Anti-war protesters: making war funny again

Posted: Nov 21, 2002 12:00 AM
Protesting is usually a serious business. But you can't help laughing at today's anti-war protesters. From stripping naked to holding "die-ins," these people are better than Comedy Central. In West Marin County, Calif., home to such world-renowned figures as John Walker Lindh, anti-war protesters simultaneously revealed their breasts and their stupidity. Believing that boobs do more for world peace than bombs, 50 intrepid women shed their clothing, then lay in the aptly named Love Field and spelled out the word "PEACE" with their bodies to show solidarity with the Iraqi people. But before you run to your computer to find the picture, be warned: It's ugly. Many are seniors, and there is at least one morbidly obese woman posing in the buff. Some people were just not meant to undress. Ever. What's even funnier than batty women getting naked for peace is what they said while they were doing it. "Women from all ages and walks of life took off their clothes, not because they are exhibitionists but because they felt it was imperative to do so," the organizers solemnly explained. "They wanted to unveil the truth about the horrors of war, to commune in their nudity with the vulnerability of Iraqi innocents." What a great idea! To promote peace with Islamic fanatics who hate women, have a mass pseudo-lesbian event! In Sydney, Australia, three women ripped off their clothes and poured red paint on themselves and then arranged themselves on a homemade American flag under a sign reading "Stop the war on women." Sorry, fellas, no pictures of this one, but it's safe to assume it wasn't too pretty either -- the police picked the protesters up for "offensive conduct." A less dirty but similarly moronic protesting technique is the die-in. It is exactly what it sounds like -- people lie on the ground as if they're dead. And then, they stay there. Lying on the ground. Like a bunch of idiots. Unfortunately, less comedy ensues in this type of protest because the die-ins take place away from heavy automobile traffic. Die-ins are especially big on college campuses, where most of the people are brain-dead anyway. At Guilford College in Greensboro, N.C., about 30 students symbolically died at the signal of a snare drum. Then, they lay sprawled on the asphalt for 20 minutes. After that, they miraculously rose from the dead, and died again. They repeated this process several times. No word on whether President Bush has decided to change American foreign policy based on the protest. Also no word on whether Saddam Hussein has stopped laughing yet. Sixty-five Georgetown University students staged an anti-war "die-in," lying motionless for 15 minutes. Anti-war media buddies ABC, CNN, Reuters and the Associated Press covered the massive event. Witnesses said the event was likely to bring peace between Israel and the Palestine Liberation Organization, England and the Irish Republican Army, Russia and Chechnya, and Jennifer Lopez and Puff Daddy. Students at Wayne State University in Detroit also "died" in protest of a potential war with Iraq. Passersby were offered the opportunity to lie down and join the protest. Preschool teachers and students were bused in to help coordinate the naptime; bottles and blankies were handed out to all the protesters. It's obvious the anti-war movement is running out of creative ideas. So here are a few new tactics for protesters to fight against this cruel, inhumane, warmongering, capitalist, barbaric war on Iraq. Tie-Die-In for Peace. We've had people lying on the ground. We've done the hippie thing. Why not combine the two? Mummify the protesters. Then, dunk them into a barrel of dye. It's moving, psychedelic and very, very entertaining. Sharia for Peace. Nakedness isn't really going to cut it. What protesters should do is convert to radical Islam and then institute Islamic law at their protests. Make women wear burqas. If their heels click on the pavement, beat them. It's what Bin Laden's demanding, so why not give it to him? Surrender for Peace. If you protesters truly want to show solidarity with the children of Iraq, why not move there? Then, you won't have to pretend you're dead, especially if you get naked.