Having a Pat Attack

Posted: Aug 27, 2005 12:00 AM

Well, Pat Robertson gave every Christian hater a good reason to toss believers into the Christians-are-terrorists-too category.  Hey Pat, take a chill pill or two and relax.  We all know that Chavez is a very bad man, but c’mon . . .  assassination?  BTW, who are you running with nowadays over there at CBN, the Gottis’?  I know you didn’t get that “let’s snuff ‘em” stuff from hanging out with Michael W. Smith. 

Reverend Robertson needs to leave that kind of rhetoric to fomenting, hyperbolic talk show hosts, comics and columnists.  You see, we understand that they are exaggerative, not serious and that they spew for the sake of entertainment.  Pat, on the other hand, is serious and thus, that kind of verbiage freaks out most people.  Remember Mr. Robertson, you’re the church’s nice old spiritual granddad—not Dennis Leary. 

Mr. Robertson’s calling for Chavez to be iced has started a firestorm of controversy.  I believe, however, it will be a short storm with minimal damage, as Pat’s already apologized, screamed “context” and has gone into overdrive trying to put out this verbal blaze. 

Having said all of the above, every sane person knows that what Pat has said doesn’t come anywhere close to terrorism for the following reasons:

1. He’s not terrifying.
2. No one is queued up to carry out his commands.
3. There aren’t any amorous virgins waiting in the Christian’s heaven that would incite young Christian men to paint HC with their laser sights.
4. The New Testament doesn’t advance such action. 
5. Violent mobs are not gathered at his Virginia Beach studios burning Venezuelan flags, stabbing Chavez’s picture or screaming loudly in tongues while strafing the sky in murderous disgust with their SKS’s.

Look, Pat Robertson is to dangerous what Anna Nicole Smith is to decorum.  For all those fearing that Christians are going to go down to Caracas to kill Hugo, you can relax.  It ain’t gonna happen.  What Pat said doesn’t jive with Christ’s teachings (and everyone knows this); so as influential as Pat is, no Christian is going to gulp the killer Kool-Aid concoction, venture down to Venezuela and wax chunky Chavez. 

The bottom line is this: Pat is getting on in his years; and when you get old, you occasionally say things that sound like something Ricky Williams would say.  In addition, when you’re chronologically advanced in years you really don’t care anymore what people think; you develop the sensitivity of a Frank Barone.  I cannot even imagine what I’ll be like when I’m in my mid-seventies to eighties.  I hope no one takes me seriously if I call for someone to be assassinated. Hopefully, my wife and kids will pet me on the head, remove the mic from my hands and send me back to Africa for another safari where the only thing that has the potential to be hurt is another Cape Buffalo. 

If the piranha press wants someone or something over which they should truly be concerned, I say to them: Leave Pat Robertson alone, get out your sleuth kit, logon to find-a-real-threat-dot-com and continuously investigate any religious person or group . . .

1. That leads armies and orders them to kill those who do not buy their particular religion.
2. In which the career of the main religious figure head, prophet or messiah-character has been one of bloody conquest.
3. Whose holy book supports intimidation and violence.
4. Who has a murderous envy of the West.
5. Who purports to have an X-rated, Hillary Duff-like paradise land awaiting suicide bombers and terrorists.
6. Whose main religious leader truly ordered—and rejoiced in—the assassinations of his enemies.
7. Whose religious law institutionalizes the oppression of Christians, Jews and others who do not bow and kiss their religious rings.
8. Who treats women as nothing more than slaves.
9.  Who despises democracy and will do whatever they can to resist it.

There’s your real boogieman. . . .