Protesting is usually a serious business. But you can't help
laughing at today's anti-war protesters. From stripping naked to holding
"die-ins," these people are better than Comedy Central.
In West Marin County, Calif., home to such world-renowned
figures as John Walker Lindh, anti-war protesters simultaneously revealed
their breasts and their stupidity. Believing that boobs do more for world
peace than bombs, 50 intrepid women shed their clothing, then lay in the
aptly named Love Field and spelled out the word "PEACE" with their bodies to
show solidarity with the Iraqi people. But before you run to your computer
to find the picture, be warned: It's ugly. Many are seniors, and there is at
least one morbidly obese woman posing in the buff. Some people were just not
meant to undress. Ever.
What's even funnier than batty women getting naked for peace is
what they said while they were doing it. "Women from all ages and walks of
life took off their clothes, not because they are exhibitionists but because
they felt it was imperative to do so," the organizers solemnly explained.
"They wanted to unveil the truth about the horrors of war, to commune in
their nudity with the vulnerability of Iraqi innocents." What a great idea!
To promote peace with Islamic fanatics who hate women, have a mass
In Sydney, Australia, three women ripped off their clothes and
poured red paint on themselves and then arranged themselves on a homemade
American flag under a sign reading "Stop the war on women." Sorry, fellas,
no pictures of this one, but it's safe to assume it wasn't too pretty
either -- the police picked the protesters up for "offensive conduct."
A less dirty but similarly moronic protesting technique is the
die-in. It is exactly what it sounds like -- people lie on the ground as if
they're dead. And then, they stay there. Lying on the ground. Like a bunch
of idiots. Unfortunately, less comedy ensues in this type of protest because
the die-ins take place away from heavy automobile traffic. Die-ins are
especially big on college campuses, where most of the people are brain-dead
At Guilford College in Greensboro, N.C., about 30 students
symbolically died at the signal of a snare drum. Then, they lay sprawled on
the asphalt for 20 minutes. After that, they miraculously rose from the
dead, and died again. They repeated this process several times. No word on
whether President Bush has decided to change American foreign policy based
on the protest. Also no word on whether Saddam Hussein has stopped laughing
Sixty-five Georgetown University students staged an anti-war
"die-in," lying motionless for 15 minutes. Anti-war media buddies ABC, CNN,
Reuters and the Associated Press covered the massive event. Witnesses said
the event was likely to bring peace between Israel and the Palestine
Liberation Organization, England and the Irish Republican Army, Russia and
Chechnya, and Jennifer Lopez and Puff Daddy.
Students at Wayne State University in Detroit also "died" in
protest of a potential war with Iraq. Passersby were offered the opportunity
to lie down and join the protest. Preschool teachers and students were bused
in to help coordinate the naptime; bottles and blankies were handed out to
all the protesters.
It's obvious the anti-war movement is running out of creative
ideas. So here are a few new tactics for protesters to fight against this
cruel, inhumane, warmongering, capitalist, barbaric war on Iraq.
Tie-Die-In for Peace. We've had people lying on the ground.
We've done the hippie thing. Why not combine the two? Mummify the
protesters. Then, dunk them into a barrel of dye. It's moving, psychedelic
and very, very entertaining.
Sharia for Peace. Nakedness isn't really going to cut it. What
protesters should do is convert to radical Islam and then institute Islamic
law at their protests. Make women wear burqas. If their heels click on the
pavement, beat them. It's what Bin Laden's demanding, so why not give it to
Surrender for Peace. If you protesters truly want to show
solidarity with the children of Iraq, why not move there? Then, you won't
have to pretend you're dead, especially if you get naked.