I was wondering the other day what my campaign promises would be if I ran for president. I made a list I'm certain can get me elected: If I'm elected president, I will …
-- Require members of Congress to work out on the Total Gym 15 minutes each day -- or else they can't vote on anything.
-- Cut spending by dismissing the Secret Service, at least for my eight years in office. (Why would I need them?)
-- Resurrect Bruce Lee and appoint him head of Homeland Security (OK, the CIA and FBI, too).
-- Give a presidential pardon to … no one, ever. Baretta was right in the '70s: "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. Don't do it!"
-- Turn the Rose Garden into a new fighting ring for the World Combat League, in which liberals and conservatives will fight for legislative leadership and priority. (For fun, Saturday night fights will feature a recurring bout between Hannity and Colmes.) "American Idol" already told me they will provide the entertainment.
-- Require Bill Gates and Warren Buffett to personally pay for national, comprehensive medical coverage for every American (or meet me in the Rose Garden).
-- Increase jobs in America by sending ninja teams to sabotage and steal them back from other countries.
-- Tattoo an American flag with the words "In God we trust" on the forehead of every atheist.
-- Give a tax credit to people who name their children Walker or Texas Ranger (excluding Will Ferrell).
-- Resolve the Iraq war by bringing all our military personnel home immediately, then going over there by myself for "martial arts negotiations."
-- Hang Saddam Hussein. (Whoops! Scratch that -- already did it undercover.)
-- Convey my plan for world peace to the United Nations: taking the governor of California with me on our "kick butt and ask questions later" USO world tour.
-- Give every new military enlistment abroad a copy of my upcoming new book, "The Threat of Justice," with the words "Arnold and I will be back to pump you up!" above my autograph.
-- Bring on Donald Trump as my apprentice.
When my presidential term is complete and he has obtained his black belt, or whichever comes first, he can buy the White House and rename it the "Trump House."
-- Create new immigration legislation: to deport all liberals (then force them to listen to Bill O'Reilly every day for five years, at which point they may return).
-- Ask producer Mark Burnett to film "Survivor -- Camp David," where the world leaders will meet annually for an all-out cage-fighting championship. The winner will take home $1 million in Disney dollars, good in Europe or America.
-- Send an autographed photo of my horse and me (no dogs in my White House) to everyone who commits to read my new column and blast a blog who dares to disagree with me.
-- Complete the plan to bring Tony Blair to the U.S. as my vice president.
-- Expose the real WMDs: my fists and feet.
-- Replace Letterman, Leno or Conan once monthly because stand-up comedy is what most governmental officials do anyway.
-- Ask Al Gore to provide me a special governmental study on the connection between spotted owl extinction and global warming. (I'm pretty sure Michael Moore will film the docudrama.)
-- Help Rosie transition from "The View" to the pew; it might help her get over that anger problem. If the pew doesn't work, she can spar Trump in the Rose Garden.
First and foremost, however, my greatest priorities will be to …
-- Personally smoke out bin Laden by myself and roundhouse kick him all the way back to America, where my United Fighting Arts Federation will handle the justice issues.
-- Make all Chuck Norris Facts come true (well, not quite all of them -- I'm a happily married man!) (See www.chucknorrisfacts.com.)
Looking over my campaign promises, I'm sure my liberal friends are rejoicing that I'm not really running for president.