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It's Not a Job Loss if They Say You Retired

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

American Airlines apparently does not need to layoff 15,000 employees.  According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, all 15,000 employees are retiring and dropping out of the workforce. 

In addition, those 15,000 employees will not be counted in the unemployment statistics, thereby helping to ensure President Obama’s quest for 0% unemployment by Election Day. 

The stock market, upon hearing this news, has gapped up over 200 points. 

In addition, there has been a sudden surge in the publicly traded company Feed the Pigeons Ltd. 

The rationale is that all 15,000 American Airlines retirees will have so much time on their hands that the sport of “feed the pigeon in the park” will show a monumental resurgence. 

Unfortunately, representatives for both American Airlines and Feed the Pigeons Ltd. could not be reached for comment. 

In other news, rumor has it that thousands of people have been hired to tear down and clean up Solyndra headquarters as part of the administration’s initiative for Green jobs. 

Those taking part in the cleanup effort, the government source said, must have certain provisions made available to them such as food, coffee, cigarettes, and restrooms.

Each provision creates its own network of jobs, the spokesperson said, and the government will most assuredly take credit for those jobs.  It’s certainly not something George W. Bush was capable of doing, the source said. 

Furthermore, the informant added they weren’t aware that a Green bankruptcy could have such a tremendous effect on the economy and stated they are looking for many more opportunities to put companies into bankruptcy.  Recognizing the fact that 90% of the jobs created by the Solyndra bankruptcy were only part-time jobs certainly did not discourage the BLS one bit. 

“A job is a job,” said a BLS representative. 

In addition, the reality that these part-time jobs pay minimum wage and offer no other benefits doesn’t concern the BLS as they reminded everybody they only count quantity, not quality. 

Furthermore, the BLS source conveyed that since their agency must be concerned about jobs every month, the workers should be concerned every month as well. 

After all, fair is fair. Assuming continued Green bankruptcies, dropout job participation, and part-time hiring, the White House seems most confident of achieving full employment by November. 

New evidence proves the War of the Worlds radio drama by Orson Welles was not science fiction; it was actually a government cover-up.

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