Ralphie in the great Northwest

Ralphie! You have been brainwashed by your captors!

It's not your fault, you need to get home to Minnesota.

I know looking like Hugh Hewitt could make anyone susceptible to anything, but Ralphie, you're cute! And you need to go back to the land of Elders and Atomizers and Saints and Lilekses!

Whose hand is holding you up? I say we get some FBI analysis and find out.

Oh, and before your captors release you, I hope to get to see San Francisco.

Yes, it is full of interesting, uh, characters, but it's close to me!

Free Ralphie! Free Ralphie! Free Ralphie!

Chad, or should I say Fidel, how foolish do you think I am. Freedom? What do you know about freedom? You've used me to mock dear Mr. Hewitt, you've committed unspeakable experiments on me, leaving me as a mutant hybrid, part Ralphie, part Golden Gopher hockey player. How dare you talk about freedom? I've never had it so free. I'm seeing this great land of ours for the first time, and let me tell you something. Nobody I've met in America so far seems to like you much, Chad.

You'll never find me. What's that I see over there? Are those hula dancers?

Kim, thanks for warning me about San Francisco. I'll make sure I visit the city in disguise. I know there are Chad sympathizers like you all over the place, and I'm not about to let my guard down for a second. Chad may want you to believe I'm brainwashed, but that's just one of the many evil head games he's capable of playing. Freedom, once opened, cannot be put back. Chad can plot and scheme all he wants, but he'll never capture me alive! Never.

Oh, and by the way, keep sending water to Southern California where Hugh and Duane live. It is a desert, you know.

Ralphie, I'm only thinking of your welfare.

Peeps..I mean Chad and those cleverly witty Fraters guys why, they LOVE you!

Oh, and I'm sure Hugh and Duane are in no danger of turning into prunes down in Southern, CA.

It is so HARD to listen to Hugh with any sense of respect, knowing that he is responsible for your abduction. Oh maybe he didn't TAKE you. But what does he know and when did he know it?

Oh, he denies it. But tell me, who else would have had any motive to "free" you except for your doppleganger?

Hmmmmm??????

I know that's not the real you talking Ralphie or otherwise you would know the true story of how you came into being. It's so sad to see you in this state.

Don't worry though. Once we get you back home safe and secure, we'll have an extensive deprogramming session to free you from the grip of the evil cult that has transformed your personality and given you this new, false identity.

Hockey season starts soon Ralphie and we'll do our best to have you home before then. You have to understand though that we'll never negotiate with terrorists, especially the pathological sadists who have you in their clutches.

Courage Ralphie. Courage.