Hey Patty PlanoBlue, you’d better stop attacking me or I’ll send my favorite cousin over your house and shave off the rest of your hair. She lives in Plano, too. Her sister lives in Waco and she’d help hold you down. We have another cousin near Dallas and she’d be upset with you too. I get down there from time to time and enjoy the area. Our grandparents were from Plano, got married there in 1913 according to courthouse records.

While they duct taped you in preparation for your haircut, they’d inform you that I’m a bit older than you, 59, saw everything you did back then, enlisted in ‘68 rather than serve 3 years in prison for burglary and assault, extensive foreign travel with a year in Vietnam, returning home and...

I don't know, Summers. She denies it. Don't you trust her?

Oh dear, we were having such a pleasant discussion about public education until Patty revealed the true source of her bitterness: looks and life status. How regrettable.

Patty, the reason you’ve been lashing out at us is that you hate yourself. Earlier tonight you informed me you were involved with a Vietnam veteran and had been coping with his issues since 1974. You are therefore old. You are angry which suggests you’ve cut your hair off and gained lots of weight so that you don’t appeal to men, whom you blame for all your problems. I’m guessing you’ve assumed the classic block shape of elderly women who’ve bounced from diet to diet. No doubt you’re on various prescription drugs which have bloated you and caused all sorts...