Begin transmission…not sure how much longer I can keep this thing on…but it’s important you know what happened here…I kept a running diary of our final few days…it all started with the Sequester.
Day one of Sequester…hunkering down hoping for the best but expecting the worst...already worried about running low on ammo (arrows, guns are bad remember) and perishables...had to run to the airport to raid vendo-land for rations…also ran into some slick spots from melting snow my local guvment agent wasn't there to clear, but disaster averted miraculously on my own...local TSA agent at airport was still there to have me turn and cough, and he let me know my prostate checked out, too...now patiently waiting for the Emergency Broadcast System to warn me of impending doom, assuming of course the guvment doesn't have to turn that off, too...I hope not…Without guvment I have no internal survival instinct, let alone a sense of direction, so I’m not sure what I will do....gotta go now...don't want to waste generator power and there's a Morgan Fairchild marathon on Lifetime...stay tuned.
Sequester day two...thankfully power is still on...water tastes funny, but that could be the water softener is broken. However, without guvment to tell me I don't know what to do. Thankfully, the only side effects so far are a chalky aftertaste...a lot of wild rumors right now about what's happening top side. Not sure what to believe...my friend Rick promises to protect us, and Darrell and Merle (if you can put up with his Neanderthal attitude) are both good with a crossbow...our lookout says he saw those stupid Christians still going to church this morning regardless. Where was their God when they were shutting down 2.89% of the guvment? Yet another tragedy where their God is silent...We're trying to provide shelter to as many laid off bureaucrats as possible, but we can't save them all...afraid to turn on state approved media for fear of seeing just how brutal it is out there...whatever state approved higher power you pray to, please ask it to end this soon. We're chanting now...stay tuned.
Sequester day three...was awakened way too early this morning to sounds of cars starting and people pouring out of their houses...must've been at least 8 am...no human being is up that early unless they are in a panic...I was so startled I knocked over my half-drank can of Code Red from my stash in the storage area...my mom yelled downstairs its probably just people going to some place called a “job” and nothing to worry about, but down here in her basement, err, I mean our bunker we know a panic when we hear one...besides, how could these people have work without the guvment...trying to calm our nerves with some medicinal marijuana...still concerned about turning on state approved media for fear of seeing the carnage out there...what if cat was spelled d-o-g? Stay tuned.
Sequester day four...this will be my final transmission...our group has splintered and now I'm crushed...after I ran out of weed several decided to brave the outside world to go home...others will only stay here as long as I have Cheetos...my mom has been outside several times, but when I try to get her to give me an update on what she saw she just rolls her eyes and tells me I need a life...what do you expect from someone that watches Fox News...our video game console blew up as well, and now we are in complete panic mode...low on weed and Cheetos, no gaming, and I haven't watched Bill Maher in days...if my guvment disability check doesn't get here soon we are done…goodbye cruel world…and I still blame George W. Bush!
Steve Deace's nationally-syndicated radio show airs coast-to-coast each weeknight from 9-Midnight eastern, including many of the Salem Radio Network's top conservative talk stations in markets like New York City, Houston, Philadelphia, Seattle, and Minneapolis. His radio program has been featured in major media such as Fox News, CBS News, ABC News, CNN, MSNBC, The Washington Post, The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, Politico, The Weekly Standard, and National Review among others. In 2013 he wrote the second-most shared column of the year for USA Today, defending "Duck Dynasty" and traditional American values. In addition to being a contributor for Town Hall.com, Deace is also a columnist for The Washington Times. He is also the author of the new book Rules for Patriots: How Conservatives Can Win Again, which includes a foreword by David Limbaugh and is endorsed by a who's who of conservative leaders. You can follow him on Twitter @SteveDeaceShow.