President Obama, despondent over his low poll numbers and the lack of trust many Americans have for him and his policies, did something drastic. He met with the psychic medium who once helped Hillary Clinton contact the spirit of Eleanor Roosevelt. With the medium's help, Obama summoned the only presence in America who could help him: Richard Milhous Nixon.
Obama: Hello? Mr. President, can you hear me?
Nixon (sitting on a cloud playing a harp): What do you want, you ninny!
Obama: I'm in big trouble, Dick. My approval rating has fallen steadily since I began my second term. I'm polling in the low 40s — only you polled worse than I am. That's why some are beginning to compare my presidency to yours.
Nixon: Good God. My legacy is worse than I thought!
Obama: Like your presidency, mine has been mired in scandal. There is the Benghazi flap, Fast and Furious, using the IRS to inhibit political enemies, my refusal to enforce laws I don't like and so much more.
Nixon: You're getting off easy, Obama. All I did was cover up a little burglary operation and look what they did to me.
Obama: But it gets worse for me, Dick. I told the American people they could keep their health insurance policies and their doctors. The fools actually believed me and are now punishing me for it. The botched rollout of ObamaCare, my signature achievement, is also hurting me.
Nixon: With all due respect, Obama, I couldn't care less about your problems.
Obama: But, Dick, in November a majority of Americans said they no longer find me honest or trustworthy. It's a trust issue, Dick. I am losing the people's trust. You have been through worse. Surely you have some advice.
Nixon: They don't like us to discuss politics up here, Obama.
Obama: But, Dick, if I don't turn things around, everyone will be comparing my presidency to yours. Everyone will be talking about Watergate and dismal presidential poll numbers. Do you really want people dredging all of that up again?
Nixon: All right, then, Obama. I'll help you just this once. If you weren't such a rookie, you would have been able to figure this out for yourself.
Obama: Go on, Dick!
Nixon: You must continue delaying or adjusting ObamaCare to lessen the pain it is causing the American people — even if your actions are unconstitutional. And for goodness' sake, fire somebody. Haven't you ever heard of scapegoating?
Obama: But I have had such luck just blaming President Bush.