Terry Paulson

7. Throw in a little environmental sensitivity. Let them know that because of the recession, you can't afford your organically grown vegetables. Tell them your limited budget has forced you to feed your children hamburgers! Let them know that you're losing sleep over the fact that your purchase of such animal products is contributing to America's growing carbon footprint and to the increase in cow flatulents in the atmosphere. Just keep saying, "You don't want to do anything to make global warming worse!"

8. Express your joy that a black American of mixed race has finally been elected President. Let them know that your family's mixed ancestry need no longer be an embarrassment, but a badge of honor. They'll be too uncomfortable to ask you what that means, and it just might earn you affirmative action consideration. With any luck, there might be a mule and 40 acres of land in your future!

9. Mention that in coming across the border as a child, you never realized what a great country America really was. Enough said. You certainly went over some border somewhere, and America always looks better in comparison. Just know that if they suspect that you might be an illegal immigrant, they'll give you anything you want. Don't risk a bad Spanish accent; just say that you're so glad your family made you learn "good English!"

10. Now, if you're feeling guilty about any part of this strategy, don't worry! Ethics are all relative, and you can’t let doubts about your integrity and character get in the way of your needs. Besides, self-reliance is overrated, and the work-ethic requires work! Remember, it takes a village-a village of givers and takers! Be the best taker you can be and be proud of it. After all, the rich probably cheated to get their money, and now it's your turn to get yours!

With these helpful hints, you're sure to move to the front of the line. Getting something for nothing will feel good for awhile. On the surface, people will pretend to care about you. You'll get funds, no respect and a lot of government interference in your life. But don't let petty gossip and loss of liberty get in your way. A final note: The Surgeon General warns that using these tips may be hazardous to your career, mental and spiritual health and a disaster to the country you love.

Terry Paulson

Terry Paulson, PhD is a psychologist, award-winning professional speaker, author of The Optimism Advantage: 50 Simple Truths to Transform Your Attitudes and Actions into Results, and long-time columnist for the Ventura County Star.

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