Habit Se7en: Be a self obsessed me-monkey

Posted: Aug 13, 2005 12:00 AM

This is my seventh installment on how to significantly stall your life.  I’m talkin’ about bringing your thing to a grinding halt with rank ineffectiveness.  Yes, I’m giving you, the would be loser, the keys to a crap-laden existence.  There are very few people, other than me, that will actually draft for you, the decidedly defective person, a blue print on how to win at losing.  I can not hold back any longer, but I must, under a divine afflatus, help you to foul your soul.

This week’s ditty for the deft inept person is to engraft into your psyche the habit of being a self obsessed me-monkey.  If you’re serious about living a life that will historically frame you out as a flop then you must get this into your craw: Nobody and nothing matters but you and your little world. 

Got it? 

Matter of fact; try saying the above, out loud and with passion. 

Do it now.   

C’mon say with me… “Nobody and nothing matters but me and my little world.”  Get it right, not God, not your spouse or kids, not your nation, not your state, not your city, not the godless, not the poor, nor the infirmed, it is just you and you alone that matters.  Say it one more time, nobody and nothing matters but me and my little world. 

There you go.  Wasn’t that b-e-a-YOU-tiful?

Did you feel the forces of darkness giving you a power surge?  Pretty cool, eh?  This new found narcissistic motivation will take you right to the grave, culturally ineffective, alone, unloved, and without honor.  Which is what you, the loser, are pursuing, right?

Uncut narcissism nukes the potential threat of greatness.  True significance demands selfless sacrifice in the pursuit of the grand and noble and since you have made a decisive leap away from importance you must avoid sacrifices and selflessness like you would a ski parka in Miami in mid-August.  Your job is stay tuned to the petty minutiae that occupies that dipstick thing you call your life.

Let me give you an example on how to behave in way that is in keeping with a narcissistic bent.  Take me for example.  I had one heck of a week last week but I think I kept a pretty good distance from greatness.  Here’s how I handled my many challenges.  Check it out.

1. On Monday one my maids messed up my African curio collection after I assiduously arranged them on the antique bookshelves I bought from the Sultan of Obama-maumau.  Just for that, I had her knee caps shattered by Shawn Eckardt. 

2. On Tuesday my butler ironed two pairs of my jeans wrong.  You don’t put a crease in jeans, Mr. French.  Puh-leez.  What about that do you not understand?  For that I had my gardener beat him with a small piece of garden hose.

3. One Wednesday Home Depot cheated me by not filling a can of Ralph Lauren metallic paint with a full gallon.  They put 126 ounces verses 128.  I paid for a full gallon … a gallon … I want a full gallon dang it.   I will never shop there again.

4. On Thursday my accountant didn’t think me leasing a 645 Ci BMW is a wise move.  I’m going to have him fired.  But I think I’ll wait ‘til Christmas to do it.  That’ll teach him to deny me.

5. On Friday the French doors for my dog’s dog house did not come in like I was told but are now going to be a week (a week!) late for installation.  This is inexcusable.

6. On Saturday, I found out that the giant altar I’m erecting to my writing and radio achievements will not fit in my aroma therapy room.  I think I’m just going to sell my house.

7.  And lastly, on Sunday, I go to church and the message was a little too close to home, a little too long, not really my style, and there wasn’t enough stuff that appealed to me and my immediate requirements.  Thus, I’m leaving this church.  What am I going to do, you ask? Well, I have hired out a minister to come to my house every Sunday to minister to me and my pressing needs.  I have even given this little gathering a name, it is called The First Church of You’d Better Focus on Me or You’ll be in My Dust.

It was a hectic seven days but after a day at the spa, an affirmation session with my counselor, and a mocha Frappachino liberally laced with some Xanax I’m feeling back in good form.  That is, if everyone will do what I say.  From my example you can learn to get wrapped around the axle regarding small things, then turn that angst into anger and then get even until they learn that it is all about you.

And let me give you losers who are determined to be self obsessed me monkeys an additional little caveat: stay away from Jesus Christ’s teachings.  They will absolutely ruin your selfishness.  They’ll mess with your time, your talent and your treasure.  They’ll require you to speak out and selflessly act when it is inconvenient for you.  They’ll put the onus on you to love people you don’t want to mess with; care for people you couldn’t careless about, give portions of your income for outreach, and forgive people you’d like to crush.  What kind of trash is that?  That’s for people who are grand and you my friend are not grand. Since you don’t seek to be anywhere near that which is noble I would run from Christ’s teachings like James Dobson would from Janet Reno if she tried to French kiss him.

Habit Eight to follow…

Logon to www.ClashRadio.com and hear Doug’s interview with Dr. Morris Chafetz author of the book Big Fat Liars: Corporations, and the Media use Science and Statistics To Manipulate the Public.