Tim Slagle

Great. A new car that is capable of reaching the blinding speed of 35 MPH… for an hour, before you have to plug it in. (It is specifically intended for urban transport, since a cross-country trip would be quicker in a covered wagon.) No trunk or radio, no heat or air conditioning, and when it rains, you get wet. Boy, I can't wait for the future!

This isn't the future I was promised. The future I was promised was supposed to be full of flying cars, and jet packs, and robots that dusted the furniture while making sarcastic remarks. Instead, we have these Logan’s Run death carts that might someday be controlled by a remote processor, and could be stopped from a central command if you try to flee the city before your 30th birthday.

I cannot stress this enough: This is what the Global Warming scientists want to stick you in. They think that big trucks and sexy sports cars are destroying the planet. Not coincidentally, trucks and sports cars are the very vehicles preferred by tough guys and jocks, the same guys that beat the scientists up in high school. The PUMA is their answer to the new sporty crossovers, cars that put the scientists’ rusty old Volvo Station-wagons to shame. Scientists are seeking the revenge they could not get in high school by sticking us into dork-mobiles. And with his recent firing of GM CEO Rick Wagoner, the DORKUS in Chief of is now stationed to make it happen.

Nobody is going to buy these things. Like the Segway that spawned it, nobody is going to want to drive a suped-up Rascal into work every morning. Only under the penalty of fines and incarceration will Americans sacrifice style and comfort for the wild visions of a mad scientist.

How many laws have already been passed against cool? Helmet laws, seat belt laws, and smoking bans have limited Americans’ choice to look cool. (How come "choice" doesn't extend beyond the uterus?) The same wallflowers that ran for student council are now in charge of this nation; the ones that told the teachers that the punch was spiked are frantically trying to legislate the fun out of everything American.

It is just another phase in the Dorkification of America. Americans have always had a swagger that set them apart from other citizens of the world, and the ultimate revenge of the nerds would be to turn these United States into Europe. Dorky kids look normal in Europe, where their pale complexions, skinny slumping postures, and bad teeth fit in quite well.

It would be funny, if it were not so serious.

Tim Slagle

Tim Slagle is a political Satirist who has been working the comedy nightclub circuit for a long time.