A quiz to save California

Posted: Aug 06, 2003 12:00 AM

California is going down the drain, and something must be done. We need citizens with brains. To that end, I have prepared this quiz.

Question 1: You are the principal of a Catholic school, and your school needs more teachers. You are in charge of hiring and firing. Into your office strides James, a nice, clean-cut young man of 25. He is a Catholic; he has an excellent resume. You hire him. The next morning, he shows up for school in a dress and informs his students that he wishes to be called Regina. When you hear about the James/Regina situation, you should: a) fire him, realizing that you will lose both students and moral credibility if you continue to keep him on staff; b) admonish him and explain that if he interviewed as James, you expect him to teach as James; c) laugh until you bust a gut; d) give him a raise and explain to parents that James/Regina will help children heighten their tolerance and sensitivity toward transgendered people.

Answer 1: D. On Aug. 2, Gov. Gray Davis signed AB 196 into law. AB 196 prohibits discrimination in employment and housing against those whose "perceived gender characteristics are different from those traditionally associated with the individual's sex at birth."

Question 2: A year from now, you are driving on the freeway when you are rear-ended by a broken-down 1971 Chevy pickup. You immediately pull over to the shoulder, as does the perpetrator. You exit your car and ask the Chevy driver if he is all right. Signaling that he does not understand English, he turns to one of his five middle-aged male passengers riding in the bed of the truck. They converse fluently in Spanish. It is fair to assume that: a) the driver has no car insurance; b) the driver has a driver's license; c) all the men in the truck are familiar with the Mexican national anthem; d) you should get back in your car and drive away before a large, tattooed man wearing a bandana gets out of the back of the truck.

Answer 2: B. If Gray Davis remains in office, he promises to sign legislation giving illegal immigrants driver's licenses. Even if Davis gets the boot, he will probably sign the bill before he goes. By the way, you should be ashamed if your answer was a, c or d, you racist!

Question 3: You're making dinner, and you accidentally slice open your finger. Luckily, you live close to an emergency room, so you drive there and sit down. Then, a young woman, about 19, walks into the ER holding a small, perfectly healthy new baby. She walks up to a gurney, tosses the baby onto it and strides out. You see her jump into a taxi. You should: a) inform hospital staff of the incident, call the police and give them a description of the woman; b) run after the woman, pull her out of her cab, and ask her name and where she is going; c) remain seated and smile serenely as the woman ditches the kid; d) pursue the woman, chain her to a wall and read her "Horton Hatches the Egg."

Answer 3: C. If you do b or d, you could be breaking the law. If you do a, you'd be annoying the police department for no reason. According to California law, a mother can abandon her newly born child within 72 hours of its birth at designated sites across the state without fear of prosecution.

Question 4: You walk to the polls on Oct. 7 to vote in the gubernatorial recall election. You have decided to vote in favor of the recall and to vote for another candidate on the ballot. Before you came to vote, you were considering four candidates, but one of them does not appear on the ballot. Which one of the following four candidates is not on the ballot? a) Angelyne -- she could not fit on the ballot; b) Jack Kemp -- he's re-entering the NFL; c) Arianna Huffington -- she admitted her desire to reunite with bisexual former husband Michael; d) Larry Flynt -- he didn't want to sully his legacy by entering politics.

Answer 4: B. But he's not re-entering the NFL.

Scoring scale: Four correct answers -- you're a Californian. Condolences. Three correct answers -- you're from New York. Condolences. One or two correct answers -- you're still too close. Therapy recommended. Zero correct -- please move to California. We need sane people.