February 8, 2007

Helloooo Handsome!

Oy, these meshuggina bloggers. Boy did they make the past few news cycles fercockt. Made me look weak. They made me look ridiculous. And a man in my position can’t afford to look ridiculous!

Oh, dear Diary, even quoting the Godfather movies can’t lift my spirits. Because of the hissy-fit those bloggers threw, I had to keep those girls and their crazy chazerei on the campaign bus for the time being. I’ll bide my time, but I can’t fool you. You know it stings. These girls aren’t reflective of what’s in my heart. I’m respectful, the son of a humble mill-worker. We didn’t have enough money to afford shoes, but we had values. We feared God, and we respected other people who feared God. That’s why I’m going to toss these harpies under the campaign bus at an appropriate time and then run them over. And then I’ll back the bus up over them. Rinse, lather and repeat as they say.

Which reminds me, my hair is looking outstanding today. It’s the small pleasures that keep you going when you’ve dedicated your life to serving your country.

You might be wondering why all the Yiddish in this entry. It’s simple – because of all the Christians and Catholics these two gyno-warriors offended, I pretty much have to run the table on the Jews. I spent two hours this morning trying to master making that “ech” sound that the pious Hebrews excel at. I feel like I’ve gargled with turpentine. I know the Bible says they’re the Chosen People, but if God really gave a fig about them he wouldn’t make them run around making that hideous “ech” sound 100 times a day. I will tell you this – if those girls make any references to New York Money Men like Wes Clark did…well, I don’t know what I’ll do. Maybe I’ll fire them and unfire them again.

I don’t know why I let Elizabeth hire those girls. Elizabeth’s a fine woman, a handsome woman, a good wife. No man on earth has ever had a better wife. She is to me as Jacob’s wife was to him. (Her name escapes me at the moment.) She even reads those stupid blogs, something that I am obviously way too busy to do. She said I should hire that lovely young lady from Paragon. Sounded good to me. I’m busy reflecting on the Iraq war and my conflicting views on Iran – I don’t have time to read the angry rantings of navel-gazers. Elizabeth probably should have mentioned that the young woman from Paragon calls people who believe in Christ our Savior “godbags.” That would have been good to know.

Anyway, I can’t stay mad at Elizabeth for long. We have a photo-op at Wendy’s for dinner tonight, and then we’re coming home where Jacques is going to prepare his exquisite Osso Bucco for us to actually eat. We’ll have a nice bottle of Chatteaunuff de Pape and discuss why women and children can afford to be careless, not men. She doesn’t like it when I quote the Godfather, but in this case it’s apropos, no?

Also, the media hasn’t been fair. That alter cocker John McCain hired a blogger, too. I bet his guy also called religious people godbags. That’s what all bloggers do. And yet the media doesn’t care. About him, gornischt.

Anyway, Diary, I really don’t know what to do with these two gals. If they had any integrity and really cared about the campaign, they would fall on their swords. (If they wanted to think of it in less phallic imagery, I wouldn’t begrudge them that.) The campaign is all about me, not them. And it’s about America of course and bridging the gap between the two Americas. That crap’s important, too.

They’re not going anywhere, though. Neither is this narrishkeit. That means it’s time to cozy up to the Jews. Rabbi Heir will usually come out if you send a limo. Same goes for Abe Foxman.

Oy vez mear.

Goodnight handsome!

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