You might be a conservative if...
You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two."
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"
You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.