John Derbyshire, the author and columnist (and my confederate
at National Review Online), lets everything hang out, in this
season of mutual confidences exchanged. He struggles for a
category in which his devilments would naturally fall, but does
not succeed -- he just says that he is a "dilettante." He lists a
few dozen of his idiosyncrasies. They include: "Never passed one
year without consuming a tobacco product of some kind." "Never
seen a complete episode of 'The Simpsons,' or a complete
between-ad-breaks segment of 'Larry King Live,' or more than 15
seconds of 'American Idol.'" "Never set foot in Africa,
Australasia, Oceania, Central or South America." "Never responded
to any of William F. Buckley Jr.'s spoken opinions with: 'I'm
afraid you're totally out to lunch on this one, Bill.'"
He wisely illuminates his enterprise by recalling Dr.
Johnson's line, "Depend upon it that if a man talks of his
misfortunes, there is something in them that is not disagreeable
to him." As always, Johnson has the last word.
I end by acknowledging that the season is open to entirely
unexplained, let alone systematically examined, teasers. To
display my own: How about a national drive to buy a chair for
Wolf Blitzer when he appears on CNN?
Now, since we all know that CNN could come up with a chair for
Wolf using its own resources, what we are really complaining
about is something else. Look for the larger meaning, since there
has to be a larger meaning. Somebody said to the producer, or
else the producer said to somebody, "There is too affluent a feel
to CNN. We must inject it with something that suggests the
relevance of speed, the deliquescence of mere events, the
electricity we bring to the ... whole ... global scene!"
Pause. One after another, the company are beginning to nod
their heads. "We'll have Wolf standing when he makes his
commentary! That will confirm our psychological ...
qui-viveness--"
"Qui what?" Marjorie removed her glasses, looking up.
"Ya want that in Latin, Marjorie? What you need is a
cigarette."
But all of them had now made notes, and Wolf is chairless.