10 Habits of Decidedly Defective People©

Posted: May 28, 2005 12:00 AM

For people who are finding it difficult to ruin their lives, let me help you with 10 sure-fire ways to ram your chances of success solidly into a brick wall.  Having covered point one, Be a Slacker©, in my last column, I want to continue to build on that foundation and further help the haggard pull down any chance of achievement in any aspect of his life.  What lies ahead are not fluffy little feel-good debilitating ditties, but rather secrets . . . keys to developing The Disaster Master Mind©. 

Yes, far from being unsubstantiated little quips for the uncommitted, these 10 Habits of Decidedly Defective People©, namely . . .

1. Be a slacker.
2. Blame others.
3. Embrace hopelessness.
4. Follow others mindlessly.
5. Be a wet blanket.
6. Hang out with morons.
7. Be a self obsessed me-monkey.
8. Stand for nothing.
9. Have an ?it?s not my job? mentality.
10.   Quit when the going gets tough.

. . . are solid and sure road-tested verities for the unsuccessful. 

If you believe and obey the above, like a mighty weed . . . The Disaster Master Mind© will begin to grow and start the process of eradicating any chance for greatness in you and will eventually propel you?stratospherically?into the great compost heap of humanity. 

Before we plow on, remember: ruining your life is easy. Get it out of your mind that this is difficult stuff.  Success is what is difficult.  You have chosen that which is easy, so . . . let?s get busy fleshing out your failure with Habit #2 of Decidedly Defective People©:

Blame Others. 

Another way to assure that you never get a life is to continue to blame others for why you haven?t accomplished anything yet.  [Losers love this lecture.]  A must in developing The Disaster Master Mind© is to convince yourself that your sad lot in life is because ?they,? ?them,? and ?the other guy? have all conspired against you.  Yes, you have to believe that others have wronged you, and they . . . they are the reason why you?re an unemployed cross dresser who keeps human body parts in your refrigerator.

Blame shifting is a non-negotiable if you want to lock in The Disaster Master Mind©.  For those finding it hard and somewhat silly to affix blame on others, let me assist you.  Try this: If you had a rough childhood, or possibly were even rejected in the womb, then magnify that and milk it for everything it?s worth and use it to have people forever pity you and never expect anything from you.   See how easy you can take something other people have done to you and use it to opt out of life?  [Craving perpetual pity is also a good thing to add to your jacked-up arsenal.  That?s a freebie!]

Think about how many miles you can get from blaming others.  Float this stool the next time people come around you and expect something out of you.  Tell them your parents neglected you and that they did not pay enough attention to you and your silly antics while you were growing up because they were obsessing on stupid things like putting food on the table and keeping a roof over your goofy head. 

Your parents disenabled you and, therefore, you hate them for not orbiting more closely to your little world.  Yes, use your parent?s lack of giving you quality time as the reason why you lack quality of life. 

Also, your bad behavior may be caused by a chemical imbalance, like low blood sugar. If it is, or if you think that it possibly could be the reason, then ride this little hobbyhorse away from accountability and blame all your bad behavior on the fact that you didn?t have your daily Butterfinger.

Are you a Christian?  Well . . . you can be a big time loser, as well.  The under achievers needn?t be just in the secular realm . . .  the saints, too, can lead a sucky life.  ?How?? you might ask.  It is easy.  Blame the devil for all your mistakes and failures.  And don?t forget, you also have the evil world to fault for all its seductive evilness.

Yes, the world and the devil are the primary cause for your continuous lapsing and lackluster life.  You see, you want to do right, but culture and demons keep you from doing it.  Whew!  What a weight off your shoulders, eh Christian? It?s the culture?s fault and the devil?s fault that you?re coerced to live in the warm womb of Wussville. It?s not your fault.  It couldn?t be.  You?re an angel.

Yes, in order to get The Disaster Master Mind© maximized in the religious sphere, the Christian must never believe that he is remotely guilty for being a dipstick, and he must disbelieve the plethora of biblical passages that promise victory over demonic deception and ascendancy over an acidic society.

In wrapping up point two in my godly attempt to help you affix failure to your funk, remember this:  you can never let the thought cross your mind that you actually have a say in what happens to your life.  Commit to your personal credo that you have no capability or responsibility to change yourself and live by your plan and not the prescription of others.  Do not entertain the thought that you can pursue happiness.  Stay away from biographies, movies, music and narratives that show people overcoming way worse crud than you have had to shovel.  Beware of people who have blown off what others have done to them and what others think of them, and have, in spite of all odds, accomplished worthy goals?because that could possibly empower you to quit being a weasel. 

Bear in mind that accomplishment is a communicable disease that can transfer from people and can be inspired through film, music and literature.  So beware whom you hang around, as well as what you watch, read and listen to.  You don?t want greatness anywhere around you. 

Lastly, I need you to say this out loud?and right now: ?I am a victim. I am a butt. I am a casualty.?  There you go.  Can you feel your personal power draining from you?  That?s good.  You must declare this over and over, both out loud and in your mind, until culpability for any personal lack decisively leaves your conscience.

Also, work on a daily basis to convince your friends that you?re an incurable poor dupe so that they can enable you to be more disabled.  Remember: personal power and duty are a detriment to The Disaster Master Mind©, so avoid any thoughts regarding liability for your life.

Additional Habits of Decidedly Defective People© to follow . . .

Get Doug?s book Do You Have a Pit Bull Attitude?  Pit Bull Attitude is ten chapters of uncut, bulldog adrenaline, guaranteed to give people who are serious about changing their lives both the incentive and practical tools to do so.