CBS, [which seems these days to stand for Central BS] and its rogue nephew MTV [Mush-head television] thought that the ?supposed? homunculus, testosterone-fog laden? belly scratchin?? beer swillin?? Super Bowl XXXVIII crowd would lap up their 30 minute? hackneyed? half time show.
Boy, did these supercilious soft porn distributors misjudge their market. It?s all particularly strange, because, in all fairness, the pre-game festivities started off great.
Josh Groban, a talented young man who can actually sing, wowed the audience with a reverent tribute to the space shuttle Columbia crew who were killed upon re-entry one year ago this month.
Then, Beyonce, a very talented young soul who can actually croon without the aid of a BOSE Voice Transformer, made our skin tingle with patriotic pride as she poured out her heart singing The Star Spangled Banner.
The pre-game show was a warm, transcendent moment of pride, vision and respect for freedom, by really gifted performers, and it was cut short by a tasteless half time ?performance.?
Sadly, the Super Bowl devolved at half time to a Toilet Bowl full of paltry bumps and grinds, completely obliterating the outstanding pre-game performances.
Let?s check out [Yawn]? the Usual Suspects.
Nelly ... what can we say about Nelly that his gold teeth don?t already say? Well, Nelly believes that if it gets a little stuffy in a room, then all the women should take off all their clothes. Hey, Nelly! How about clicking the AC on for the ladies and letting them keep their Old Navy on?
PDiddy. What?s up with the frequent name change? Are you some kind of hip hop version of Simon Templar? P-Sean-Jean-Puffy-Puff-Daddy-Diddy, please help us uncool people out here. Are you Sean Jean or Puff Daddy or Puffy or PDiddy? Are you running from the law? Is that the root cause of your multinomial nomenclature? If it is, then you might want a name that?s not so closely associated with one of your other aliases.
Oh, and by the way, talking is not singing. And doing jumping jacks and running across the stage is not dancing ? that?s calisthenics.
Kid Rock? Two words for the Kid: buy soap. Also, you might want to think twice about wearing the flag as a poncho. A few people, like a few million war veterans, think it?s, uhh, highly inappropriate. If you get chilly while you perform, just go to Outdoor World and get a Gore-tex rain slicker.
Then we come to the Darwin Award winners for 2004, namely, Janet and Justin.
Let?s take Justin first. Justin? cut the crap on the ?I didn?t know that was going to happen? stuff. You yanked on her bra. What did you think was going to pop out? Carrot Top? Here?re a couple of tips:
1. Bear in mind your former commitment to God, and
2. Stop hanging out with anyone with the last name Jackson.
Save yourself, dude, before it?s too late and you?re forced to sing ?Bye?Bye? Bye? to your livelihood.
And last but very far from least, we come to Janet. Ahhh, Janet. Do you know that just two days before the Super Bowl?s sagging breast coming out party, I said that you were the only Jackson who wasn?t weirder than Ed Wood on smack, and now I have to rescind those comments?
Please tell us: what precisely were you thinking? After an illustrious career with some great musical accomplishments, the world is going to be left with memory burn of an under-inflated mammary with a Ninja star bolted to it.
The only way you?re going to be able to redeem yourself is to do a couple of Disney movies or join the holy order of The Sisters Who Don?t Unrest Their Breasts.
My Clash Point is this: The game itself was great, but the Super Bowl stunk on several levels. From the vulgarity, to the lack of aptitude, to the Adamic blame shifting by Central BS and MTV: never has prime time network ticked off so many people all at once.
Where is Simon Cowell when we need him to send these low talent and tasteless ?entertainers? back to selling night crawlers at Slappy?s bait shop on the Chattahoochee.
There?s actually a good side to it all. When Janet, Justin, Nelly, Kid Rock and P-whoever crossed the line, we let them know it. There still is a residual sense of good and evil in this increasingly secular society. Maybe, just maybe, as Dylan said, ?the times? they are a changin?.?
Doug Giles pastors a church in Miami and hosts two award winning radio programs. His latest book, ?Ruling in Babylon?, is available via Amazon.com. He can be reached at doug at clashradio.com, or visit the www.clashradio.com website.