The Cult of Kerry

Posted: Aug 21, 2004 12:00 AM

Listening to the Democrats speak about John Kerry must be what it was like hearing Saint Peter describe Christ to his fishing buddies.  Kerry can do no wrong.  No matter what is written or said about the Senator, the Dems find no fault in the man.  He?s perfect. 

Just look at his website,  Why, he?s squeaky clean; he?s a truth telling war hero and good guy, with an impeccable public record who should replace that terrible rascal George W. Bush.  Kerry, according to the Dems, is the savior of these United States. 

End of discussion.  Crown him with many crowns!  Yeah, right.

According to the liberal-left, Kerry has never ? no, NEVER - lied, prevaricated, exaggerated, or obfuscated. He has never flipped flopped.  If he has done a 180 on an issue it is because he is evolving ? transforming like a little butterfly.  And we all know development is a complicated process, don?t we?  Therefore, one must be understanding with Kerry during his miraculous presidential metamorphosis.  He?s flowering.  Be gentle.

Given the vast secularization of the left it?s touching to see such faith.  Yes, the Democrats? willingness to completely, implicitly trust, back, defend, go out on a limb for and stake their careers on this man is simply -- religious.

My question is: what kind of goofy grape Jim Jones juice do the Democrats and the Liberal media?s Axis of Drivel, drink to make them utterly and completely believe everything this guy says and never seriously question him, his war claims or his vacillating voting records? 

Kerry has worked some serious voodoo on his backers, and he?s now trying to do it on us voters.

We are told, you see, that Saint John Kerry is immaculate, that we should believe what he and a smattering of others say about him during his Nam days, and that we should blow off his 20 year voting history.  Just drink the [poisonous] grape juice and let him run the country. 

Kum Ba Ya, My Senator, Kum ba ya.

The liberals want the masses to believe Kerry, make a Hegelian leap of faith, blow off all the massive accusations and empirical evidence ? and embrace him.  We can do this!

First, by just moving on from all that Swift Boat stuff.  Geez, guys,  Kerry said he?s telling the truth.  Let it be.  The carefully scripted, evasive half-answers and the New York Times? tilted take is good enough for the Democrats.  So, what?s the problem?  I mean, who cares if 60 eyewitnesses, and a total of 254 combat mates, think Kerry is a grade ?A? bulls**t artist?  No need to check the facts: they?ve gotta be wrong, and Kerry?s obviously right.  Drink the juice. 

Now, repeat after me: it makes no difference that John-boy claimed until just last week that he spent Christmas Eve 1968 in Cambodia.  It?s really just a bit of poor navigation that he was 55 miles away, deep in Vietnam, although he insisted on it every chance he got including on the Senate floor. 

And it really, really doesn?t matter that he claimed Richard Nixon was the lying president at the time, although he still was waiting to be inaugurated.  We all know that worse things have been said about Nixon, so you can?t blame the ever-so-honest, self-righteous John Forbes Kerry.

Anyway, those suspicious Swift Boat Veterans for Truth ads were floated by rich Republicans ? from Texas! friends of the Bush family!! - and we know how disreputable and discrediting that kind of activity is when a partisan guy with $200 thousand gives it to a 527 organization for smear ads.  [Hey!  Don?t anybody mention George Soros giving $10 million to!]  You know this grape juice is really pretty tasty.

Secondly, we all could move on and embrace Kerry if Ann Coulter would just chill on making a big deal out of Kerry bringing a movie camera with him to re-enact his purportedly heroic acts.  Mariah Carey and Michael Jackson often have people around them filming their actions, so ? what?s weird about Kerry doing it?  You and I both know that if Sony digi-cams were around in Christ?s day, he?d have Bartholomew rolling on him while he was doing His gallant deeds.  And they?d do several different takes until Bart got it right.  More funky juice, please.

Thirdly, we could move on and embrace Kerry if we would all back off the major television outlets for not carrying detailed coverage of the Swifties? best-selling book, Unfit for Command,  which is #1 on Amazon, in it?s fifth printing with Regnery, and yet very difficult to find at major bookstores in liberal cities.  Look, Tailgunner Joe ? TV news shows are busy with other things.  The Olympics are being played.  Hello!  And in addition to the games we really must see the documentary about how the male Olympian overcame chronic jock itch, an overbearing mother with a mustache and a penchant for prancing around in stiletto heels, to become the great athlete he is.  Yes, we need more of this stuff.  Hours of it.  Uh? excuse me? my goofy grape Nehi is running a little low. 

Fourthly, we could all move on and climb into Kerry?s boat by believing John, who from now on, is going to go medieval against those terrorists.  Kerry has promised us that he can be a mean guy to bad people and that he will do whatever it takes to secure us at home and abroad.  We need to believe him and not let little things bother us.  Things like this wanna be JFK  skipping out on 78% of 49 hearings while he served on the Senate intelligence committee. 

We shouldn?t flinch over Kerry?s proposal just after the first [1993] attack on the World Trade Center to slash $7.5 billion from our intelligence budget.  And who can fault Kerry for voting 12 times between 1990 and 2003 against higher pay for America's hardworking volunteer military?

Can it really be a sticking point with people if our two Johns, Kerry and Edwards, are two of only four US Senators who voted for the use of force resolution against Iraq and against the $87 billion funding bill for our troops there and in Afghanistan?  What harm is there in voting against extra money for body armor for soldiers and against increased combat pay for troops?  You can still be tough on terrorists, right?   

We must not judge Kerry based on what he has done ... only on what he says he will do.  Kerry, like Francis Dolarhyde, is becoming and it?s not fair to equate him with what he was.  Come on, people.  Do what the Dems do.  Throw your hands up in the air and say, ?Oh well ? whatever?.  Give me more goofy grape because I like-a da juice.

Fifthly, we can really embrace Kerry very easily: simply believe that he means it when he says he?ll cut the middle classes? taxes.  All we have to do is forget he?s voted 98 times for tax increases totaling more than $2.3 trillion and voted at least 126 times against tax cuts totaling more than $5.3 trillion.  Just believe Kerry even though he?s voted 73 times to reduce the size of a tax cut, 67 times for smaller tax cuts and 11 times against repealing tax hikes ? and even when he voted for Bill Clinton?s largest tax increase in U.S. history!  If Kerry says he?s not going to tax us, just be cool ?close your eyes ... and keep the grape juice flowing.

And lastly, we can all join the Kerry cult, by buying into his take on abortion: life begins at conception but the woman has the right to snuff that life out.  Maybe it?s not so nice, but it?s no big deal continuing the greatest holocaust to ever hit our planet -- murdering unborn children.  On that one, altar boy, make wacky Welch's a double.

My ClashPoint is this:  Kerry?s crowd is so blinded by anti-Bush frothing fervor they have completely lost their objectivity and have halo-ed this cat.  No, no, no, John Kerry?s not a liar.  His voting record doesn?t contradict his newfound convictions ? and the king is not naked.  It?s OK, cuz ? O.J. is innocent, and Scott Peterson didn?t kill Laci and their baby.  Oh, and Britney Spears can sing, and Andy Dick is a thespian.

Kerry?s cult may see a glow around their do-no-wrong golden boy?s head but I don?t think it?s a halo.  It?s probably methane gas from the fetid fecal fumes that are steaming off his body.

No Jim Jones juice for me, thank you.