Channeling Jackie

Posted: Dec 21, 2000 12:00 AM
One flashy book deal and Hillary is like a sailor on payday, infected with envy and avarice. Except the thing is: Mad Meg -- the giddiest member of the nouveau rich -- isn't that rich. And she has a lot of debt. That $8 million book deal probably disqualifies Chelsea from any Stanford scholarship she was enjoying, too.

Hillary! seems to be under the illusion that her tawdry book deal can pole-vault her into the East Hampton/Manhattan/Hollywood crowd. The wannabe sex kitten Hil is done channeling frumpy old Eleanor Roosevelt and has moved on to channeling Jackie O.

She's been looking at a Georgetown mansion once owned by Jackie Kennedy's mother and that carries a $4 million price tag. According to New York doormen, Hillary! is also looking for a pied-a-terre in Manhattan.

What is she? A senator or Gwyneth Paltrow? Doesn't she have to work? Hillary seems to think being a senator consists primarily of going to wine parties and Gucci openings. She gets an $8 million book advance and immediately goes out house-shopping with her Hollywood friends.

Someone better explain taxes to America's oldest post-graduate student. After the whopping tax bill on that advance, she can't afford a $4 million house. Hillary has not lived a stable middle-class existence since adolescence. Poor Hil has never owned a home and doesn't understand how money works. She's like a 20-year-old professional athlete who spends all his money as it comes in and ends up in bankruptcy. No real people live like that.

Though Hillary has recently denied rumors about the Chappaqua, N.Y., house being on the market, there are reasons -- apart from her denial -- to think the house is for sale. Hasn't it has already served its purpose, creating the preposterous illusion of Susie Homemaker submitting to a pleasant suburban existence? A credulous bare majority of voters of New York swallowed it. No point in keeping that white elephant any longer.

Hillary!, like Bill, is willing to insult the intelligence of 49 percent of the electorate as long as she can bamboozle 51 percent into voting for her. But unlike Bill, she brazenly puts her contempt for voters on display. After Gov. Clinton lost a re-election bid -- attributed in part to Arkansas voters' reaction to his abrasive harridan of a wife -- Hillary threw feminist caution to the wind and finally took her husband's last name.

Hil remained "Hillary Clinton" through Bill's first presidential campaign. Indeed, she went into headband overdrive when polls showed the "Vote for one, get one free" slogan got on the voters' nerves.

Then the very moment the pretense was no longer needed and the gullible saps for whom her appellation mattered had already voted, she announced another name change. On inauguration day, Hillary stated that henceforth she would be called "Hillary Rodham Clinton."

Anyone need a house in Chappaqua? It's going the way of the little woman routine. Hillary is movin' on up.

There are multiple fascinating issues to the newly liberated first lady's psychotic behavior. How it is that the longer Hillary stays close to public service, the richer she gets (and the more illiterate the children in Arkansas become, thanks to her education reforms)?

Then there is the sheer gaudy bribery of this book deal by a company, which -- like every entity in America -- has business before the federal government. (That's why politicians love "targeted" tax cuts.) We have a real Nixon-Slush-Fund-Checkers scandal brewing here. Even poor old Nixon didn't have the entertainment industry funding his retirement.

Who exactly is expected to buy her book? If Hillary acolytes could read, they wouldn't be Hillary acolytes.

Moreover, her entire life has consisted of her lying or stonewalling. So what has she promised to deliver here? Maybe this book could make some money if she would include chapter titles like these: "Where I Hid the Billing Records," "What My Aides Took Out of Vince Foster's Office," "What It's Like to Testify Before a Grand Jury," "Best Velocity for Lamps" and "Hillary's Cattle Futures Trading Tips."

But there won't be. Surely Andrew Morton wrote a more true-to-life account of life in the White House than Hillary is capable of producing, and "Monica's Story" was remaindered after a few months, having sold about half a million copies. At that rate, Simon & Schuster will have to sell Hillary's book for about $75 a copy to turn a profit on it.

Simon & Schuster should have tried to persuade Hillary to tell the truth the same way a couple of investigative reporters got Ted Bundy to open up -- by talking in the third person. She ought to be write a novel about a woman trapped in loveless marriage with a philandering husband and consumed by her own ambitions. That I'd buy.