Rich Galen

* If we can get the presentation trimmed down to, oh, an hour forty, we can film me doing it and submit it for consideration for an Academy Award. [Note: Insert appropriate Turkey, Greece and Hungary jokes here]

* Another huge plus would be to publish a book: "An Inconvenient Tooth" explaining in excruciating detail what is involved in the whole overeating phenomenon and how we must change it before we are all necessarily buried in piano cases.

* I will give speeches on the rubber boneless, skinless chicken breast circuit. My ample speaking fee would be shared with worthy international anti-plump societies to do good works among their spreading populations.

* The crowning glory would be the Nobel. Even I am not so vain as to suggest I would win a Nobel Peace Prize for my anti-fat crusade.

* I would certainly settle for a Nobel Pie Piece.

Rich Galen

Rich Galen has been a press secretary to Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich. Rich Galen currently works as a journalist and writes at