Jose, can you see?

Posted: May 06, 2006 12:05 PM
I love Latin people of every stripe, i.e., European and American. I dig their food, their wine and their women. As a matter of fact, I married a European one. An Italian to be specific. She’s got dark hair, dark eyes, olive skin, more attitude than Sophia Loren and curves you could break your neck on. I’m shvitzing just thinking about her.

The feisty and fun Latino vibe is one of the reasons why I, a pigmentally-challenged man, moved mi familia to Miami. Now that I’ve been in South Florida for a decade, heck, half of my best friends are Latinos (the other half are imaginary animals that scream curse words in a high pitched mandarin accent at me during the night).

I said all of the above, not to bore you to death with my dorky preferences, life and dementia, but rather to slay any notion that I’m some David Duke xenophobe when it comes to Latinos and their plight before I start to hammer them.

Listen, I do not hate Mexicans nor do I hate anyone based upon the color (or lack thereof) of their skin. That’s stupid. I follow Dennis Miller’s mantra and try to get to know all people better so that I can hate them for deeper and more meaningful reasons.

Speaking of hate . . . it seems like anyone, any longer, that has any standards and won’t roll over and wet themselves when their sensibilities and convictions are violated is now deemed a hater. That is, unless of course, the person with the standards is a liberal—and then the person’s not a hater but a defender of truth.

Today, everyone who does not blow off and seem completely breezy with our borders being more open than Puffy’s pores before he began to use ProActiv is seen as a hater . . . a vile, racist that hates struggling, poor people.

I, for one, think that’s pure, uncut nonsense. Everyone nowadays knows that we’d better not be hatin’—but is it really hatin’ when all we, the haters, ask the illegal aliens to do are the following:

1. To approach the USA respectfully; this means a) legally and b) in English. I personally am getting pretty tired of hearing, “for English, press one.”

2. To not expect us to mangle the Star Spangled Banner just to accommodate you. You, señor, are here, in the US, and now you must speaky English. FYI to the illegal alien: America is a melting pot, so . . . melt. Nuevo himno, my white hiney. It is the National Anthem.

3. To salute, I’m mean, to revere, our country’s flag. It’s great to have the Mexican flag hanging from your rear view mirror to remind you of your roots, but don’t expect that flag will be flown next to the red, white & blue as an equal on our soil, comprende? Why? Well, some Americans still love our nation and the flag for which it stands. You understand . . . it’s the reason you’re escaping here in the first place, remember?

4. To love our country and dream our American dreams. Not the communist/socialist dream, but the American dream. If you don’t, then sneak back across the border. If your former country was and is so bueno, and ours is so bogus, then why the heck are you here? Beat it. Rapido.

5. To not come close to tabling the Reconquista crap around us.

6. To understand that to myriads of Americans, you’re not an undocumented worker, but an illegal alien. Operative word being, illegal. Il-legal. That means NOT legal. And for those of you who think this is a derogatory term, give me a break. It’s not a cut down, or a personal attack, or a means to exclude you from your basic human rights; it’s a legal term used to define status of citizenship.

7. To promise that if one of your kids turns into a gangbanger and starts to break our laws that you will whup his butt with that same stick you guys use to split a piñata open and be the first to insist on our justice system giving him what his crimes deserve before he rapes, robs, kills or does any more damage to one of our legal citizens.

8. And if you’re not going to immigrate legally, then you must vow not to protest, tie up our cops and their precious time, clog our highways or demand squat from our cities, states or nation. The only thing you’re entitled to is to be arrested and deported. Bear this in mind, por favor.

That’s all we haters ask. If you, the illegal alien(s), do the above, you’ll find us quite the chipper and accommodating crowd that would love to crack open a Corona with you and wolf down tamales while enjoying a mariachi in the background. However, if you don’t play by our nation’s distinct terms while you’re on our God blessed turf, then don’t think it odd if . . .

1. We commence to building a wall on the US/Mexico border that can be scene from outer space, one that’ll make the Great Wall of China look like a white picket fence around Dennis the Menace’s house.

2. We send bricks to congress, via For those wishing to send congress a brick to help them get more serious about border security, why not go by Taco Bell while you’re at it? Get ‘em a taco to send with the bricks. You know, because people get hungry while they’re building a wall.

3. We really jump behind the as they watch our borders more closely than Britney monitors Kevin while he’s in Vegas. This will, as it is proven, make it immensely more difficult for you, the illegal alien, to swim, jump or run over here. Speaking of swimming, running and jumping . . . if you guys don’t stop flooding across the border to the US, then Mexico will not have a decent Olympic team. Think about it.

And lastly, once again, if anyone, anywhere thinks that the good people’s concerns for the law of our land and the defense of our nation can be construed as hatred for alien’s or a minority race, I think I can speak for all white people out there and say that if a blue eyed, blond haired people began sneaking into our country in droves, violating our laws and jeopardizing our national security, that we would want to kick their skinny white backsides back to whatever Teutonicville they came from.

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