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Comment on: The Pepperhawks' Farm Journal

Jeff, My Son RIP Part II

83 Comments
Saturday, January, 31, 2009 7:15 PM emjayne writes:

Pepp

Can't say more than God Bless! Hearts are with you even when not in touch. Biggest huggggg!!
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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 7:18 PM Gray Ghost writes:

I Am So Sorry for You and Your Family.

Pep2, you will continue to be in my prayers. I also hope that you will continue to place your trust in God.

I know that your writing of this event in your life took its toll; but I hope your writing will help you get through these hard times.
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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 7:21 PM Gar Swaffar writes:

Pepp2

Prayer for those left behind is all any of us have for you.
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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 7:21 PM Peppermint2 writes:

emjayne

Thanks for coming by and the big hug.
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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 7:24 PM Peppermint2 writes:

GrayGhost

Thanks GG. I guess writing about it helps me to some degree also I want people to know what bi-polar disease is really like, not the way they show it on TV. I hate when they make people out to be totally insane and commit crimes because they are bi-polar. That is not the way it actually is.

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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 7:27 PM Peppermint2 writes:

boaz

Thanks. I always appreciate prayers. They are helping me get through all of this.
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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 7:33 PM The Crawfish writes:

Keep goin' Pepp

The fact that you were able to put this column together says a LOT about how you're doing. The prayers continue. You've still got my number...and can talk to Boudreaux if that's what you'd prefer. Keep it up, and we'll all help get you through.

We've still got your back!
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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 7:53 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Crawfish

Thanks. It's hard to do but I'm persistent if nothing else. And I've got your number. You guys are great for listening to me whine.

Glad you still got my back. Need ya there everyday!
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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 8:23 PM dawndawn writes:

Hi, Pepp!

God bless you for this beautiful post. It is a tremendous step forward for you to write about Jeff. Our thoughts and prayers are with you always, dear friend!
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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 9:07 PM Goshawk writes:

Hi all,

Not a whole lot I can say except thanks for hanging in there for Pepp and I.

I will say that I am very very proud of Pepp for what she's doing and now writing. When we first lost Jeff I was really concerned that she would fall into such a deep depression that she couldn't come out of it. But I now feel that she will come out of it ok in time.

And a great deal of thanks belongs to all of you who have stood by her and helped her through this. You may never know how truly helpful your words have been. But take it from me. I don't think she could have done it without you. And I thank you for all your support. From the bottom of my heart!
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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 10:31 PM bob's my uncle writes:

Pepp, Gos

As Crawfish says, we've got your back, all of us. Thank you for posting this. It really helps in understanding what Jeff was going through, and you, too, as his mother. Hugs from me, too.
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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 10:51 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Dawndawn

thanks Dawn. You know one step forward, two steps back and round and round, up and down the roller coaster we go.

Writing and thinking about Jeff before the illness struck him somehow is even more painful than after the disease because he was such a normal, sunny, little child who enjoyed everything there was. He made me look at the world all over again, every tiny little thing that fascinated him did me again as if I were a child discovering all over the wonders he was.
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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 10:53 PM Dogged writes:

Pepp

This post is a wonderfully written piece and very informative. As you said it is nothing like what we see on TV, and that getting help quickly is very important. Hopefully someone who knows somebody that acts like this, they can get them the help they need in a timely manor.

Writing this has had to have been one of the hardest things you have ever done.

Our thoughts and prayers are with both you and Gos.

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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 10:56 PM Peppermint2 writes:

bob's my uncle

Thanks for coming by and the hugs. Hugs are needed a lot around here. Being in the boonies so far away from anyone leaves us so isolated. Having all you folks at TH makes me feel connected to the world and all that there is still out there in this loneliest of times when in grief.

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Saturday, January, 31, 2009 11:13 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Dogged

Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I hope this article helps someone who may be wondering or teetering on the brink and don't know what is wrong and it somehow helps them.

At the time when Jeff was a teen I knew nothing of bi-polar disease, didn't have a clue what it even looked like although it was staring me in the face.

The child I knew I no longer recognized. That is the hardest and saddest part when I remember back on this. Jeff was a sunny, wonderful child. His mind explored everything. There was nothing that child would not question. Then the disease hit him and that person was gone, not forever, but for periods of time.

For me I try to think of all the wonderful things Jeff was, not the negative effects the disease had on him. And of course as a parent one always wonders if only, if only we did this or that or something else. It goes round and round in one's head.


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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 1:31 AM Purplegimp writes:

St Gracie,

You are one of the most couragous, brave, caring people I have been blessed to know. You know that I'm sitting here growling and threatening the evility that tipped Jeff over the edge and that I pray pretty much non stop that you never ever have to have so much as another second of emotional pain in your life.
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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 6:07 AM davecatbone writes:

Pepp

it's a hard thing. I'm sure writing about it involves re-living it. You are in our thoughts, and you guys will come out on the other side of this.
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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 10:17 AM clyde writes:

Pepp

Excellent piece,so many people have no idea of how this ,let's call it what it is,disease,affects the poor people who get,and those who love them,even as they battle the disease.My brother,as we have discussed,was diagnosed in his early 20's. The lithium worked well,but the side effects were very hard for my brother to overcome,along with being an alcohol and drug abuser. His doctor told us after our brother had died in a car wreck had he stayed away from the dope,and beer,and stayed on the lithium,he would have been as close to normal as possible,given the nature of the disease.My brother,although he and I were never real close,was a fellow who'd give you the shirt off his back during the normal phase. When he was having an episode,all bets were off.His last real bad episode,I had gone to his home to see if I could get him to come to the hospital with me. Upon arrival,I found him naked,jumping up and down on his bed,waving a rifle around.He was yelling at me to find the ammo,so he could shoot me dead.To make the long story short,I managed,along with his best friend,to get him calmed down enough to get him up to the hospital. Nothing like staring down the barrel of a rifle at your head,held by one's brother. Pepp, thanks for putting this post up,as a lot of people would not recognize the symptoms. It is well worth the time to learn about this disease if for no other reason than to be able to help someone out who may have loved one,or a friend's family member dealing with this very difficult disease. Ron and yourself have been through an awful lot,keep your strength up,and spirits high.We are here for ya!
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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 11:13 AM Bobbie writes:

God bless and Keep you both

in your struggle to deal with this nearly unbearable situation. I know that suicide of a loved one is a grief of a different quality altogether in that it was a death of choice and preceeded by untold suffering. I'm sure you re-live daily the misery that your dear son dealt with. There's no cliche' or "words" that will lessen your grief; it's a day by day process and holding onto God's hand and looking behind you for that sole set of footprints in the sand; it's the only thing that, in my opinion, will eventually get you through this. God be wth you and Cos in all this Pat and keep his loving arm around you. Remembering you every day. Love ya........Bobbie
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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 12:25 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Lucie, QOE

I know you would love for me to have no more emotional pain. I would like to have it dumped squarely on the people responsible for pushing Jeff over the edge myself.

And thank you for your very kind words about me. I'm blessed to have you as such a wonderful and good friend.
What more could I ask for?

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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 12:27 PM Peppermint2 writes:

davecat

No biggie. I relive it every day so far. It just hangs in there for a long time from everyone I know who has gone through this.

Writing about it is hard though as I let out all this pain and agony in public no less.

Thanks for coming by.
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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 12:39 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Clyde

Thanks for telling your story too. I'm so sorry about your brother. Yeah, the alcohol and drugs don't help, but so many of them try to cover up or try to take away the emotional pain they are in.

Lithium did not work so well for Jeff as it did for your brother. I know of others who do well on lithium, but the side effects are awful. Jeff had the tremors really bad being on it and got really sick at first. But the tremors continued.

So I see that your brother had a lot of mania? The gun episode? Sounds really scary. Jeff suffered more on the depressive side and his mania part were more hypomania where he would just keep doing things, chores, hobbies, etc., going nonstop, that was in his later years. In his late teen years he did a lot of dangerous driving and other stuff like that. I can't recall how many cars he crashed.

I'm glad you think it's worthwhile to put an article up like this so maybe someone else can be helped. That is one reason I wanted to do this. Otherwise I wouldn't go through the agony of writing this. I always feel like if one person is helped it is worth it.

Thanks for everything. You've been a real good friend during this situation for Ron and me.

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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 12:48 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Bobbie

Thanks for everything being the dear person that you are.

Yes, it gets relived everyday unfortunately since it was a suicide. Questions roll around in my head constantly. It's hard to stop them sometimes.

But, I'm relying on my faith to get me through this and all the help TH people have been is boundless and never can I say enough for what people have done for us in the way of their constant prayers and checking on us.

I do think about that sometimes having God's arms around me, holding me and comforting me. How else could I survive this? At least now I think I can get through it, as in the first month I did not know if I could keep going on with such unbearable agony. But, I think I'm getting stronger by the day. It may be a step forward and two backwards but someday I might feel some joy again, at least I hope so.
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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 12:50 PM Nee writes:

Pepp Gal

I cried at the very end of your post.
The worst part about having someone in your family with bi-polar disease is the "not knowing".

My SIL is still trying to recover from the last episode and the worst part of that is the police were involved. She didn't do anything unlawful, but when the cops called Dad, he told them to hold her there because she was a danger to herself. They didn't listen, Dad flew there and then couldn't get on to her Apt. For a whole day we didn't know what to expect.

Finally, Dad got the Super to let him in. He spent the next week sleeping in front of her door because in her high manic state, she was gonna go on "vacation"! She had gone off her meds because she was hiring for a permanent position that required a security clearance and she could be honest about not being on drugs.

Stigmas make me angry as hell, too.

Your writing shows me that remnants of "you" will soon be appearing in bigger parts, maybe not whole, but maybe "we" can help you get to the new "whole".
Much love and friendship, Nee
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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 1:11 PM bryce1 writes:

Hey there Pep and Gos

First of all, I heard that you lost your power in the ice storm, I hope your re-emergence means that you've got it back on, or at least you are someplace warm with electricity.

On your post, what can I say? Talk about hitting one out of the park, my dear you broke windshields in the parking lot!!!

So much truth here. I was particularly struck by your comments on Jeff's shame. As anyone who has dealt with mental illness...their own or someone else's...is well aware, shame is as much a factor as the actual physical imbalances.

And the true shame of the shame is that this is universal. Just look at how many people in the tiny community of TH readers have related their own tales of dealing with mental illness. And yet, the shame still weighs like a lodestone.

Well Pep, you are doing much more than you will ever know by writing so honestly about your son, and about your own struggles as well.

This post made my day. And yes, it even made me a bit misty eyed.
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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 1:21 PM bryce1 writes:

Pep

I just read your response to my posts on your earlier column. Wow! All the sentiments I just expressed about your honesty and courage...triple 'em!
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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 2:27 PM Garnet92 writes:

Pepp, I didn’t know of your loss

Until your e-mail alert on Bobbie’s TH contact list. I don’t know how I missed it, but I did. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t have joined the many others who tried to share a small part of your grief.

I don’t “know” you as well as many others who’ve paid their respects here, but it is apparent that you are held in high regard, indeed “loved” by many TH folks, and I know that that alone must be a source of comfort to you.

I’ve tried to imagine how losing a son or daughter must be for a parent. My Aunt lost three grown children (my first cousins) over a year-long period in the past year – all separate – not one event. Three times she had to bury a child. During that period, I tried to imagine what losing one of my own would be like, but it is too hurtful to dwell on – even in thought.

Parents are supposed to grow old and finally, at a ripe old age, be buried by their children. Parents aren’t supposed to bury a child – that’s not the way it’s supposed to be – it doesn’t follow the script.

But it happens.

Please know that even those of us who don’t know you as well still share your grief and will do the only thing that we can do – pray for you and for Jeff.
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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 3:00 PM Purplegimp writes:

St Gracie,

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 3:57 PM Conservabear writes:

Pepp

I am praying for you and your family.

I feel blessed you have shared with us. We don't have kids but I have always felt the need to help the little ones in some way. What I can tell you is this: I know perhaps somewhat of what your son experienced. You see a couple of months ago I had to have a psychological evaluation to determine if I was able to begin a work routine at least part-time. I have been out on SSD for 5+ years for various physical and mental conditions. I requested to see the report and found the following: I knew I had Major Depressive Disorder, Severe Anxiety, PTSD but now added to the list was R/O BiPolar Disorder and Personality Disorder. You can't imagine how I felt. I asked God why, how can you possibly love such an imperfect being. But one thing I know for sure. With the Grace of God who has delivered me from many a scary place. I know that someday, perhaps not in this life. I will be whole. I pray I have not upset you. But because of your post, I don't feel so alone in the world. I feel there are actually people who understand and won't label me. God Bless You.
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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 9:52 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Nee

Thanks so much for coming by and reading. I know that you have someone as you related to me in your family with bi-polar disease. I'm so sorry to hear of her latest episode. Gawd, this disease is just awful what it does to people. And, here the poor woman went off her meds to get a job. See, that just isn't right. She should be able to get a job while taking her meds. So there goes the stigma again.

I cried to at the end of my post and in the middle and the beginning. But, I just cry a lot lately.

You're right about the "not knowing" part. The disease is sneaky and tricky and hard to tell even by one's psychiatrist where a patient is with their disease. I talked to Jeff's shrink after he died and he had no idea whatsoever that Jeff was planning his suicide. He thought Jeff was doing better than ever as he told me and that's what it looked like to us too. Jeff seemed rational and level headed. He was down visiting us several times during those last 3 mos and all seemed fine with him except for his marital problems which he was sure they could work through.

Thank goodness your Dad was able to stay in the apartment with her and keep her from going off somewhere. That is such a problem too keeping them on their meds. They start to feel good and go off of them. In your SIL's case she simply wanted a job.

One of these days Nee, I'll be whole again. Never the same person I once was, something different because this has changed my life so dramatically. But, I'll get back on my feet. You know Nee, we are women, we are strong".

Love to you too.

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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 10:09 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Hi Bryce

Been watching for ya to come back. I've been enjoying our conversations.
Yes, we lost power for 3 days and that was about as much as I could stand. It got so cold in here. But, there are others less fortunate who will be out much longer. The Army National Guard all have been called up to help clear debris and get people out.

Thanks for the compliment on my post. Yes, there is a lot of truth here and some of it makes me really angry, like the shame part. This should not be in this day and age when we are supposed to be so progressed in our thinking of mental diseases. I hate it that people still have to hide it, feel shame over it, or get made fun over it. That is so wrong.

I know shame is still weighing on people like you say and what a kick in the teeth that is. Here you have someone struggling so hard with their brain disease whatever it may be, and then they have to deal with shame on top of it. It's so unfair and puts an even bigger load on that person. I hate that. It's so medieval. You would think we would have come further than the dark ages for bloody sake.

Yes, there are many people on TH dealing with brain diseases and you're right, shame still hangs in there like a dark cloud. There has got to be more understanding of these diseases and tolerance and compassion.

I hope I'm helping even just a tad bit to enlighten this subject. It needs to come out of the closet. Thanks for the compliment.

Aw, I made you misty eyed too. Well, I guess that shows that honesty and truth can move people and maybe some others who have not gone through what you and I and some others have, can get a better understanding of the struggles and hardships of dealing with all of these crosses we get sent. Life is not easy for all of us. Some of us get sent more to deal with than others and I guess there's a reason for it. Building character?? That I don't have the answer to. I sure wish I did.




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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 10:21 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Bryce

Yes, I got the msg that you had left a comment on the first article about Jeff in response to your posts which were so filled with honesty and what a story about your mother. What a wonderfully talented woman she was and then to be hit with brain disease.

This is what I mean about shame. Like your mother or you or anyone in your family should not have to feel any shame whatsoever over something like this. It is a chemical problem in the brain, just like any other organ can go awry so can the brain.

I refuse to buy into shame anymore. I walked around with it for years because of what someone else did to me as a child. With all my hard work I no longer carry that burden and will not ever again. This is what I tried so hard to tell Jeff, but he could not accept it. Told me he didn't know how I had done all the work I had done and gotten through it all. He knew everything as I told him when he was old enough to know.

Unfortunately his own father placed shame on him and refused to believe he had bi-polar disease. This hurt Jeff exponentially in so many ways. Here he is struggling like hell and his own father heaps shame on top of him. Needless to say I have no forgiveness in my heart for what his father did to him as yet. If I ever do.

Thanks once again for the compliments Bryce and keep coming back and joining in the convo here. You've been a gem.
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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 10:27 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Uh Bryce

After that last post I made to you I thought I had better make it clear that Gos/Ron is NOT Jeff's father. So there is no confusion here. I divorced that psycho years ago.
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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 10:31 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Lucie

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I am going to consider that in response to something I forwarded to you today. Am I correct?
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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 11:13 PM bryce1 writes:

Pep

I have to say you're a better man than I am...LoL! While I no longer feel a sense of shame over my depression, there is definitely a sort of moral hazard involved. No matter how much I tell myself that's it's a disease, when I go through depressive cycles I can't help feeling that not being able to pick myself up by my bootstraps is somehow a moral failing on my part.

No doubt a big part of it is the culture at large which tells us that if you aren't always on the go, moving forward, being active, that you're basically a lazy bum. And this of course just feeds the cycle because I begin to feel lousy about feeling lousy. It's like the old shampoo commercial with the multiplying images...and so on...and so on...and so on...

A question for you. You've said that Jeff was bi-polar, is yours clinical or bi-polar depression? If it's clinical, do you beat up on yourself this way? Also if it's clinical do you mind my asking about your meds? I haven't taken any in 10 years because the only combination that was effective gave me side effects that were ultimately untenable.

ps...Just to be clear, thankfully my depressions are no longer totally debilitating like they once were, but they still land me in a very passive state that I have to fight against.
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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 11:18 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Conservabear

Thanks for your prayers and it looks like you are in need of some yourself. I will include you in my nightly prayers.

"You can't imagine how I felt. I asked God why, how can you possibly love such an imperfect being."

First let me say this Conservabear, God loves you more because of all your disorders. He loves the best and the least of us. And some of the best of us have brain disorders or diseases.

You are a fine person and every time you have responded to one of my posts here you have been an inspiration with all the beautiful prayers and comments you make. Don't you ever think you are "imperfect". I won't have it. You hear me. I'm the Princess of Evility training under the Queen of Evility, Lucie (Purplegimp) and she won't have it either. That is one of our rules.

I'm glad I shared this then if you feel blessed by it and you are not alone out there. Just remember that. There are lots of us with disorders. I have some of the same you mentioned, severe PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, and Severe clinical depression that I have to stay on meds for the rest of my life or I cannot function at all.

So don't feel bad, ashamed, or alone. And yes I can imagine how you felt. It's a shock at first to learn these things, but that shock goes away and you just get on whatever medications and therapy you need to do and you'll get past that. Believe me, I've been there.

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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 11:20 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Conservabear continued

You have not upset me in the least. I've been through too much myself to be upset about almost anything someone tells me. I may feel sorrow and empathy for you because I know what a battle you are facing, but that battle can be won. I hate to hear you have bi-polar on top of it.

"We don't have kids but I have always felt the need to help the little ones in some way."

Just read over that statement and realize what a wonderful person you are caring for children so much. That says a lot about your character. You have great character and integrity. You care about children even with all you have to face yourself. Don't you see how wonderful that is?

No I would never label you. You can count on that. And God bless you too.
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Sunday, February, 01, 2009 11:49 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Bryce

Ha, ha. A better man than you. Hey, I am woman I am strong. LOL!

I know exactly what you are saying about the depression. I sometimes feel like that too because so many people don't understand depression is an illness and cannot be helped by "pulling up one's bootstraps". That makes me crazy when someone says that. There is so much misinformation about depression and those who feel that way have never suffered a day in their lives with it no doubt so don't get it.

Yes the culture at large particularly ours is so "active", always have to be busy or doing something. It really is crazy in itself that people feel that kind of pressure. No wonder so many people are sick all the time.

My depression is clinical and no I don't beat up on myself a lot. I do sometimes because I get impatient at feeling so depressed. Even on medications I still can go under and then my doc raises them.

Well I've been taking Effexor now for about 10 years. I was on other stuff before that. The Effexor seems to work pretty good for me, but when there is extra struggles going on like now my doc has to raise the dosage to keep my head above water. I also take clonopin for my anxiety and a drug called trileptal which is actually for brain seizures but my shrink found it helps to stabilize me. I myself have a very low grade form of bi-polar which my doc calls hypomania so I never really go into all the horrible things that Jeff suffered with.

My doc also gives me meds for sleep because I am unable to sleep at night without something. That will always be with me my shrink told me because of hypervigilance of someone coming into my room at night when I was a kid. It's just one of those scars that will never go away.

I'm glad your depressions are no longer debilitating. That's really good.
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Monday, February, 02, 2009 1:34 AM Purplegimp writes:

St Gracie,

Nope. That was in response to the comment you left to my comment. I'll say it again, then go answer the mail.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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Monday, February, 02, 2009 1:41 AM Peppermint2 writes:

Garnet92

That's OK, we don't expect everyone to respond or notice our alerts. But it is very nice of you to come over now and give us your regards. Thanks so much for that. We don't know one another that's true like some others. But, I'm sure we'll get to know one another better as time goes by.

The TH folks who have given us comfort and support have indeed been a tremendous source of help to us. I cannot say enough for all the good people who have come by with their prayers and thoughts.

I feel so bad for your Aunt having to bury 3 children in one year. How truly awful that must have been.

No one does not want to dwell on losing one's child. It is indeed the worst thing to happen to a parent.

That's right, one is supposed to go before one's children. It seems so out of order, but like you said it does happen with great sorrow.

Thanks, Garnet, for sharing our grief and your prayers. All the prayers have helped tremendously getting through this and without all the TH folks I really don't know how we would have. We have so little family left and TH folks have become our family.


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Monday, February, 02, 2009 1:44 AM Peppermint2 writes:

Lucie

Oh I see, I forgot and said something nice about you again. I don't seem to learn my lessons very well do I?

OK, Miss QOE, meanest, baddest woman on the face of the earth. Is that better now?
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Monday, February, 02, 2009 4:58 AM Purplegimp writes:

St Gracie,

You are learning. I worked too hard building up my reputation to let anyone sully it by saying stuff like that about me.
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Monday, February, 02, 2009 10:30 AM Conservabear writes:

Pepp

Thank You for your words of encouragement. It appears that as Iron Sharpens Iron, We Diamonds in the rough, though we are now, are constantly being shaped by one another. It is a blessing that in this large chaotic world we have found like-minded folks who can love and serve one another as Jesus has commanded. This website is no accident because God can and does use whatever technology man may devise to reach His people and those yet to know Him to be His People. One day we will all meet each other face to face whether in this world, or in the next, in that blessed day, though not having met we will indeed know each other. Go with God my sister and do not despair, rekindle your flame of hope, faith and love daily in God's Holy Word, through fellowship with the brethern, and in prayer and at times fasting. Give Purple Gimp a howdy from me as well. I will be praying.
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Monday, February, 02, 2009 10:35 AM Mrs. AL (Always Learning) writes:

Pepper2

What a testimony to your strength. Your posts concerning your son's death are not only poignant, but you take the time to educate the rest of us as well.

Prayers will continue and take care.
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Monday, February, 02, 2009 4:28 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Lucie, QOE

Please, please, I beg of you to forgive me for sullying your reputation saying something nice about you when I know your are the Queen of Evility and meaner than a snake on a muzzie's head. I hope I have made my amends properly and am back on your "bad" side.
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Monday, February, 02, 2009 4:32 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Conservabear

No matter who we are or what we've got we are all diamonds in the rough to some degree. Perhaps not someone like Hitler who was certainly evil. But the rest of us folks out here are just going from day to day doing the best we can.

I'm doing as well as i can for now. That's all I can do right now.

You do what you need to do too and we will all make it through. There are so many people who are good and caring people here on TH. That is definitely a blessing.
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Monday, February, 02, 2009 4:35 PM Peppermint2 writes:

AL (Mrs. Always Learning)

Thanks for coming by with your regards. Yes, I am trying to educate in honor of my son. If it can help save someone, just one other person, this agony of writing this would be worth it.

Thanks for your prayers too.
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Monday, February, 02, 2009 4:47 PM willibeaux writes:

Hey Pepp! Thanks

again for sharing the intimate details of Bi-polar's
debilitating destruction.
I'm sure it took a lot of effort and courage for you to put this together.
I believe that most Americans have no idea what it's like to have a love one afflicted with this terrible disease.
Remember! Keep looking up. He will never forsake you.
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Monday, February, 02, 2009 11:38 PM Peppermint2 writes:

willibeaux

You're welcome if that is the right thing to say.

Yeah, it did take a lot of emotional effort to put this down.

You're right I don't think a lot of people know much about bi-polar unless they either experience it themselves or have a family member or friend who has it and what heartache is involved.

Thanks as usual for coming by and commenting. And for all the things you do Willibeaux.
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Tuesday, February, 03, 2009 11:39 AM xpressit writes:

Pepp

Thanks for the outstanding post. It is definitely a tribute to your son, Jeff. I'm just certain he would have liked that. I was not familiar with the nuances. What can I say? I was thinking that often what we know about a disease is hearing about some celebrity with it.(that can be good and bad) Sure they put a face on it and add publicity to it. But I think we then attach the disease to them and they become a symbol for it, sot of the persona of it. I kind of hate that generally. Not to get off the trail, I admire the information you dug out here and people will be the better for it. It takes a special person (and talent) to be able to deal with this in the way you have. Prayers continue. It sounds like Jeff, too, was concerned in helping others. You have done something here to benefit others for sure.
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Tuesday, February, 03, 2009 2:47 PM The Crawfish writes:

Gracie

Just checkin' in to make sure you and Gos haven't turned into popsicles. I've been seeing Glo-Bull Warming coming down all day outside my window at the office. The temps had been up enough so that it was all melting, but it has now started sticking to the cars again. We'll have a nice skating rink for a neighborhood by tomorrow morning.
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Tuesday, February, 03, 2009 3:47 PM xpressit writes:

Pepp & PG

PS: I only stopped for a minute since I see that "queen of evil" graced you with her sinister presence. I don't care what others say about PG, Leona Helmsley has nothing on her.
But she'd probably make a good undersecretary for Bibi despite that. It would take more than a few here to sully that reputation.
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Tuesday, February, 03, 2009 6:08 PM Peppermint2 writes:

xpressit

Thank you for coming by and reading it. I don't suppose this type of piece is something everyone would want to read, but I'm pleased that there have been as many as there have been.

Yes, it is a tribute to my son. And the celebrity types of things you generally see are so blown up and out of proportion. Sometimes these celebrities have a very severe case of bi-polar and it makes it seem like someone with this disease cannot behave in a normal manner when that is so far from the truth.

I hope it has benefited some others. This is not easy stuff to write about one's own family member and it ending in suicide. It really hurts a lot to write about it.
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Tuesday, February, 03, 2009 6:20 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Craw Dahlun

Indeed Gos and I have turned into Popsicles believe it or not. I mean I know the Goreacle tells us it's warming up on this here earth, but we ain't seeing it. He really needs to get out more and come by for a tour of KY. Icicles and Popsicles everywhere.

But, he's got that big old mansion of his probably as hot as OZebra Man keeps the Oval Office I'm hearing hot enough to grow orchids. Gee, I thought it was warm in DC. It must be pretty cold up there too.

We already have a fine skating rink right outside our doorway. Just slip and slide down to your car, then get on the road and slip and slide on there too.

Really the dumbocraps, BO, Gorebore all need to come down and soak their heads in our icy, snowy mess and get themselves a brain.

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Tuesday, February, 03, 2009 6:32 PM Peppermint2 writes:

xpressit

I don't know why the Queen gets so upset if I say something nice about her. Who would believe me anyway?
Everyone knows she's evil as Satan himself and can cast a wicked spell on just about everyone. She already has put a spell on Nasrallah so bad he won't come out of his bunker.

The only thing Leona Helmsley has on QOE is she has shoes and the QOE has slippers. Not much difference there, but the Gimp is much, much more evil than Leona.

If we put Bibi and the Gimp together we can expect this world to change in a real BIG way. Both of them hard as rocks. No one would dare and come near either of them. Iran would fizzle into a batch of limp noodles and we'd have no more trouble from Hizzies or Muzzies. That's the ticket, the winning one.
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Tuesday, February, 03, 2009 7:36 PM Gunny "knuckles" G© writes:

Pepp

We're thinking of you and yours. God Bless you all.
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Tuesday, February, 03, 2009 7:46 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Gunny

Thanks. I appreciate that.
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Wednesday, February, 04, 2009 1:20 AM Purplegimp writes:

Gracie and Xressit

That is ever so much better! Have no fear. Bibi knows where to find me. His very first headquarters in the north was in my motorcycle garage. When he wins the election next week and Avigdor Lieberman's party comes in a strong second, between the three of us, things will start to change.
Helmsley didn't have a wheelbroom did she? She was a sentimental softy next to me.
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Wednesday, February, 04, 2009 1:50 AM Peppermint2 writes:

Lucie

I'm so glad we have that little matter settled and I am back in your bad graces once again. Never again will I say anything nice about the big, bad gimp and her wheelbroom. No, Leona does not have one of those.

Next week is the election? Whoohoo. I sure hope Bibi wins and changes things. Wow. You might be on this list for a cabinet member.
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Wednesday, February, 04, 2009 11:31 AM xpressit writes:

Pepp

It surely has to be tough, and you faced it head on under extraordinary circumstances. I know it helps to write though it is ever so painful. When I do it seems to come out as gobbledy-gook. So it sure is not writing as much as “what”.
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Wednesday, February, 04, 2009 11:33 AM xpressit writes:

PG

"That is ever so much better! Have no fear."

I was afeared you’d take that as a compliment. I meant to say 'the real “queen of mean”' to sound more polite. I think Bibi has you on speed-dial for just the right time.
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Wednesday, February, 04, 2009 3:03 PM MSagacious writes:

WOW... What words are right?

My mother and 2 brothers all suffer from this... My mother was 60 before she started seeking help, my older brother is also gone too young (at 33), as is your son... I fear my younger brother may live too short as well... thank you for your story.
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Wednesday, February, 04, 2009 4:01 PM Peppermint2 writes:

xpressit

Thanks for the compliment. I like to face things head on. It seems to work better for me that way. I don't like to have things hanging over me for a long, long time. Although I know Jeff's death will be with me forever and I'll never completely heal from this, I have been told in time, the pain lessens, never really goes away, as I'm sure you know quite well, but it diminishes.

Right now it's still very fresh only 2 months. But, I've gotten a lot of help to get through these first 2 months from you guys here at TH and friends, and Ron of course.
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Wednesday, February, 04, 2009 4:26 PM Peppermint2 writes:

MSagacious

Welcome to my blog. I believe this is the first time I've seen you here and I'm happy you came by.

I'm so sorry for you and your family with 3 suffering with bi-polar. And I see you already lost one brother.

This is just one horrible disease to live with and I send you my empathy.
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Thursday, February, 05, 2009 5:54 AM Purplegimp writes:

Xpressit

I'm sure someone has me on speed dial. Only a few more days to go and I am having a great time watching the evening news to see Livni and Barak in a paranoid panic over Lieberman (ours, not yours) climb up in the polls. He'll keep Barak out of the cabinet. The 'slave' (Labor) Party has already said there's no way they'll join a coalition with Lieberman. Not that I trust them to keep their word and Barak hasn't said a thing about it. Bibi will have a solid wing block in his government. I love it.!
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Friday, February, 06, 2009 12:59 PM bryce1 writes:

Pep thought you get a chuckle from this

I had a bunch of old furniture that I had the Goodwill pick up the other. I finally got around to packing up my Dad's golf shoes and put them in the mix. He had a bit of a fetish for golf shoes, there must have been 20 pairs, at least half a dozen unworn and still in their original boxes.

Anyway, when the pickup guy got around to the shoes, he literally said..."Wow, this is like 'Sex in the City' for guys!"
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Saturday, February, 07, 2009 9:27 AM Peppermint2 writes:

Bryce

Thanks for the laugh today. I did get a chuckle out of that one.

All those nice golf shoes I guess are like Sex in the city for men. They played up shoes so much in that show, such expensive shoes too. I don't know how anyone could ever afford such things.

How you doing these days?

I had a doctor's appointment in Cinti on Thurs and then met up with some close friends of mine who are like family to me, actually better than family. We went over there to dinner and I found myself having a great time. I was worried about it since I have been nowhere since Jeff's death, but seeing them and being with them, such loving and caring people, I ended up having a very good time and for the first time in months I even forgot for a little while my grief. It really was a nice event.
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Sunday, February, 08, 2009 1:07 AM American Sweetheart writes:

Pepp and Gos

I am so proud that you have found the strength to continue writing this piece in Jeff's memory. I hope that your words and experience are able to save another person the same heartache that you feel.

You are still and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, as will your entire family.

I'm sorry it took me so long to come by. Things have been crazy lately. I will shoot you an email tomorrow to check in and see how you are!

*hugs*
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Monday, February, 09, 2009 6:51 PM The Crawfish writes:

Pepp

just checkin in from my sick bed. Hope you're feelin' better than me today!
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Tuesday, February, 10, 2009 5:09 PM bryce1 writes:

Hi Pep and Gos

Just wanted to drop a note and say hi. I'm so glad to hear you got out the other night, even more so to hear that it lifted your spirtis somewhat. As you are no doubt well aware, at times like these just getting out at all can seem like a Herculean task, but it almost invariably turns out to be a real tonic.

Doing well here. We had an absolutely gorgeous day here in MI. Temps were near 60 degrees. I opened my windows for the first time in months, and it was great having the fresh air flowing. Even my cat, who as I mentioned, is usually sedantly to the point of being comatose only napped about 6 hours so far today.

I'll bet the critters in your neck of the woods went crazy, hopefully giving you some incentive to provide us with one of your wonderful photo essays sometime soon.

Anyway, take care kiddo.
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Tuesday, February, 10, 2009 5:25 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Bryce

Yes, we did have a visit with some good friends after my shrink appointment and had a very lovely time. They are like family to me. It did feel good to get out, but like you said it seems a humongous task to do so. We also took a walk on the property yesterday and found lots of deer tracks and others. Perhaps, one day I'll put up another photo essay.

I did also hear the coyotes for the first time in awhile the other night so I imagine they were enjoying the warm weather too. I should put up a photo essay of the ice storm. Now that would not be funny though.

So is MI for Mississippi or Michigan? I'm sorry but my mind still does not work properly.

We went up to 67 yesterday and it was so nice we took the clowns, our dogs and the cat out for a walk. Believe it or not the cat wants to walk with us too. It's very funny.

I'm glad you are doing well and your comatose cat came alive for awhile. LOL! How old is your cat? Our cat was a stray that showed up, a kitten and softy Ron had to take him in. He's getting big though now.

You gave me an idea though. I could put up a photo essay of the swallows who nested in our light fixture on the back porch. That could be of some interest. We enjoyed watching them grow from babies to their first flying lessons.

I'll bet the critters in your neck of the woods went crazy, hopefully giving you some incentive to provide us with one of your wonderful photo essays sometime soon.

You take care too and thanks for stopping in to say hello.
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Tuesday, February, 10, 2009 10:31 PM bryce1 writes:

Hey Pep

I'm in Michigan. And the cat is an old gal of around 12 or so. Actually, I've only had her for a couple of years, inherited her from a dear friend who died in a fall from his apartment balcony in Miami.

I can tell you though, even when she was a kitten, this was one of the laziest animals I've ever seen...LoL!

She's a sweetheart though. Funny you mention deer. The other night I had four of them dash across the highway in front of my car, nearly hit one of them. That's actually been a major problem here as their habitat gets increasingly narrowed. A couple of years ago I actually saw one walking down the middle of the street in my sub-division like it was taking its' evening constitutional!

Anyway, good to hear from you.
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Tuesday, February, 10, 2009 10:39 PM Peppermint2 writes:

Bryce

Oh yeah, my cat Tosca, got real lazy when she was 12 years old, then had a stroke at 13. Too sad. I miss her even now. Had to put her down of course. Very hard thing to do.

Oh, OK, Michigan. I love the UP part of Michigan. It's so beautiful up there. Have you been up there ever?

Oh yeah, so many states are getting overrun with deer. When I lived in Ohio we had them in our back yards all the time. That's funny about one taking a walk down the street.

We once had a big buck in our yard at mating season putting on a show. Now that was funny to watch.

I-275 that circle Cinti has dead deer all over the place from them being hit. Yuck. Bloody messes everywhere. The people around here kill them all the time for food. But I'm sure there are still tons of them.
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Friday, February, 13, 2009 2:34 AM Sue writes:

Pepperhawk

Sorry it took so long to get back here. Very good post!

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
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Friday, February, 13, 2009 2:58 AM Peppermint2 writes:

Sue

Thanks.
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Friday, February, 13, 2009 3:26 AM Sue writes:

peppermint2

As painful as this was for you to write, I thank for the information on bi-polar disease. My sister's friend had it and no real medication worked for her. Actually she thought she could out smart the disease. And she could not. She has been hospitalized for many months now.

I do not have any children, so I can not imagine how hard it is to lose one. I am sure it is the worst feeling ever.

With the two posts that you wrote, your son sounds like he was a great guy.

Thank you for sharing. And again, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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Friday, February, 13, 2009 3:49 AM Peppermint2 writes:

Sue

Yes, it was difficult to write about this but i wanted to give people more information regarding the disease and the destruction it causes to the person who has it and those around them. Mostly I wanted people to know how much suffering is involved in having this disease which you know from your friend.

Many times no medications work which turned out to be the case for my son.

Thanks for your concern. Yes it is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. It's indescribable in its' pain.
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Thursday, March, 12, 2009 3:09 PM The Crawfish writes:

GRACIE!!!!!!!

You okay in there??? Haven't heard from ya in a while.

Every month, there is a topic that every command in the Navy has to have training on. I was the one to give the training for our command this month, but didn't get proper time to prepare as I found out the afternoon before our training evolution. The Navy lesson guide for this topic was about 45 pages long and the powerpoint was about 35 slides long. I digressed often from the lesson guide to put my own spin and experiences into the training, and was complimented on it by a lot of folks for being so energetic on the topic and making the training real, pertinent, and meaningful.

I just wish some of your son's friends and neighbors could have gotten this training last year, since the topic was suicide awareness. I was thinking 'bout you.
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Thursday, April, 30, 2009 6:21 PM Dash42 writes:

Pat/Ron

My heartfelt condolences on the loss of a beloved treasure.

May God Bless you, Ron and your families in this time of need. I realize my condolences are 4/5 months behind the curve, but the sense of loss never goes away does it.

As to Bi-polar: I know from experience that the family members of those who suffer from this often have it as hard (in some specific respects) as those who suffer from it. We never know when the cycle will begin again, nor what may trigger a swing. Stipulated, those who suffer don't know it either and that is incredibly hard. For those of us on the outside, it can be terrifyingly frustrating.

Again, may God continue to Bless You, Ron, and your families.

Dash
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Friday, May, 01, 2009 2:45 AM Peppermint2 writes:

Dash

Thanks for your condolences. We're hanging in there. It's been 5 months but this is a long, tough road for us. We are not on the blogs too much lately. I have not felt up to much at all since Jeff died. So it's really been rough here. But we're taking day by day.

And yes, bi-polar is an insidious brain disease effecting all. But, I want my son back anyway, but know that is over now. This has been the worst thing for me as he was my only child.
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Friday, May, 01, 2009 2:30 PM Dash42 writes:

Pepp

Pepp,

I'm certain you do want him back; I know if I were to lose one of mine I would as well. It's bad enough at times with them living in another state with an individual who thinks I'm a marginally useful paycheck (among her better comments). I can not possibly imagine your level of grief, but share the sense of loss as do all of us who know you at any level.

I won't insult you with the trite: 'he's not gone as long as we remember him,' bit (although it IS true, and may offer some comfort). I'm sure you've heard it enough anyway :)

Write when you can, your insights are always most welcome.

May God continue to Bless and Keep you, Ron, and your Family

Dash
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Tuesday, June, 30, 2009 1:20 AM str8_talk writes:

Pepp

I read this story over the weekend and wanted to comment. I know there are many types of bipolar; I've done some research on this condition.

My ex-husband is bipolar and he is the angry-type and threatened suicide on several occasions. It was the after-effects of my divorce which took me away from TH this last year due to stress. He fits way more than the requisite number of symptoms and the counselor failed to see it. I had reported her to the state board over another situation and the man at the board in only 10 minutes of conversation asked me "Is your ex bipolar by any chance?"

I said "Thank you! I have been trying to tell the counselor this for over 4 years and it falls on deaf ears. You picked it up right away and I didn't even mention the word." He said "He needs to quit anti-depressants and get on some proper med and quit drinking." (He is also an alcoholic.) He never admitted he had a problem with either. The last straw was when he hit me in one of his rages & I had a bruise for 10 weeks.

I lived through 6 years of monthly rages out of an 8.5 year relationship, which became more frequent. At the end they were as often as every week and sometimes every day. My life has certainly been more peaceful, but getting away from him wasn't easy. All the stress led to health issues for me but I'm much better!

I'm glad that your son Jeff was not that type of bipolar, but none of it’s easy. Facing it is the hardest part and accepting yourself. Nobody's perfect and I wish there wasn't such a stigma attached. I know you miss Jeff, but I'm glad that you have Good Memories! Thank you for sharing there is healing in telling your story and I pray that God blesses you and Ron and continues to heal your aching heart!
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Tuesday, June, 30, 2009 9:57 AM str8_talk writes:

Pepp

I also wanted to tell you another reason I know about bipolar is that I have a brother who has this disease. I feel sorry for my ex and my brother, because my brother is brilliantly smart and I've seen him deteriorate over the years, he's become very reclusive. He won't stay on meds because he gets that false sense that he's okay and will stop taking them and everything goes wrong. He started on lithium, but he's on something else now.

I kept staying with my ex because the first 2.5 years, he didn't show any signs of anger towards me and I thought he could get help. I later found out his sister was the brunt of his outbursts during that time and when they cut ties I became his target. I don't wish him any harm, I only wish he would get help. He is very gifted with electrical or landscaping, but he cannot have co-workers.

From your story, it sounds like Jeff was a wonderful man! What a tragic loss to lose one so young. My heart goes out to you, we are not supposed to lose our children! I have thought of you often over the months that I've been gone from TH.
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