Top Scientists Confirm: Humans Suck

Cortney O'Brien

10/5/2013 12:00:00 PM - Cortney O'Brien

Did you know we humans are the "dominant cause" of everything wrong in the world? In a 36-page report, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change concluded people are the reason our planet has been “overheating.”

First the unnerving findings from the IPCC’s fifth assessment report (AR5):

"Our assessment of the science finds that the atmosphere and ocean have warmed, the amount of snow and ice has diminished, the global mean sea level has risen and that concentrations of greenhouse gases have increased," said Qin Dahe, co-chair of IPCC working group one.

Well, that doesn’t sound too good. So, who does the IPCC blame for the supposed rise in temperature? Yours truly.

Since 1950, the report's authors say, humanity is clearly responsible for more than half of the observed increase in temperatures.

[...] Human influence has been detected in warming of the atmosphere and the ocean, in changes in the global water cycle, in reductions in snow and ice, in global mean sea level rise, and in changes in some climate extremes. This evidence for human influence has grown since AR4. It is extremely likely that human influence has been the dominant cause of the observed warming since the mid-20th century."

The rising of earth’s temperature is an oft-repeated “fact” from the environmentalist crowd. I wonder, how will they explain that the Farmer’s Almanac, which is right 80 percent of the time, recently declared we should brace for a “bitterly cold winter” this year? Or, that ice sheets in the Arctic are expanding?

What’s more, I reject the UN panel’s demonization of its own race. Are we supposed to live in the dark? Are we to stop driving cars, grilling burgers, and taking hot showers? Somehow, I don’t think living in filth will help the environment.

It wasn't enough for the UN panel to criticize all humans, they specifically offended those of religious faith. One IPCC co-chair, for instance, referred to earth as our "only home," dismissing the possibility of there being a higher power.

In case it wasn’t clear from the report, we humans are no good. Even so, that’s not gonna stop me from reading with my night light on.