimately, it’s your fault if you find yourself in cahoots with a creep. Somewhere along the line you blew off wisdom, counsel and common sense. I know that’s tight, but it’s right.

If you have blown it relationally, girls, don’t despair. There’s always hope; however, you’ve got to wise up. As one of my friends says, “If a donkey kicks you once, it’s his fault. If he kicks you a second time, it’s yours.”

Here are several “no-duh” safeguards that’ll keep you girls from getting relationally donkey kicked. Practice them, ladies, and you won’t have a dreadful dating life that ends up with you marrying the anti-Christ. Blow them off, and all I’ve got to say is, “Prepare to kiss the running chain saw of life.”

Having covered “no duh” point one (get a life before you get a date) in my last abecedarian article, I’ll now flesh out my five final warnings for all you girls to contemplate before you date.

Number Two: Get a grip.

The first thing to go when someone “feels” they’re in love is all cognizant thought. Yeah, here’s where the hormones forcefully kick logic’s butt to the curb and begin to drive the girl’s life like a drunk (or sober, for that matter) Gary Busey.

When the blood drains from the head to the crotch, men call this enjoyable but often-disastrous phenomenon thinking with their “little head.” Though minus the particular member men are guilty of being partial to, girls can also make massive mistakes when their heads switch off and their “hearts” switch on.

Ladies, the key to keeping your pretty feet tethered to the planet when you roam out into the dating Serengeti is . . . (drum roll, please) . . . to think! God gave you a head, so use it. Get a grip. Try to stay sane, girlfriend, so that romance doesn’t eclipse common sense.

If you find that you’re having problems using your noggin, do these: first, keep your hands off each other ‘til your brain catches up with your body. Second, don’t blow off family and friends, because they can help you see through the veil of crap that most bad guys hide behind.

Number Three: Get someone compatible.

Paula Abdul said, “it ain’t fiction it’s a natural fact, we come together cuz opposites attract.” And who are we to question the multiple divorced and serial bad dater, Paula Abduh? Girls, forget Miss Abdull’s advice. Sure, opposites attract, but the real question is . . . will they stay in tact when the poop hits the fan? And the answer is, highly unlikely.

Y’know, finding someone like-minded doesn’t sound as sexy as dating the brooding, in and out of jail, melancholic, mysterious, exotic wannabe rebel flute player for the rock band Oasis who needs your breast to lie on in order for him to make sense out of life. Yes, ladies, if you’d like to have a successful relationship with longevity, you’ve got to blow off the Sugar Daddy, the Tommy Lee or the Olivier Martinez idol you’re worshipping and realize that compatibility, not fantasy, is the key to the kingdom.

Number Four: Get Virtuous.

Not letting the dillweed you just met hump your leg anytime soon is usually a sure-fire way to cudgel off the date from hell. This is no secret; the gibbering monkey that’s inside a guy’s pants wants inside of your pants, and he’ll do anything to get it there, muy pronto. Yes, Pollyanna, men will lie, swear, pretend, go to church, walk backwards, watch Marie Antoinette or Nell, listen to Mariah Carey or Celine Dion, etc., just to unleash the beast.

However, ladies (if you haven’t learned this yet, you will) once you let them in they are officially on their way out, and all you’re left with is the icky thought that you actually had sex with the guy who drops fries at McDonald’s. That’s a horrible notion. Plus, there’s about a 25% chance that you now have the gift that keeps on giving, an STD. Yippee!

Look ladies, reality is that sex with most guys is as about as eventful as an October Fest in downtown Miami. Don’t believe me? Then ask some of your violated girlfriends after they’ve had a couple of beers. They’ll confirm it. Being virtuous and guarding your garden ‘til you get a worthy dude to put a ring on your finger saves you from the BS of possibly getting saddled with an STD, or becoming pregnant, or having your soul shattered like an ostrich egg shipped FedEx overnight when the guy finally dumps you for your room mate.

Save it ‘til you get married, girls; because a guy who’ll that wait that long is either gay or he really, really respects you. Hopefully, it’s the latter.

Number Five. Get Solid Boundaries.

Another great way to avoid dating some yard ape is to erect massive boundaries around your life. Have who you are and what you’ll tolerate so solidly defined that all goofy guys can read it and weep.

You’ve got to stay guarded, girls. Let the guys call you stubborn, selfish, holier-than-thou, unfeeling, unyielding, unbeholden and unloving when you stay in your values corner. At least there won’t be some porn video of you and him floating around on the internet for your grandparents to have emailed to them via YouTube, eh? With ‘60 ft. tall razor wire metaphysical prison fencing placed around you, you will assure that all suitors will respect you, and you will never be controlled or manipulated by some crotch rocket (which is a big plus).

Number Six: Get and Keep Your Own Place.

Don’t move into a guy’s house. This equals loss of authority. This is a stupid move. Why does this act equal dumb squared? Well, you give a dude all the perks of being married without any commitment. And that’s what the date from hell loves: zero commitment. By having as an absolute standard that you will not move in with a guy until you’re wed, you will weed out all wankers. The truly great guy will respect you more for your self-control, which, by the way, is a must for any healthy marriage.