Voices from the left

Burt Prelutsky
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Posted: Mar 01, 2006 8:05 PM
For years, I’ve hated listening to the infantile blathering of America’s leftists. All that was required for me to come down with a splitting headache was to hear John Kerry, Robert Byrd or Joseph Biden, insist that if only they were running things, gas would cost 25 cents-a-gallon, peace would reign in the Middle East, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg would be the most conservative justice on the Supreme Court.

However, not too long ago, I had an epiphany. It’s not just that the liberals are annoying because of what they say, but because of the way they say it. Have you listened to Al Gore lately? He’s as loud as a pneumatic drill. And you would think that after his meltdown following the Iowa primary, Howard Dean would tone it down a notch. Instead, he’s revved up the noise level until he sounds like a chimpanzee on speed.

But all of that is performance art. The moment these politicians see a live microphone or a TV camera, they simply can’t control themselves. The poor creatures are like Pavlov’s dogs salivating at the sound of a bell.

However, if there’s anything worse than having to listen to these shnooks screaming to the choir, it’s having to listen to the ladies on the left. I refer to the sisterhood that includes the likes of Susan Estrich, Teresa Heinz-Kerry, Nancy Pelosi, Gloria Allred, Barbara Boxer, Cindy Sheehan, Barbra Streisand and, of course, Hillary Clinton. Each and every one of them has a voice that sounds like fingernails raking a blackboard.

I don’t want to suggest that their speaking voices are all alike, aside from the fact that each has the power to make your ears bleed. Some, after all, are whinier than others, some are harsher, while a few are so nasal you’d think that Estrich, for instance, must have adenoids the size of grapefruits.

And let us not forget Jane Fonda, the grande dame of the left. Even before she became the pin-up queen of the Viet Cong, it always amazed me that she was able to have an acting career in spite of being cursed with a voice that sounded like it had been transplanted from a screech owl.

It occurred to me one day that Fonda has a voice that every divorced man associates with his ex-wife, and reminds him all over again why he was so willing, even anxious, to divvy up the community property.