I Just Wanted to Include the Word "Obama" in this Superbowl Headline

I Just Wanted to Include the Word "Obama" in this Superbowl Headline

(Editor’s Note: Barack Obama will not make an appearance in this column.)

Dear Coach,

Now that the Superbowl is over, it’s not too late to begin thinking about “next” year.   

So, pursuant with the terms of my plea bargain agreement and by order of the court, “Number 81®” hereby submits this apology to you, to the patrons of Danny’s All Night Café and to the fine ladies of the Buddy’s Airport Lounge and Go-Go Barn (home of the $12.99 T-bone-lap-dance combo).

While the words have been crafted on the advice of Number 81®’s attorney, the...