I’m sorry to send this by mail, but—well, there doesn’t seem to be any other way to reach you. And I thought you should know, before you get too geared up for the Big Night that, uh…you’d better watch out.
Oh, I’m telling you why…you’re on “The List,” Santa.
That’s right. Their list. The “violators of the separation of church and state” list of the American Civil Liberties Union. They’re raising the roof down here about some of your “lifestyle choices.” They say you’ve got a secret agenda. That when it comes to real American values, you and the Constitution are poles apart.
Oh, I know it sounds silly. Laugh if you want to. But these people aren’t playing reindeer games. They’ve been stocking up complaints on you for years, and now they want you sacked.
Why? Well…that’s hard to explain. It’s little things, mostly. Like the elves.
People say your elves wear green. You may not realize it, Santa, but that color’s raising quite the hue and cry down here, these days. We heard of one tax-funded school last year at this time that wouldn’t even let the kids wear that color—you know, for what it obviously represents.
The ACLU says green spells Christmas, Christmas means Christ, Christ means religion, and religion is a personal thing. So, as you can see, green is a personal thing. Better keep it to yourself and not parade around in it, they say.
Ah, so is red, by the way. Some would advise you to do something about that outfit you wear—oh, and Rudolph’s nose, too.
Speaking of Rudolph…he’s a reindeer, Santa. And one of a kind at that. And you’re forcing him to work nights and holidays strapped to the front of your sleigh. That one’s really starting to snowball with the PETA crowd. The ACLU’s working up a lawsuit, and when they get through with this one, Rudolph’s really going down in history.
Also, some folks think you could be a little more careful about the neighborhoods you’re flying into. The ACLU has documented witness reports that you stop at homes with nativity scenes in the front yard…angels on the tree…carols playing on the stereo. People are beginning to think you actually endorse the whole New Testament scenario.
Better check your list a third time. And, if you find any right-wing religious fundamentalist zealots—you know, Christians—the ACLU may want you to consider crossing ‘em off your list. They’re out to destroy the country, after all.
Same goes for Boy Scouts, by the way. Children from traditional families. The usual suspects.
On the other hand, the ACLU has come up with a list of gift ideas, to save your crew time out in the workshop. Among the must-haves:
• A library card to tax-funded locations that refuse to filter pornographic Web sites.
• A free pass to any Planned Parenthood clinic (must be under 18 and not accompanied by parent).
• The new CD, Songs of the Radical Left, featuring the hit singles, “My Country, ‘Tis of Me” and “Keep the Home Flags Burning.”
• A great collection of their latest merchandise with the motto, “Life, Liberty, and Reproductive Freedom” (http://www.takeissuetakecharge.org/coolstuff).
I know, I know. It sounds like a cruel Yule for the kids—worse than coal in a stocking. But sooner or later, Santa, you’re going to have to decide whether you’re on the children’s side or the ACLU’s.
Because if you try to be both—hitching your sleigh to pro-family causes, celebrating the spirit of Christmas right in the middle of the holiday season—the ACLU says you’re gonna’ find yourself out in the cold, friend, and holding the bag. They’ll tell you that their attorneys are not ones to toy with.
But don’t worry. If you’re bound and determined to go through with Christmas, just get in touch with us here at the Alliance Defense Fund. (You know the address.) We’d be proud to represent you anytime pro bono. Consider it our Christmas gift.
Because winning your case would bring a lot of joy to the world.