Habit Six: Hang Out with Morons

Posted: Jul 30, 2005 12:00 AM

This is part six, of my 10 Habits of Decidedly Defective People series which has been specifically spun to help you, the wannabe waffler, hamstring all your chances for success.  If you adopt these Habits… not just read them … but take them on … yea, obey them religiously, I will guarantee your life will stink worse than a three week old pile of wild boar guts. 

For the four people that read my column each week, you know that have we already looked at five killer ways to kill potential and prosperity namely; Be a Slacker, Blame Others, Embrace Hopelessness,  Follow Others Mindlessly, and Be a Wet Blanket.  And now, here is my sixth offering in service to you, the potential loser.  Are you ready?  Get fired up because failure is just a few days away.  Can you feel it? 

Here we go with Habit Six: Hang Out with Morons.

Another great way to rocket your life into a complete scat laden existence is to Hang Out with Morons.  It’s not enough to just Follow Others Mindlessly.  You and I both know that you can trail others without befriending them.  However, if you really want to win at losing you must go the extra mile and physically merge your life with losers.  I’m talking about palling around with them, marrying them, and talking to them on a regular basis.  You must intentionally and strategically establish, as much as you can, blithering idiots, whoever they are, as your closest confidants if serious about living la vida broka.

Now, don’t blow off this point like it is insignificant because constant contact with crappy characters enlivens your potential for pain, possibly, like a nothing else.  Think about it.  Those lucky unlucky few who have already mastered disaster, who do they run around with?  Other accomplished failures.  Do the math. 

Therefore, if you want your life to reek then hang out with people who stink.  And the next thing you’ll know is that you will be screwing up immensely and life will be passing you by. Isn’t that cool?  And it is all made possible, simply by making friends with the decrepit and having their losing spirit ooze all over you.  You owe me big money for this wisdom.  Yes, bad company will corrupt your chances for a good life and that’s what you want, correct?  You want to make sure that your chances for achievement diminish daily, amen? 

The achievers and dreamers, the disciplined and responsible, the independent and physically fit, the balanced and bold, if messed with, if befriended, can absolutely screw up your chances for failure so run, brother, run!  Wise people beget wise people.  Success births success so, be shrewd and hang out with stupid people and stupid people alone if you want life to slap you.  Comprende?

Let me give you a couple of examples to illustrate my point as I wrap this bad boy up.

1. Husband and Wives.  If you want to destroy your marriage (which who doesn’t, right?) and cause yourself, your kids, your relatives and others serious pain, while loading upon your shoulders a massive burden which threatens your chances for success, then hang out with people who take lightly your wedding vows.  Yes, find, follow and befriend those who encourage infidelity and who sow discord between you and your mate and trust me, before long, that pretty decent marriage you’ve got will be shattered to smithereens just by hanging out with a clod and more than likely, you will have buckets of misfortune, you lucky person you.

You can find the feckless marital infidels, now, almost anywhere to help you destroy your nuptials nowadays.  Simply, look next door… at work … in the gym… at a bar… or even maybe a malicious meddling in-law or maybe a long lost creepy relative.  Just look around, there are plenty of people to pummel your good thing into a very bad deal and all you have to do is chill with them, buy ‘em a beer, put them on speed dial and start spending time with them.

2. Singles.  If you want to ensure disaster in your life, then one of the greatest ways to do so is to marry the wrong person.  Guys, if you want massive hell in your life don’t marry a woman of character, strength and virtue but instead marry a chick just because of her hair color, bra size and leg length.  Yes, make certain that TNA is the only thing her DNA has going for her.  Make physicality the thing that drives you to the altar.  In addition, do not get to know her very well and make the engagement super short, don’t listen to your parents or friends tell you she’s a skank, make sure she’s not the same religion as you, make sure her mother’s ugly and is a busy body, make sure your lady is materialistic and has huge notions of entitlement, and make certain that she has so many personalities that they could form their own bowling team.  Ditto girls.

The bottom line is this: When you feel the temptation to leave losers in the dust, to judge them, to move jobs (or cities) to get away from them, to delete their cell number, and to not answer their calls or their text messages you must realize that you are severing a powerful source and force for failure, so … stop that immediately or success will creep up on you. Yes, you might begin to gravitate towards the great … y’know … some positive poisonous people who’ll push you to excel.

Therefore, if you’re serious about having a sad subsistence it is important that you look for people who are decisively greedy, hateful, envious, contentious, deceptive, malicious gossip and are negative.  Hunt for folks who are backstabbers, haters of good, insolent, proud, boastful and kids, who walk around holding their crotch.  Yeah, try find those who are forever inventing new ways of screwing their lives up, while being disobedient to their parents, and disrespectful to our nation.  Find the the miserables who treat their genitals like an amusement park, who lack understanding, who break their promises, and are heartless and unforgiving.  It is them, my friend, who can help you; both directly and by osmosis, screw your life up in a beautiful way almost irretrievable way. 

Habit Se7en to follow…

* Logon to www.ClashRadio.com to hear Doug’s interview with Ben Shapiro, author of the book Porn Generation: How Social Liberalism is Corrupting Our Future.