Pucker.  Release.  Pucker.  Release.

Posted: Oct 15, 2005 12:05 AM

In May of ‘05 I began a series of articles where I unveiled the secrets of achieving a hideous subsistence.  Because of my adult ADHD, long afternoon deep-REM-delirium naps, a kudu hunt and ogling the Westley Richards’ website way too much, I was derailed from revealing the final three keys to a cruddy life. 

Thanks to the gentle goading of my advisory counsel comprised of the Indian in Jim Morrison’s visions, Courtney Love and an imaginary friend I call “Skunk Boy,” I am back on track.  Below are the previously covered Se7en of the 10 Habits of Decidedly Defective People.

1. Be a slacker
2. Blame others
3. Embrace hopelessness
4. Follow others mindlessly
5. Be a wet blanket
6. Hang out with morons
7. Be a self obsessed me-monkey

Herewith is the eighth key to crippling your existence:  Stand for Nothing.

Historically, effective people, who have shaped society for the better, have been people of conviction.  Since you’ve determined to be a decidedly defective dupe, you must avoid standing for truth the same way Mary Kate and Ashley eschew food.  Yes, conviction, taking your stance for time-tested verities, has been known to cause nations to change and people to prosper and since your goal is to be a troll, feckless compliance is a foundational key to unlock mediocrity’s door.

I must warn you as you set out to embrace the chameleon’s life:  being spineless and an ardent “yes man” will initially bring you favor and, therefore, it will bring you some measure of success.  But don’t fear.  Your success will be limited and very short lived, and you’ll quickly be forgotten.  So don’t sweat it if, in your pursuit of pusillanimity, you see growth, as it is only temporary success that will not strangle your long term desires for dearth. 

Anyway, back to being a doormat.  To skirt the victory that comes with being bold in your beliefs there are a couple of things you must put between your cheek and gum and chew.  First off, you must deeply believe that nothing is worth fighting for, much less, dying for.  Work this mantra into your mind:  peace is always preferable to conflict—even if the times demand an ideological or physical throw down. 

Lock your soul’s sights on being a survivor and not a warrior.  Never mind that surviving is sometimes the worst thing that can happen to you when the situation calls for you to do something sacrificial that might cost you a party invitation or a pound of flesh.

Segueing off the “survival at all costs” motif, of necessity, the capitulator must quickly learn to become an excellent kisser of the gluteus maximus.  You’ve got to get good at this if you want to shed from your soul every ounce of dignity.  Dignity, forthrightness and the determination to stand-alone and oppose that which is wrong will hurt your desires for a defective life.  If this stuff somehow becomes part of your MO . . . well . . .  you’re doomed; eventually you would become something, and we don’t want that to happen, do we?

In order to succeed at acquiring a sucky existence, you must remember that getting along is more important than what’s right or wrong—no matter who or what you have to sell out.  Your focus should be on being cautious about preserving your reputation and social standing, not righteousness and truth.

To become proficient at puckering up to the posterior of others, stand in front of the mirror and pretend that someone just told you something completely ridiculous.  Or that you just saw something that is atrocious—either politically, culturally or ecclesiastically. 

Now, instead of actually saying or doing anything about the situation, simply bow and pretend to kiss the person’s (or the party’s) backside.  In addition, you may want to roll over and wet yourself.  Definitely do not stand up, or speak up, or rile up, or throw up, or toss empty take out food containers at the TV or even roll your eyes or do anything that would remotely suggest that you think whatever you saw or heard is complete and utter horse dooky.  You must, you can and you will erase from your psyche every ounce of common sense and courage to get to that coveted place of being a blank and soulless slate. 

To expedite this icky-ness, I’ll leave you with a simple exercise that you can do in the privacy of your own home.  All you need is a mirror and a few minutes.  Here we go now.  First, wet your whistle, and now pucker.  Release.  Pucker.  Release.  Do this for eight minutes, seven times a day for the next six months, and I guarantee you’ll be well on your way to nowhere.  Drop what you’re doing right now and pucker.  Release.  Pucker.  Release.  There you go.  That was easy enough, eh? 

Now, go run out there, without any sense of belief, firmly convinced that there is no right or wrong and be the convictionless, glute-kissing aficionado we all know you can be.  For certain, this wet-noodle-like spine you’ve embraced will keep you within the complicit herd and not at the head of the pack where success and change are found.

* Logon to www.ClashRadio.com and pick up a copy of Giles' latest teaching DVD, Ruling in Babylon, filmed before a very live audience in Cape Town, South Africa. Also, while there, check out Doug's new interview with Tony Blankley, author of the book, The West's Last Chance: Will We Win the Clash of Civilizations?