We've finally given liberals a war against fundamentalism, and they don't want to fight it. They would, except it would put them on the same side as the United States.
With the media suffering from fainting spells, the country is being run by people who can splice cables and land jets on ships in the dark of night. These are men, a subspecies of Americans heretofore invisible to the elites. But now the elites are complaining that the men aren't working fast enough.
Not exactly smashing stereotypes of liberals as mincing pantywaists, the left's entire contribution to the war effort thus far has been to whine. In lieu of a military response against terrorists abroad and security precautions at home, liberals would like to get the whole thing over with and just throw Jerry Falwell in jail.
Walter Cronkite, better known as president of the Ho Chi Minh Veneration Society, has compared the Rev. Falwell to the Taliban. In response to Falwell's comment that gay marriage and abortion on demand may not have warmed the heart of the Almighty, Cronkite proclaimed it "the most abominable thing I've ever heard."
Showing the dispassion and critical judgment that earned him the moniker "the most pious blowhard in America," this self-serving, multimillionaire Martha's Vineyard boob accused Falwell of "worshipping the same God as the people who bombed the Trade Center and the Pentagon."
Liberals compare Jerry Falwell to the Taliban, but then are furious with George Bush for not being Jesus Christ. Evidently, what a president is supposed to do when the girls are scared is develop complete omniscience and omnipotence. Thus, the media repeatedly expound upon the proposition that what Bush should have done in response to the anthrax mailings is: Instantly produce the culprits and put an end to this madness!
The New York Times has been issuing daily harangues on this point. The cover story of last Sunday's Week in Review section ("Efforts to Calm the Nation's Fears Spin Out of Control") lectured Bush: "People in the grip of fear want information that holds up, not spin control."
Men are out in the driving rain trying to change a tire, while the womenfolk sit in a warm roadside cafe demanding to know what's taking so long. Just pipe down! The men are working as fast as they can.
In fact, no one is in the "grip of fear" over anthrax except the media and their most gullible targets, liberal women. Liberal soccer moms are precisely as likely to receive anthrax in the mail as to develop a capacity for linear thinking. But the media are working overtime to create a Princess Di-like hysteria in Manhattan suburbs.
Every death, including the thousands murdered in the womb every day, is sad. But let's not forget that the mass mailing of anthrax spores has killed only four people so far. These are tragic occurrences, as are the deaths from car accidents, drowning and fire since the attack. So far, the anthrax mailings don't hold a candle to the slaughter of 9-11.
But the Times is furious with Bush every single moment he delays in bringing back the halcyon days when liberals could attend Calvin Klein fashion shows free of anxiety. "Again and again, in recent weeks, administration officials tried to reassure the public; again and again, the situation proved more serious than the officials had suggested."
It seems that a more soothing response to a bio-terrorism scare would be for the administration to have God-like omniscience about the anthrax mailings, including predicting all future mailings.
Frank "No, No, Nanette!" Rich recently emitted an interminable screech on the op-ed page of The New York Times denouncing the Bush administration for not solving the anthrax cases already: "The most highly trumpeted breakthrough in the hunt for anthrax terrorists – Tom Ridge's announcement that 'the site where the letters were mailed' had been found in New Jersey – proved a dead end."
As Irish playwright Brendan Behan said: "Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: They know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves." (It's no surprise Rich is afraid of the mail: He's afraid of me. Just last night, he refused to be in the "Politically Incorrect" greenroom with me.)
Go listen to a Rodgers and Hammerstein sound track and try to stay calm, Frank. Patriotic Americans are doing their best to protect theater critics quaking in their Upper West Side redoubts.
Maureen Dowd, another hysterical Times columnist, is still indignant that George Bush wouldn't have asked her to the prom. "Polo at Yale is a bit different than the Afghan version," she sniffed. Three weeks into the war and she's already calling it "Operation Quagmire."
Women – and I don't mean to limit that to the biological sense – always become hysterical at the first sign of trouble. They have no capacity to solve problems, so instead they fret. But despite the fearful fifth columnists whiling away the war naysaying America's response, we will win this war.
You just stay warm, girls … the men are fixing the car.