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Comment on: The Pepperhawks' Farm Journal

Jeff, My Son RIP Part I

104 Comments
Friday, January, 16, 2009 10:15 PM bryce1 writes:

Pep, you put us all to shame

That so soon after such a devastating event you could take the time to thank US...well I'm frankly humbled in the extreme.

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Friday, January, 16, 2009 10:24 PM willibeaux writes:

Hey Pepp! This is an

excellent way to help you deal with your pain. Putting your thoughts in writing (journaling) is another way of venting. This way you can share with many of your blogging friends what you are going through.
You and Ron are in our prayers
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Friday, January, 16, 2009 10:25 PM Peppermint2 writes:

bryce1

Thank you for coming over to comment. All of you have been so wonderful and how else would I get through this without all my friends at Townhall?

It hurt me to write this. I cried the whole way through. But, I wanted so bad to thank everyone who is holding me up with their prayers, comfort, support, all that has been given to us during this dreadful event.

And, au contraire, bryce, you put me to shame for commenting and offering your support when so many times we disagreed politically.

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Friday, January, 16, 2009 10:29 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Willibeaux

Oh, my good friend, you have been a rock for me and Ron. How can I ever thank you for what you have done for us? For all the times you have listened to me? And prayed for me?

I still read that book you sent me whenever I feel I can't get through it one more day. It gives me hope and inspiration when I'm feeling despaired. It is something I read a bit of almost every night before I go to bed. The dreaded going to bed knowing I'm going to awake in a couple of hours up again with the pain.

Thanks for keeping Ron and me in your prayers. We still need as many as we can get.
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Friday, January, 16, 2009 10:35 PM American Sweetheart writes:

Pepp and Gos

I am so proud of you for wanting to share about bi-polar disorder. It is misunderstood and creating an awareness is an incredible way to honor Jeff. My best friend from my childhood has struggled with it for years and I have seen the in and out of the hospital, the constant switching of treatments and drugs and what it can do to a person.

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. My heart goes out to you both in this troubling time. You have my heart and prayers and I hope that you find strength.

If you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to ask. I don't care how far I am from you, I will do anything you need!

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Friday, January, 16, 2009 10:46 PM Peppermint2 writes:

American Sweetheart

Thanks. I do want to make bi-polar disease more aware to people who don't understand it or make fun of people with it. It's no laughing matter as you know from what your friend has gone through. It is a constant battle as you say.

Thanks for your warmth and your prayers. We still need them a lot. And also for offering your help.

I'm finding strength through all of you from Townhall and all you have given to us. What more could I ask for?


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Friday, January, 16, 2009 10:46 PM Bobbie writes:

You have made an important step

towards your slow recovery from this gonizing veil of tears. Talking about it and journaling produce an escape vent for overwhelming feelings. Glad you're finding the strength to do it.

God bless you & Ron in this long journey and keep you in his care. Love & prayers to you both.
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Friday, January, 16, 2009 10:52 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Bobbie

You dear, dear woman. All the things you have written to me and given me your time and love.

Am I really making an important step here? I wasn't sure this was the right thing to do. But somehow I felt I needed to for whatever reason. I guess there does not have to be a reason.

"....this agonizing veil of tears." You describe it perfectly in those words.

Bless you too Bobbie and thank you for your continuing prayers and support.
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Friday, January, 16, 2009 11:22 PM dawndawn writes:

For Jeff

Dear Pepp and Goshawk! We have all missed you so much! Thank you for opening the door and reaching out to us here at TH! Writing this first blog as a tribute to Jeff is an enormous step forward. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, frustrations and grief with us and know that we also mourn with you. You are in our thoughts and prayers always!
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Friday, January, 16, 2009 11:30 PM arik writes:

Peppermint

I have a co-worker who lost her son to an overdose at the end of November, and several others who lost children unexpectedly over the past few years. It seems to me the most traumatic thing anyone could ever have to endure.

I am so sorry for your loss. God bless you, and we'll keep you in our prayers.
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Friday, January, 16, 2009 11:39 PM Jennifer writes:

Prayers

May God grant you comfort in this time of grief.
It took a lot of courage to write and share your thoughts on such a personal loss.

You have reached out with a humble heart and God gives Grace to the humble.

In My Prayers,
Jennifer
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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 9:29 AM Gray Ghost writes:

Pepp2

You are still in my prayers. And I pray that our Heavenly Father gives you the strength and guidance you need to get through this. Keep your faith strong in God. (I have always loved the Psalms. Please read Psalm 138; verse 3 says: "In the day that I cried Thou answeredst me, and strengthenedst me with strength in my soul.")
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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 10:36 AM clyde writes:

Pepp

Excellent piece. The others who have commented on writing your thoughts out,either here or on paper,are spot-on. Those of us who have not experienced the devastation of losing a child will never know the extent of the pain Ron and yourself are going through. As far as being able to repay,WE WILL HEAR NONE OF THAT!!! If we can't help each other out through the tough times,then what good are we?
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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 11:42 AM Peppermint2 writes:

Dawndawn

Another dear, dear fried, Dawn. You have been by my side so much. And given me so much.

I'm glad how you put this as a tribute to Jeff because that is what it is. I want to honor my son. Yes, he was bi-polar and his actions at times were not comfortable to say the least, but all in all he was a good kid and a good man.

I know you mourn with me as so many others do. And you know it is a day to day thing right now. We got past the minute by minute and went on from there, but the pain is always there. It never stops.

Thanks Dawn for taking the time to come by.
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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 11:49 AM Peppermint2 writes:

Arik

Thanks Arik for coming by and reading.

I feel so sorry for you co-worker because I do know what she/he is going through. It is the most traumatic thing to happen for a parent to lose a son or daughter through suicide, the worst pain ever.

The word you used "endure" most aptly describes the experience. And while you are enduring this trauma, many times you wonder how much can I endure. The pain is so bad, worse than any other emotional pain I've had to endure and during my many moons on this earth I've had my share.

Thanks for keeping us in your prayers. And God bless you too.



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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 11:55 AM Peppermint2 writes:

Jennifer

Thanks for coming by and reading this piece. It's not the easiest thing to read nor was it easy to write.

Thanks for the compliment for saying I have courage. I don't know what I have right now, but I do know I needed to share and thank those who have been by my side in spirit these last 7 weeks.

God has shown me comfort through all the good people on Townhall who have taken the time to help me get through this.

And thank you for keeping us in your prayers. We need all we can get.

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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 12:00 PM Peppermint2 writes:

GrayGhost

Thank you for keeping us in your prayers. That means so much to both Ron and me.

I pray to that God gives me the strength to get through this because every day is a battle. Some days I want to give up, thinking I cannot take it anymore. The pain is so unbearable at times. But you bear it and go on to the next day.

I do read the Psalms. They are very comforting to me right now.

"In the day that I cried Thou answeredst me, and strengthenedst me with strength in my soul.")

You just quoted one of my favorites because I have read that one over and over in some of my darkest hours.




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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 12:09 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Clyde

Thanks for the compliment. You too have been by my side constantly and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate that.

You give me some smiles with your stories about Buster and chewing up Obama collar dogs. Since I love dogs and hearing stories about them, your emails have always put a little bright spot into my days.

No it cannot be felt, the pain, that comes with losing a child unless you have gone through it yourself. One can imagine how bad it would be, but one can never know until it has happened.

I only pray that something like this never happens to any of our good friends on Townhall. I would never wish this on my worst enemy. It's like living in hell on earth.

"If we can't help each other out through the tough times,then what good are we?"

OK, well taken and thanks again.
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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 12:10 PM Dogged writes:

Pepp and Gos

It's good to see you back here. As Willibeaux said this is an excellent way to help you deal with your pain.

By helping others to know and understand the pain those left behind have to deal with. There's always the possibility that you might make even just one person change their mind about suicide. Because of your article you may save someone from the pain you and Ron are going through now.

Both you and Ron are in our prayers.

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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 12:24 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Dogged

Thanks dear friend who has been by my side also constantly.

It makes me feel good you're glad to see us back here even with this article that was so hard to write it ripped me to shreds and Ron too when he read it. But, it does help to get some of the pain out and talk about it. I'm only thankful that others are willing to read it and share in our story.

You know, Dogged, I don't know if this article would save someone from this pain because when an individual decides to take their life they are not in a moment of reason. I'll go over that in later articles. But those who may be thinking of it on a spur of the moment perhaps it would have an impact. I'm not really sure.

I wish we could help others. I hope we can in some way. And, I hope to help others to recognize what bi-polar disease does to the individual and those around them.

I will say quite frankly that since Jeff died I have moments of suicidal feelings myself because sometimes I don't feel I can bear this pain any longer. But, I think of Ron and others who love me and knowing this pain I would never want to inflict that onto someone.

Thanks for keeping us in your prayers. In another article I will write what I think all those prayers helped me through even though it might sound a little bit crazy to some.




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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 1:27 PM beachmom writes:

Pep

Glad to see you back on Townhall.
I can't imagine how hard this is for you.
You do not, however owe any of us anything.
We are glad to be able to give you some small comfort.
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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 1:33 PM Nee writes:

You go, Pepp Gal!

There, that was a big step. I am losing two friends to cancer and it does not compare, but I cry and I scream and get mad and...I write.
It always helps in the rough spots. Writing has always been the way i deal with stuff that sucks.
Waitin' on the next one!
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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 2:20 PM Purplegimp writes:

Pepp and Gos

You just had to go and do it, didn't you? You had to say something nice about me, even though it has been strictly forbidden. Oh, well. I'll forgive you this time. Don't ever do it again.
I am glad that you did sit down and write this. I knew you would when you were ready and I've been expecting it for a few days now.

Hang in there. One minute, one day, one week at time.
Lucie has your back.
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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 2:30 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Beachmom

Thank you for being glad to see us back. It's kind of nice to be back and actually be able sit down long enough to read or write anything.

The first month I could not read much of anything, and writing, forget it. It was impossible. Emails yes, but not an article of any sort.

Believe me you all have been more than just a small comfort. Like one suicide survivor says, a little helps, but nothing helps a lot. But, every bit of email, cards, etc. I've gotten has helped so much more that I can say.

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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 2:37 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Nee

I look at the crystal angel you sent me and think of Jeff every time I see it because when he was a baby that is what I thought of him, an angel sent by God. I could never look at him enough he seemed so wondrous and beautiful to me,a true gift from heaven. As any mother knows the first time they see that first baby, it is the most wondrous thing to feel.

Yes, I guess the more I think about it, this has been a big step for me, but I never think in those terms. It's a baby step each day and sometimes you fall down and have to take that same baby step over again the next day.

I'm sorry you are losing friends to cancer. I have two friends too right now who are battling with it. So I know what that feels like too. And why does God always take the good ones? I guess there is an answer to that but I sure don't have it.

Thanks Nee.

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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 2:45 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Lucie

Yeah, I did have to tell that story about you being so kind. How could I not? You my dear evil one can forbid me, but you can't stop me, your apprentice in evility.

I won't promise not to ever do it again either. Now stick that in your broom and smoke it.

Of course you knew I would write when ready. You know my every thought and word on everything.

"Hang in there. One minute, one day, one week at time." Exactly right. That's how it goes, sometimes it's minutes, sometimes it's a day, and the weeks start to pass and then you suddenly realize you've made it this far, maybe I can keep on making it. Until the horrible pain hits again, then you start to wonder all over again. But, then that passes and numbness sort of sets in for a little while to give you a break. For a little while.

"Lucie has your back." I know you do and I love you for it, whether you're mean or nice.

Oh, I forgot, you're never nice, just mean and evil.
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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 3:00 PM Purplegimp writes:

St Gracie

That should fuel my wheelbroom pretty much all the way to your place. Then, we'll see about mean.
Anyway, Just go easy on it. I'm in a particularly foul mood these days and it doesn't look to get much better any time soon. But, no matter how foul a mod I'm in, I still have your back.
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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 3:07 PM Paulie writes:

Pep, Gos

As has already been stated, it's good to see you back.

I check here on a regular basis to see how you're doing; you guys have been in my thoughts and prayers.

Had I known that constant communication was OK I would have been pestering the he77 out of you.

And everyone is right about what you're doing: put your thoughts down and vent; get it out and don't hold back.

We'll wait on the next chapter of the Acorns.

God bless you and Gos.
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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 3:14 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Lucie

"That should fuel my wheelbroom pretty much all the way to your place. Then, we'll see about mean."

Oooooh. I'm so scared.

Well just nurse that foul mood and get it all out, get plenty of rest, take your medicine and lie down. That's quackPat orders.

"But, no matter how foul a mod I'm in, I still have your back."

I know you do and that means a lot from someone so evil as you.
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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 3:21 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Paulie

"As has already been stated, it's good to see you back." No matter how many times it's said we like hearing it again and again. It makes us feel so cared about.

It's so nice you were checking on a regular basis. That makes me feel good too. And thank you for having us in your prayers and thoughts.

Oh, yes emails are welcome, very welcome. Like I said before they are the bright spots in my day. I love hearing from all who write to check in and tell me little stories too. I do shy away from all the political stuff though. I can't handle that right now. I've got so much on my plate I care so little what is going on.

OK, Paulie, I guess I'll keep venting on this and getting it out. Yes the Acorns will have to wait for awhile. Just not ready for that yet.

Bless you too Paulie and Mrs. Paulie
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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 3:50 PM Purplegimp writes:

Pepp and Gos

I think I will take Patquack's advice and head to bed, if only to plot and plan your payback! You seem to forget that I know how to make you laugh so hard your stomach aches for a week afterwards. Are you sure you want to there again?
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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 4:03 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Lucie

You go plot and plan out all your evility and of course, if you can make me laugh all the better. There is quite a shortage of laughs in this house these days.

And, I always hear laughter is the best medicine.

Now get that evil you into bed. Ya heah me?
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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 6:04 PM bob's my uncle writes:

Pepp and Gos

It is so good to see your post here again. I am weeping again for you after reading it. It has been a busy week for me, so I have not emailed you. But I owe you one, and will do so soon. My prayers for you and Gos continue without ceasing.
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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 8:52 PM Peppermint2 writes:

bob's my uncle

Thanks for coming by and reading this latest. I can barely read it myself without breaking down again crying.

I figured you've been very busy not having heard from you. But that's OK. I know people get busy.

And thanks for your continuing prayers for us. I know you've said them so often.


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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 9:30 PM arik writes:

Peppermint

I understand, in my own strange way, how you must feel. I was introduced to this prayer at a meeting, if you know what I mean, and though we just used the first stanza, the whole thing is very appropriate, and I hope it can give you some comfort.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr
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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 10:22 PM The Crawfish writes:

Good job, Pat

And yes, I've still got your back.

Now why'd you have to say something nice about Lucy and get her all spooled up, as if the fighting over there hasn't done that already.

It looks now like the triple murder of my classmate's sister and her kids was murder-suicide by her. That means I've got two families on my mind who are dealing with this.

Chins up, you two. We've all got your back.
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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 10:56 PM Peppermint2 writes:

arik

Thanks for the prayer. Yes I know it, not from those meetings we all know about, but from other nightly prayers books I have on how to get through each day one day at a time.

Thanks for putting it on here and reminding me of it however. It is a beautiful prayer to live by.
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Saturday, January, 17, 2009 11:13 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Craw Dahlun

Thanks. And I know you've still got my back. You're one of the best of the best. Now don't get all funny like mean Lucie.

Yeah, I did get Lucie all in a spin and I've been very well addressed on that from Queen Evility herself.

Now you know she doesn't let a few little ole hizzies bother her one bit. She's made of iron.

So sorry to hear of your classmate's sister. What a sad and horrible story. You've got a lot of people to take care of Craw.

Thanks, I know you all are out there for us to get us through this. That is one thing that keeps me going. What a blessing you all have been in this time of terrible need for me and Ron.

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Sunday, January, 18, 2009 2:03 AM str8_talk writes:

Pep

I can't relate to losing a child but I've been praying for you and Ron every day. As you know I'd been going thru my own set of problems and God taught me if I prayed for others, He would take care of me. This week I finally start the job that I checked into last September.

I have a brother and an ex-husband who are bi-polar, so I understand that portion of what you've dealt with. I also had a cousin, who got pregnant in high school and I tutored her. She was also bi-polar and she committed suicide at 39. My aunt, her mother, has still not recovered fully, but she can talk about it without crying now and has been able to for several years. That was 10 years ago this December. I remember how we all had this horrible guilt that we could have done something, but the truth is, we couldn't. Neither could you. My aunt had also lost a child she carried full term, so she lost two children.

I'm glad that you're writing, it's good therapy. I've been writing my frustrations but not sending them to anyone, just to get the words out of my head. God Bless you and Ron both and know that I'm praying for you both that your hearts will mend. It takes time and it's okay to cry. God has big shoulders and I sometimes grab my pillow at night and cry over what I've experienced in the last year, but it's nothing compared to what you've experienced, just lean on God now. With love, Kimberly
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Sunday, January, 18, 2009 2:48 AM Purplegimp writes:

St Gracie

See what happens when you spread nasty untrue rumors? You drag poor Craw into it. He knows better than to try and sully my sterling black reputation in public!
You wouldn't want a nice kind sweet angelic gimp protecting you, would you? Not with that bunch of Satan's Spawn in the background. To handle that bunch you need all the mean evility you can get on your side.
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Sunday, January, 18, 2009 7:07 AM Peppermint2 writes:

Kimberly

Yes, I know you've been having your own set of agony going on for you and I pray for you too. Thanks for saying your prayers for Ron and me while you have so much on your plate at the same time.

I'm so glad to hear you got that job you wanted. Congratulations of that one! Doing good woman!

I see you have had some experience with bi-polar and it probably was not pleasant. I feel for your aunt who has not fully recovered from her loss. Actually I'm not sure one ever "recovers" but comes to terms with it some way.

I don't feel any guilt which is odd I suppose because I've seen so many others write it on that one line group, but I knew in my heart I had done everything I could to help Jeff. Besides the first thing my doc to me was "Do not go down the path of guilt, that it only keeps you from grieving". So I have stayed away from that and just grieved. In other words guilt is just a way to keep yourself from feeling the pain. It's a useless emotion in these kinds of circumstances.

Writing down frustrations is a good way to get things off of one. Then you can just tear it up or burn it.

Oh, I have no trouble crying. Ron can attest to that. I don't even care if people see me in public crying. If someone does not like it they don't have to look at me. I can't always hold it inside in public although I don't go out much anywhere lately. My exhaustion level was so great the first month I was simply overwhelmed with it.

I've been leaning on God for quite sometime. He must have big shoulders for all the people who do it.

Thanks Kimberly for your continuing thoughts and prayers. And I hope your situation continues to improved for you.






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Sunday, January, 18, 2009 7:13 AM Peppermint2 writes:

Lucie

Yes, Queen of Evility. I got poor Craw involved in defending your meanness. That was quite terrible of me, but I can assure you I will do no such thing ever again to smear your reputation of an absolute b*stard.

No I don't need a kind gimp protecting me from Satans that is for sure. Evil must reign for that. And I have been taking my apprenticeship from you, my mastress. Or is that mistress? Whatever the Queen of Evility.

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Sunday, January, 18, 2009 9:12 AM Purplegimp writes:

St Gracie,

If you really want to someone involved in protecting my sterling black name, talk to Willi Dahlink. He'll tell you that a nice Dem Der Motorcycle is useless. And you need all the Dem Der Motorcycles you can find to keep those Satan's Spawn away from the Holler.
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Sunday, January, 18, 2009 12:54 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Lucie, QOE

All right, I'll speak to Willibeaux about getting Satan spawns out of my backyard. Or my holler that is. Although we sit up on a big hill where the lightening strikes all the time, remember?

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Sunday, January, 18, 2009 6:46 PM emjayne writes:

Pepp

Can't add a thing to what everyone has been saying but I wanted to let you know I am one more thinking of you and wishing you well.
God Bless, dear woman. Hang in there.
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Sunday, January, 18, 2009 7:11 PM Peppermint2 writes:

emjayne

Thanks for coming by and thinking of us. I sure do appreciate that.
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Sunday, January, 18, 2009 10:18 PM Goshawk writes:

To All

Just wanted to thank you all once again for standing by and supporting Pepp in this time of grief. It means a great deal to her in that she doesn't feel so much alone. I of course am with her every minute and do all I can do. But there are times that it is just not enough.

So I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
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Monday, January, 19, 2009 1:32 AM Purplegimp writes:

St Gracie,

I seem to recall that it was WilliBeaux Dahlink who decreed that you live in holler. take it up with him, if you dare!
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Monday, January, 19, 2009 10:01 AM xpressit writes:

On the road, again

Pepp and Gosh:
So nice to read this post. Very well done, as usual.

Thanks. Prayers…they continue. I think in the process you’ve begun your own support group, for others. Minute by minute explains it well.
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Monday, January, 19, 2009 11:23 AM Peppermint2 writes:

Lucie

Oh, Miss Evility, what does it matter, holler, hill, hell, it's all the same.
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Monday, January, 19, 2009 11:34 AM Peppermint2 writes:

xpressit

Thanks for coming by. I've read your beautiful card over and over several times because of the prayer on it. It's so lovely.
Glad to hear from you. And, you would know the minute by minute. Some days are still like that I'm sorry to say.
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Monday, January, 19, 2009 1:27 PM Keys to the Right writes:

Pepp and Gos

I'm so sorry to hear about your son. Just know that I am praying for you two and your entire family.
God bless,
Keys to the Right
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Monday, January, 19, 2009 3:03 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Keys

Thanks for your condolences and prayers. We still need them quite a bit. It's only been 8 weeks now and it just goes in circles round and round. Never stops, no place to get off.
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Monday, January, 19, 2009 3:52 PM Redhead writes:

God Bless You

Pep, I just dropped by, although I haven't for a long time.

I have not idea what you are experiencing. I can't imagine what you are going through. Quite frankly, I don't want to try. It's too terrible to think about.

God Bless You, and Care for You.
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Monday, January, 19, 2009 4:40 PM Jason writes:

Pepp Gos

I can see your strength here. It takes someone of great strength to write about what you both have been thru.

I have only lost my Dad, a nephew, and a couple of close freinds. You all have been thru the worst, and I will still pray for you all.

Thank You for the post, will look forward to the next one.

In Dark times, people are searching for the light
of comfort. You are bright flames in my book, a source of inspiration and comfort to us as well.

God Bless!!

Jason
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Monday, January, 19, 2009 5:44 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Redhead

Thanks so much for coming by and reading. No it is too terrible to even think about, much less experience. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy quite frankly.

I appreciate your caring enough to comment.

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Monday, January, 19, 2009 5:57 PM bryce1 writes:

hey Pep

Just stopping by to say hello and see how you're doing. WOW! How great to see this support network you got going girl! It speaks volumes about you.

You were on my mind this morning as my cat, usually sedentary(?) to the point of being comatose, performed some amazing gymnastics in pursuit of a stray cobwebb. It made me think those wonderful photo essays that first brought me here. I chuckle now just thinking about them.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you.

Tell my rival for your affections I said hi.
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Monday, January, 19, 2009 6:00 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Jason

Well, I'm glad you can see strength here because I sure don't feel like it most of the time. Some days I feel I'm strong and can get through this, then other days, not so much.

You have had a hard loss in your life also, that of your Dad. Losing a parent is traumatizing also as I well know having lost both my parents. But, you're right this is the worst.

Thanks for your prayers and your compliment. I am certainly flattered that you see us as an inspiration and of comfort.

I guess if it gives someone a little comfort or inspiration that is a good thing. Perhaps something good can come from this, but I have a hard time seeing that in my pain.

Besides Jeff being my son, he was also my friend. We were very close and that is one thing I do thank God for is that the last months before his death I talked to him almost every night. Those talks I will cherish forever.






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Monday, January, 19, 2009 6:14 PM Peppermint2 writes:

bryce1

Thanks bryce for stopping by to say hello. That was very thoughtful of you to say the least. Yeah, I'm kind of surprised at how many people would come by to read this horror story.

I can just see your cat doing those gymnastics. And over a cob web! I used to have a cat a long time ago that would chase moths in the yard and catch them in the air. It always amazed me he could do that. He was a big guy too, about 15 lbs.

I hope one day I'll feel enough humor to put up some more funny photo essays if I ever return to normal whatever that is. I'm glad you still get a chuckle out of them even after all this time.

I'll tell your rival hi and thanks so much for thinking about me. It means a lot to me.



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Monday, January, 19, 2009 6:28 PM bryce1 writes:

Pep

Have you read Joan Didion's 'The Year of Magical Thinking'? If you haven't I recommend it highly. It deals with the year following her husband's death during her daughter also passed.

Yeah, I know I know, it sounds like a real downer, but she does an amazing of putting in words all of those weird ruminations and behaviors associated with grief.

One bit in particular that struck a cord with me was her feelings regarding her husband's shoes. While she had no problem relinquishing his other belongings somehow she couldn't get rid of the shoes.

After I read that piece, it occured to me that I had freely given away my Dad's belongings, but dog gone it if I had keep his golf shoes!

I've spoken to others who had the same experience.
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Monday, January, 19, 2009 6:48 PM Peppermint2 writes:

bryce1

No I don't think I read that one by Didion. I've read some of her others however.

OMG, both her husband and her daughter in the same year? Maybe I'll try getting it at the library. It sounds interesting if I can concentrate long enough to read it. I have concentration problems.

I didn't even get to go into my son's apartment to see if there was anything I wanted to take for sentimental reasons. My ex pretty much kept me locked out of all of that stuff, even helping to plan the funeral. I was not invited. And, I was the last one to be told my son was dead. Just more pain heaped on me for what reason I have no idea. The irony is that my son would not have wanted his father planning his funeral. They were not even on speaking terms for sometime.

Fortunately I do have some of his hand made stuff when he was a child and have saved all the cards he gave me. The last one he gave me was very special to me. It said he admired me. For some reason that meant so much to me. I keep that card on my desk.

That's kind of funny that you kept only your Dad's golf shoes. They must have some kind of meaning for you though.

Yeah, grief does weird things to ya. I couldn't take my Mom off my speed dial for a year after she had died. Many times I would pick the phone up to call her and suddenly realize I couldn't talk to her again.

I do the same now about Jeff. I start thinking of some meal he liked in particular and how I should make that the next time he comes down. Then, I just burst into tears realizing that will never be again.




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Monday, January, 19, 2009 7:53 PM bryce1 writes:

Pep

How awful about the lockout by your ex! I just don't understand that kind of venom. I mean whatever your relationship with the ex, Jeff was your son!

Thank God you've got GoShawk there.

I saw in one of your posts that someone had referred you to a support group. I went to Survivors of Suicide myself, and it was incredibly helpful to talk to someone else who has dealt with the extreme aberration of suicide. I'm sure you're probably feeling that no one could understand your grief, but if you're lucky like I was you will find those in a support group who do.

Excuse me for going on like Dr. Phil or something, but some meds might be helpful as well, just to get your head above water.

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Tuesday, January, 20, 2009 12:34 AM Peppermint2 writes:

bryce1

Oh, you haven't seen venom or known Satan until you know my ex husband. We have had a civil relationship and I don't really see much of him since he lives in MD. So, usually only at the kids birthdays.

And, actually, he believed my son faked his bi-polar disease. Now can you imagine anyone being able to fake that disease. Please!! So, he was of no support to Jeff at all over his illness.

Thanks for the advice Dr.Phil, but I'm on meds. They don't take the pain away though. Nothing can do that.
Actually my shrink has me on a lot of stuff right now. I just wish I had something that would completely knock me out and I'd wake up with total amnesia never remembering a thing about my past life. Maybe that would help. :-)

We plan on going to a group here nearby us once it's up and running. Right now we would have to drive to Lexington which is a 2 hour drive to get to a group session like the one you're talking about.

But, I am on an online group and that is very helpful and I am corresponding with some other mothers on there who do understand what it's like.

So you have gone to Survivors of Suicide yourself? And you found it helpful? I don't mean to pry, but you mentioned it so I was wondering.
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Tuesday, January, 20, 2009 2:08 PM xpressit writes:

Pepp & Bryce1

Excuse me for intervening in your comments to Bryce about the lockout, or exclusion. Bryce innocently cannot understand that kind of venom. That is not the real issue. The point is one cannot understand it -- not that it can be understood – and should not. I've had my experience with that knd of “venom”, and this case amazes me. I suppose it is supposed to shock or have some mental effect on you – but only as far as you let it. On that level, one grows to expect and anticipate this level of treatment; and rarely are we dissapointed when it is flung in your face. While I don’t understand (gave up trying…playing that game), I understand and identify with its targets.

And personally I would not care to be desensitized to that pain, spared from it, or not be able to feel or know it. And I believe its possible to know that venom without trying to fully understand it -- as if it were rational and logical anyway.
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Tuesday, January, 20, 2009 2:26 PM bryce1 writes:

Actually xpressit

I wish that I was innocent of that type of behavior. I haven't had contact with my siblings for years over events surrounding my father's final illness and death.

I still don't understand it. But ultimately that is what marks the difference between folks like Pep's ex and those like you, I, and our beloved Pep.
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Tuesday, January, 20, 2009 3:16 PM xpressit writes:

bryce1

Well, I didn’t mean to imply you did not. It just sounds innocent when we say we cannot understand it. (I use the phrase often too)

Not speaking to people is not quite the same, or harbored resentment against others even is not the same. For instance, I made inclusion an effort to my wife’s family even though I was continually the butt of their venom. Knowing full well it would not change things, there are no illusions about that. But he made a great effort here to exclude the other bilogical parent. Something which would take ____ fill in the word. “Evil” fits neatly in my book with that. Sadly, for them I believe it is about control as much as anything. People like that find creative ways to get and exercise it over someone, an opponent or enemy, if and when they choose.

Though many people I do not speak to or estranged family cannot compare to this level of evil (I almost called it chutzpah) one can encounter. Surprizingly, thinking of the story of Joseph always helps my perspectve. But it does take more than one. I think that is the same reminder we see in the Mid-East, continually. Yes. People like you, or us, just do not seem to have the same motivations of those others.
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Tuesday, January, 20, 2009 6:42 PM Peppermint2 writes:

xpressit and bryce

Very interesting conversation you two were having on here.

I think control is a big issue in my case. And attempts at humiliating me. Neither of these things do I engage in, however I do recognize it when I see it. Can I understand it? Not really. I mean I can understand it on an intellectual basis, but not on any emotional basis. I never try to humiliate anyone deliberately. I hate it.

Also, I've come to expect it from these same individuals because that is what they are like. Can't change them, don't care to expend any energy on it, so I just don't allow myself to be sucked into any of it. It hurts me, now I will say that, but I don't fight back or show anger in any way because, according to my shrink, that is what is wanted.

My shrink tells me my ex is just trying to spread anger and chaos within the family (his for the most part) What he did to me is only a sample. He also wrote an email which he sent out to the entire family telling them Jeff was a poisonous liar. I guess that pertained to Jeff having bi-polar disease. It was so out of line and out in left field, it amounts to almost being ridiculous.

Of course it did disturb his family but no one in his own family even likes him, so his attempt at disruption and chaos did not work.

What really gets me and I had a hard time understanding is why he would do that to his own son. My shrink says because my ex wants no guilt on him for Jeff's death. So, spread the lies and doubts. It's on his head, (my ex) because he mistreated Jeff terribly over his illness. Someday he'll pay for that in God's way I imagine.
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Tuesday, January, 20, 2009 8:35 PM Peppermint2 writes:

xpressit

"I made inclusion an effort to my wife’s family even though I was continually the butt of their venom."

Boy, can I identify with that one. But, with my situation is it mostly my ex, his wife, and Jeff's widow.

No matter how hard I try to be a civil, decent human being to these people, nothing will ever change. What is it? Evil perhaps.

When you get treated so bad over having done nothing to hurt any of these kinds of people, it has to be evil. What else could there be? I do not understand this at all.
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Tuesday, January, 20, 2009 11:11 PM xpressit writes:

Pepp

No perhaps about it, it is evil as far as I'm concerned. They can label it whatever they like. Mine was with the whole family who more less spoke in the same tongues (language and deed). It was evil, whether particular ones were cognitive culprits or not was beyond the point. And it came like a mountain at you, usually without warning except for that instinctive and gut feeling that you knew it was coming. All our marriage was the same toward both of us. It was what they do. At least we had each other. It was as intentionally evil as if they planned it, sometimes they did. Other times it seemed their natural fruit. I'm glad many of his family saw the email for what it was. Some can't or don't care, as in my case. I think its sort of like truth is the first caualty of evil.
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Wednesday, January, 21, 2009 3:08 AM Peppermint2 writes:

xpressit

I name it evil too. I'm only too sorry your whole in law family was in it against you. Yes, even though you expect this kind of behavior out of some certain people it still comes down on a person like a ton of bricks.

There seems to be no end to how some people are willing to hurt someone else. They see only for themselves and no one else. Completely devoid of caring about another's feelings. Sociopaths is what I call them. No empathy or compassion for anyone.

I hope there is a place reserved in hell for these kind of people. There is nothing we can do to change them or the situation. Power and control is what these people are all about.

I think my ex still harbors resentment that he has no control over me for the last 18 years we've been divorced. Control over me was tantamount to anything.
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Wednesday, January, 21, 2009 12:34 PM xpressit writes:

Pepp

Thank you for your comments on the subject and a chance to vent a bit. I can know your loss yet cannot know the depths of your pain, hard as I try. I may know and recognize the evil, but not understand its causes. You’ve been a godsend for others even when mourning your loss. How gracious our Peppermint is.


When you said you haven't seen venom or known Satan until you know my ex husband”, it really hit home. My wife said the same thing to me and other people, and was only too true. She’d tell people you don’t know my mother or don’t know my family to warn them. It was not meant to offend or belittle them. It’s just that many would say we all have our family quarrels and problems. Yes they do, but she said that to differentiate between the average family problems. It was not your average “caring” family, which may really have their best concerns for the others. I know other families on non-speaking terms, for years, who don’t act out on that level. I guess it is so true that you cannot fully know it until you feel it. Often you do nothing to set it off, and it seems you can really do nothing to prevent it.

I did not intend to derail the real concern on this topic, for Jeff. The sad part is I don't know if any amount of learning can help one deal and cope with that whole experience.
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Thursday, January, 22, 2009 6:31 AM Peppermint2 writes:

xpressit

No problem, vent all you like. I don't mind. I'd like to scream sometimes. I hear other people do but I haven't gone out and screamed. I'd probably bring all the coyotes in up here.

You know the pain of losing a spouse and that is very, very hard too. Thanks for calling me a godsend. I hope someone gets something from all of this. Neither one of us can know the depths of each others' pain but we both know the pain of a death of a loved one. A very loved one and that gives us a connection.

I agree with what your wife said because I know what she's speaking of. Normal families do have squabbles but not to the extent of being evil. And if it makes you feel any better, I told my shrink I just don't understand or comprehend this kind of behavior out of my ex, his wife, my daughter in law and he told me that was good, because if I did I would be like one of them. I'm not supposed to understand it.

"I guess it is so true that you cannot fully know it until you feel it. Often you do nothing to set it off, and it seems you can really do nothing to prevent it."

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Thursday, January, 22, 2009 6:32 AM Peppermint2 writes:

xpressit Part 2

How true. You don't have to do anything but exist for these kinds of people. You don't do anything to set them off. They just use others for their venomous behaviors and who knows what is in their minds. Sometimes it is deliberate, other times they may just be lashing out at whomever is present. I don't know. I have just come to expect it but even though I expect it it still hits like a blow into the stomach.

I'll never understand Jeff's suicide. There are going to be questions in my mind for the rest of my life. I ask myself why did he not come to me like he did all the other times he felt this bad. But, he had made up his mind and let no clues out.

I don't know what one learns from all of this right now if anything. Maybe someday I'll know. Not now though. All I know right now, it all seems so unfair to me for my son to be gone. A non evil son. He was so giving and caring.
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Monday, January, 26, 2009 12:43 PM The Crawfish writes:

Pepp

Doctor Crawfish is glad that our hour-long therapy session yesterday went well. Your prescription is for more laughter, and the refills are unlimited. One of the good things is...your therapy sessions are always free. Just don't make me get Boudreaux and Lucy to team up on you. That could get outta hand real quick-like.
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Tuesday, January, 27, 2009 4:13 PM bryce1 writes:

Hey Pep

Sorry for the delayed response to your post, just read it today.

Yeah, I went to S.O.S. meetings as a matter of routine for months, and I can't begin to tell you how helpful it was.

If you are like me, as time goes on you will find yourself feeling increasingly isolated in your grief because suicide is such an aberration that while many will be sympathetic, they can never be truly empathetic. This is not their fault, it's just a natural consequence of the aberration of the act. Unfortunately, through no fault of their own your son's death will inform how they see you.

I also found that when I did talk about it with non-survivors it caused a sort of shutting down on their part. Again, in no way is this their fault, but if you haven't experienced it, exactly what do you say to someone who has lost a child in your case, or in my case a mother, to such an act.

When I went to my first meeting what struck me was the absence of that dynamic, and how it allowed me to talk about my feelings in a way that neither branded me as other, or placed too heavy a burden on the other person.

I also noticed in your exchange with xpressit that you mentioned not understanding Jeff's act. Boy does that resonate. But that in fact is one of the great tragedies of suicide. While you may understand the circumstances surrounding in, ultimately the final 'why' is taken from you by the person who kills themselves. It's been 20 years since my Mom's death, and I grapple with the final 'why' to this day.

Sorry to drone on, I actually just stopped by to say hi.
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Tuesday, January, 27, 2009 4:22 PM bryce1 writes:

One other thing Pep

As strange as it may sound, on of things that helped me most was when I was finally able to express anger at my mother. It took a long, long time, about 5 years in fact. But one day on the advice of a therapist I wrote a letter to her detailing how her act had negatively affected my life. At first, I just stared at the blank page, but once I fixed on one issue, in my case the fact that my mother took the family dog with her, it all started pouring out and I found myself crying for the first time since her death.

It may be early yet for you, but when the time comes and you do the same I think you'll come from the experience feeling like a giant weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

Again, mea culpa for the delayed response.
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Tuesday, January, 27, 2009 7:36 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Crawfish

Thanks for the free session, Boudreaux being the highlight of my day. I think she, Lucie, and I could all get into a lot of trouble which would be really fun.
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Tuesday, January, 27, 2009 7:55 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Hi Bryce

We got good news today. The place that I talked to about a month ago called me today and they are starting up their survivors of suicide group starting in Feb. This place is only about 20 minutes away from us so we're excited about this. We thought it would take much longer than this, so this is a nice surprise.

I'm sorry about you losing your Mother through suicide. Do you mind me asking you how old you were when she died? And to this day you still grapple with the "why". Is that not the truth! The whys, they go round and round. It's like something that never quits in your head.

So you have the other side of this tragedy, a child, or young man/man losing his mother through suicide.

Very different perspective on this. I was wondering if you could tell me more. My email address is right on my blog on the main page to the right if you want to tell me more about it privately. I'm very much interested in how all this went for you, dealing with it, how you felt, etc.
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Tuesday, January, 27, 2009 8:06 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Bryce

Yeah, I know what you mean about people and talking to them about a loved one completing a suicide. People do not know what to say unless they have gone through it themselves. It's very uncomfortable for them I've found.

Some people. Others are OK with it.

Well, I could write that angry letter, but I hate to tell you that I cry constantly. This weekend was horrible. I started crying on Friday afternoon and didn't stop until sometime Sunday night. Then it started up all over again yesterday and into today. It seems that is all I do is cry until I think I can't cry anymore, that there is nothing left in me, then I start it up again. I burst into tears over just about anything. And I've been doing this for two months now.

I'm drained from it all. It is the most draining death I have ever encountered. There are so many unanswered questions that will never have an answer. That's another thing that is so sad.
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Wednesday, January, 28, 2009 1:27 AM bryce1 writes:

Hey Pep

I don't mind at all discussing this publicly, in fact I'd rather because maybe someone else stopping by the cite will glean something of worth from it.

My Mom died in 1986. I was 28 at the time. Like your son, she suffered from mental illness. Her diagnosis was major depression but I suspect there was also was is called 'late blooming' schizophrenia at work as well. Unlike Jeff her descent into madness was sudden and unexpected. She had always been the most capable of people. Class valedictorian and cheerleader, this despite the fact that she came from the only black family in a small town north of Seattle. You may know of it. It's called Roslyn and is where the show 'Northern Exposure' was situated and filmed. And yes, when I visited there last in the 1970s it was just like the show.

She went on to work her way through college, where again she was class valedictorian, began teaching, married, had my twin my sister and I, and enjoyed a comfortable middle class life.

In retrospect there was always a slightly brittle element to her, like she was never quite convinced of what she had created. I also have clear memories of her overreacting to events at times, and having mood swings.

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Wednesday, January, 28, 2009 1:44 AM bryce1 writes:

Cont'd

She and my father divorced when I was 26. She moved out and bought a house that was really more than she could handle financially. Then her favorite sister died suddenly, her mother nearly died, and she had an emergency hysterectomy which nearly killed her as well.

I could tell the stress of all of this was affecting her, but while out of character, it didn't sound any alarm bells as just about anyone would be affected by all of this happening over the course of a year. Then she had a house fire that destroyed everything. She had insurance to replace it all but it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Unbeknownst to me she began acting bizarrely at work, showing up disheveled, breaking down in tears in front of her class, making rambling phone calls to co-workers in the middle of the night, etc...

Once my sister alerted me and I became involved, she resisted my efforts to seek treatment, bolstered by my Grandmother(who sounds like your ex), until I began commitment proceedings. At that juncture she agreed to treatment and seemed to improve. It turns out she was just bidding her time.

While improved she was still often incoherent and rambling, but the last time I saw her there was a distinct decline. What breaks my heart is that during that last visit she dropped a lot of signals, saying over and over again that she wished she could just go to sleep and not wake up again, saying cryptically that she knew how to fix her situation and cradling the family dog in her arms and moaning about what would happen to him if she wasn't around. Two days later she took the dog to the garage with her and turned on the car, my sister found her that night.

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Wednesday, January, 28, 2009 2:25 AM bryce1 writes:

Cont'd II

As to my own feelings they can be summed up in one word...guilt. While she was being deliberately opaque the last time I saw her, deep in my heart I knew exactly what her intentions were. But Pep, I was so tired from having to bear the brunt of dealing with her. My father though supportive was not involved, my sister was just a teenager, and unbeknownst to me my twin was in the midst of a drug addiction and wasn't answering my calls. On top of this I lived an hour away, and because of paranoia she had her phone disconnected, requiring me to drive to see her 2 or 3 times a week. But still, to this day the greatest regret of my life is that I didn't take time off from work and stay with her.

The next year was a blur, I remember the events, but they have real no chronology. My own latent depression was triggered and I sank lower and lower until it was all I could do to get out of bed most days. This was pre-Oprah and Dr. Phil so there was the premium on counseling we have today. After a couple of years I did see a couple of therapist on and off but nothing committed. Eventually, over 5 years later my ex, who had been my rock throughout laid down an ultimatum and I began seeing someone regularly and went on meds.

Unfortunately, after several months of therapy with some results my own life fell apart and I had a nevous breakdown, and seriously contemplated suicide myself. This was really my breakthrough. I made a conscious decision not to follow the path she had taken and committed myself. This was very hard because after watching her decline and subsequently learning of the extensive history of mental illness on both sides of my family my greatest fear was ending my days in mental hospital.



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Wednesday, January, 28, 2009 2:34 AM bryce1 writes:

Cont'd III

To make a long story short...oops too late!...the turning point for me was my self-commitment. Facing down that fear, breaking my families' cycle of denial, intensive therapy and meds all contributed to getting my head above water. After getting out I attended S.O.S. meetings and that was instrumental as well. I can't say I'm over it, or ever will be, but I do now feel on an even keel. Last year in fact my Mom's birthday passed without my remembering it. Pep, as perverted as it sounds that was a wonderful thing.

The take away message from all of this is don't follow my example. Seek therapy, go to groups, take meds, whatever it is be active not passive. As to your crying, Sweetheart don't fight it. I'm not a crier, that isn't pride or machismo talking, it's just not in my makeup apparently. After the initial shock, I rarely shed a tear, but I desperately wish I could have because on the rare occasions when the tears did flow, it was definitely cleansing experiences. So if for no other reason than for me, please, cry your eyes out.
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Thursday, January, 29, 2009 2:34 PM The Interface writes:

An answer to prayer...

...is this post and the comments thread. The Pepperhawks continue in my prayers. I particularly think your "discussion" of "evility" both therapeutic and enlightening. God continue to bless to bring you through the Valley of the Shadow of Death fit to glorify Him as trophies of His grace.
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Thursday, January, 29, 2009 4:50 PM Purplegimp writes:

Everyone

And now on top of everything else, this storm that roared through so many states has gone and left Pepp and Gos without electrickery, which pretty much means that they are most likely snuggled together under a mountain of duvets. A reliable source who is familar with the holler has informed this Dem Der Bad Motorcycle that their power might not be fixed for several days.

The first fool who tries to blame this on Bush IS GOING TO HAVE ME TO DEAL WITH.
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Friday, January, 30, 2009 12:04 PM The Crawfish writes:

P-Gimp

Of course it's Bush's fault. He alone caused all of the global warming...
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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 2:20 AM Peppermint2 writes:

Hi Bryce

I was down for 3 days due to the huge ice storm here in KY. So sorry I'm just getting to your posts now. Sorry for the delay.

It really is brave of you to talk out in the open about your experience.

Your mother sounded like a wonderful and talented woman with great achievements in her time. I feel so sad that she suffered with mental illness. It kills so many.

Like your Mom, my son was also very talented and a gifted child. He could do almost anything. But, he too never quite believed in what he created or accomplished, like somehow it was a fluke. But, it was not. He was a tremendous hard worker like your Mom.
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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 2:29 AM Peppermint2 writes:

Bryce cont:

OMG. What a terrible lot of pain your mother went through. Just one of those issues would be enough to break someone. But, with everything she had to deal with I am not surprised that she became so ill.

I feel sad that you feel guilty for not catching the red flags as they say. You did what you could. And that's more than most people do for someone who is mentally ill.

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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 2:39 AM Peppermint2 writes:

Bryce cont:

Aw, so you still feel guilt over all these years? I really feel for you. You had a lot to deal with there as I can see. But, you did what you could. You were caring and trying to do what you could at the time.

I can see where you would have a lot of fear going on about your own depression and ending up completing a suicide. But, you did the right thing and got help. Being hospitalized is not the worst thing in the world is it? At least for awhile to get your bearings. But i can certainly see where you would not want to go down the same path as your poor mother. God rest her soul.




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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 2:39 AM Jesse "The Mind" Norman writes:

My prayers to you and your family

Reading your post reminded me of a family I know. A little over two years ago a friend of mine in that family died of a motorcycle accident. The mother was absolutely devastated. She is the last person I would want to see this happen to because there was no clearer bond I have ever seen between a mother and her children than this woman. Right after I found out what happened to my dear friend, my thoughts went to her because of her great affection towards her two children. The best family I have ever known. Yes, including mine. As I would tell them, especially her, keep that chin up. That's what I will say to you too. Keep that chin up. You can't look in his direction if it's down. I wrote a blog not long ago that I think you would like about life, and those people in it.

http://jnormanii.blogtownhall.com/2009/01/10/what_i_love.th tml
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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 3:04 AM Peppermint2 writes:

Bryce cont:

Good for you Bryce, getting all the help you could to keep yourself stabilized. I really commend you for that and I think it's wonderful you took it upon yourself to break the cycle of denial.

I don't think not remembering your mother's birthday is perverted at all. It means you have moved on with your life in so many ways. Each anniversary of the lost loved one no longer puts you into a spin so to speak.

Bryce I've been in therapy for 25 years if you can believe that. I'll break one of my own rules here while we're telling secrets, I was molested by own father. So I had tons of issues to work out about him and my mother who never loved me for one minute until the short time before she died and we came to have a real relationship. I myself was suicidal many times and my shrinks told me they don't know how I made it this far and accomplished so much considering the terrible abuse I suffered as a child and teenager. I don't know how I did it either. It was one hell of a road to go down.

I'm a survivor and I'll survive this somehow. I've been on meds, been hospitalized, done groups for sexual abuse and all kinds of stuff over the last 25 years. I'm glad I did all that hard and painful work too because I feel it has made me a better and more tolerant person. I was even invited to talk to a bunch of boys ages 12 to 17 who were in a home for molesting others. Now, that was a challenge. But it was a profound experience as one boy broke down while I was talking and cried telling everyone for the first time that he had been sexually abused. The boys all cried while I was speaking and you couldn't hear a pin drop they were so caught up in hearing the other side of the story. Afterward they all wanted to talk to me personally. It was really a great experience and if I was able to help at least one of those boys to recover it was well worth it.



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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 3:11 AM Peppermint2 writes:

Bryce cont:

And crying, that's something i learned to do in therapy as I would never let anyone see me cry before that as I had a hard time allowing myself to cry over all the horrible things that had been done to me. So I take good care of myself in the emotional and mental part of my life.

It has been well worth all the hard and painful work I did in therapy to come out on the other side.

Somehow I'll get through this one, but this has been the most painful thing ever. It even tops the abuse. But, I let myself cry because I found if I don't my stomach bothers me so much and I know the emotional vomit must come up.

Thanks so much Bryce for sharing your story. You are really courageous to do so.
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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 3:21 AM Peppermint2 writes:

Jesse

Thanks for the kind words. I will come over and read your post tomorrow.
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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 3:49 AM Purplegimp writes:

Craw,

You sure you want to go there with me? Not your smartest move. This is one storm that can have the blame shared by two demoncRats. Obummer and Algoracle. I expected better from you.

It's all their fault now.
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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 1:29 PM Purplegimp writes:

Gracie and Bryce

Some how my smart a** comments got posted while you two were commenting to each other. I missed them until well after I posted.
I want you both to know that you are wonderfully brave people who have been handed situations you don't deserve. I admire your courage in telling your stories here.

May G-d bless you both and help heal your pain.
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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 2:33 PM dawndawn writes:

Popsicles, Isicles!

Hey, Pepp! So happy to know you and Goshawk are okay! We are all thinking of the good people in Kentucky who are suffering from this terrible cold! Just have to get this in here, PBHO is running around in the Oval Office in his shirt sleeves with the thermastat so high, Axelrod said, "You can grow orchids in there!" More hypocrasy to come!
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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 1:19 PM bryce1 writes:

Pep

Just read your response to my post on part I. Wow! The sentiments I just expressed about your honesty and courage...triple 'em!
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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 9:29 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Bryce

Was hoping to see you come back and read my responses. Thanks. I think we've both been pretty brave is ya ask me. We seem to be forming a liberal/conservative bond. How about that? Now, that is really something! And, you know what Bryce, I really do like you.
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Monday, February, 02, 2009 2:56 AM Cindy writes:

Pepper

I'm sorry about your son..He loves you, he just couldn't stand the pain, it's debilitating when it comes on. After reading the profile of a bi-polar it describes periods in my past...Everyday for years I either ran, swam, or rode my bike...You know, he's okay... as my Grandma used to say absent from the body present with the Lord.
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Monday, February, 02, 2009 3:25 AM Peppermint2 writes:

Cindy

Thanks for stopping by. Yes, that is one thing I do know that he loved me, he told me that a lot before he took his life. I'm grateful for that.

I know he was in terrible emotional pain. That's why I find it difficult to get angry with him for leaving me.

So you have had some really active periods in your life?

Not everyone who is active is bi-polar of course. Lots of other things need to go with it for it to be a disease. Some people are just energetic.

I sure wish I had some energy left. I'm about spent.
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Monday, February, 02, 2009 9:41 AM Cindy writes:

Pepper

Getting outside (I don't know where you live) and making contact with the ground helps when you're drained. It's cold right now but I am serious laying on the ground and letting your mind go back to more simpler times... rolling a couple of times in one direction, and then the other would help. Why? your body has a magnetic field, and the earth has one which can realign yours when it gets out of balance. It'll help in pulling the tired out of you. If you do it..get lost in letting time go...like a child does. (I used to do this everyday before I went to work when I worked 14 hr days in a Chinese restaurant it really works!).

Again the more you make contact with the earth the better you're going to feel.
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Monday, February, 02, 2009 4:20 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Cindy

OK. I'll try that. I like rolling in the snow anyway.
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Sunday, February, 15, 2009 5:54 PM Darvin Dowdy writes:

Stay involved in something...

...keep your mind busy. I have 2 sons and a daughter and grand daughter. What with such a dangerous world its hard for me not to go into an anxiety attack when my wife even loads my boys in the car to go to the store. Sometimes its that way. And I have to focus on my relationship with the Lord to calm me down. I'm putting you on my prayer list. The Lord will show you a direction to channel that love DD
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Sunday, February, 15, 2009 10:26 PM Peppermint2 writes:

DD

Thanks for the prayers. I have to say it's hard for me to even get involved in anything much less stay involved. Like today I probably have spoken 2 sentences. Some days are just not so good.
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