Shots from the hip

Posted: Feb 20, 2003 12:00 AM
Since I was too tired this week to raise my gun to shoulder level, here's a collection of shots from the hip: I think Osama Bin Laden is dead. The newest tapes of the mass murderer are probably phony, although they do have a melodic quality strangely lacking from those recently discovered Beatles tapes. A question for all those who think inspections work: If inspections aren't backed by the threat of force, what good are they? What actually happens if the inspectors do spot a "smoking gun"? Do they get a piece of chocolate candy or a star sticker from the United Nations? Have advocates of the global-warming theory looked at the East Coast lately? Jimmy Carter, the world's most famous peanut farmer, has struck again. This week, Jimmah backed the far-left London Daily Mirror's Not In Our Name campaign against war in Iraq, saying: "You're doing a good job. I am glad about that. War is evil." He ripped into America, calling it "a very embarrassing thing" that Europeans don't like us. Jimmy Carter giving anyone advice on how to run a nation is like Bob Uecker giving advice on hitting. If I were a leftist, I'd say that the Bush administration is being run by the duct-tape industry. Iraqi Deputy Prime Minister Tariq Aziz's anti-Semitic slip showed the other day when he refused to answer a question from an Israeli journalist, Menachem Ganz of Ma'ariv, hissing: "When I came to this press conference, it was not in my agenda to answer questions by the Israeli media." And all Ganz had asked was: "What is your name?" The only reason for the United States to press for a second U.N. resolution is to support Tony Blair, whose popularity has plummeted in his own country. But this week, Blair said he'd rather not go after a second resolution. So what are we waiting for? Speaking of Prime Minister Blair, he refuses to discuss what post-Saddam Iraq will look like, and he's right. The point of this war isn't to bring democracy (although that would be a pleasant side effect) but to overthrow Saddam and ensure American and Western security. Ted Kennedy's weight and intelligence are inversely proportional. He was actually smartest as a newborn, and his decline into stupidity will continue until either he goes on the Atkins diet or his weight causes the Earth to spin off its axis. The other day, I watched the 1946 classic "
The Best Years of Our Lives." Every patriot should see that movie. Rent it tonight. I watched the last 45 minutes of the Fox series "Joe Millionaire" last night. How unbelievably disappointing. The commercials promised that gold diggers would be unmasked; instead, Fox rigged it so that Zora, the winner, would look sweet and caring. People watch Fox for the same reason they stare at car wrecks on the freeways: They can't look away. But this show played out like something from the Disney Channel. And now, a moron whose vocabulary consists of "um" has $500,000. Blech. Tiger Woods always wins. Phil Mickelson always collapses. That's life. Best idea of the week: Denny Hastert, saying that the United States should target French wine and water with trade sanctions. I would only add that the United States should stop sending aid packages of deodorant to France. No matter how much we send, they still stink. Worst idea of the week: A liberal radio talk show network to rival Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, Dennis Prager, Hugh Hewitt, Larry Elder, Michael Medved, Michael Savage and other national right-wing radio hosts. Best of luck, Al Franken. You can join Jim Hightower, Mario Cuomo, Alan Dershowitz and Jerry Brown when you're through. In about a month. Are there any Democrats besides Hillary who aren't planning on running in 2004? After Neville Chamberlain appeased Hitler into World War II, Hitler remarked: "Chamberlain seemed such a nice old gentleman that I thought I would give him my autograph." It seems that France and Germany harbor a deep desire for Saddam Hussein's autograph. Anti-war loonies believe that international politics should be like "Barney," with America playing the role of the big purple dinosaur. Or perhaps like "Survivor," with each nation getting an equal vote as to which gets tossed from the island. I believe that international politics should be like "The Bachelor," with all the nations competing for our love. After all, we're the good-looking ones.