Todd Starnes

Due to unanticipated ObamaCare costs, many proctologists discovered they could make more money as coffee house baristas. A growing number of airline passengers were using the TSA as their primary care physicians.

“Sadly, we were counting on those TSA agents to stand in the gap,” he said.

Amidst the reports of disease and pestilence, Higgins did tell me our national crisis has inspired moments of glory.

“We were able to save several significant positions in the administration,” he said, “most notably the grounds keeper at the Andrews Air Force Base Golf Course and the White House Brew Master.”

What about the White House vegetable garden, I wondered.

“Well, there was quite a bit of discussion about who would hoe Mrs. Obama’s garden,” Higgins allowed. “There was a heated debate – but the N.S.A. finally decided it was a matter of national security to weed whack the president’s radishes.”

Suddenly there was a loud commotion. I could hear lots of shouting and cell phones ringing.

“Take us to Def-Con Two, stat,” a deep baritone voice rumbled.

“Higgins, what’s happening?”

I could hear Higgins gasping for air. His voice was hushed.

“Todd, it’s happening,” he said. “Strategic Air Command just picked up an unidentified object advancing on the White House.”

“The North Koreans?”

“No,” he whispered. “It’s the Angel of Death.”

Higgins said the Air Force was dispatching two drones out of Andrews to try and get a lock on the other-worldly being – but he didn’t sound hopeful.

I asked about Plan B.

“We’re going to let Biden answer the door,” he said.

Suddenly, the line went dead and Higgins was no more.

To quote the prophets of old:

“Budget cuts, O Budget Cuts! Blast you, Sequestration! Oh disease and pestilence, Thy stench flares my nostrils. Thus Sweet Lady Liberty Weeps.”

Todd Starnes

Todd Starnes is the host of Fox News & Commentary – heard daily on 250+ radio stations. He’s also the author of “Dispatches From Bitter America.” To check out all of his work you can visit his website or follow him on Twitter @toddstarnes. In his spare time, Todd is active in his church, plays golf, follows SEC football, and eats barbecue. He lives in New York City.