I struck up a close friendship with a man. We take longs walks
or simply talk for hours. I trust that our somewhat intense
relationship will remain platonic because he is married and I am
in a committed long-term relationship. Yet this feels like a
nonsexual affair, because we haven't told our partners about it,
an omission that feels like a sort of betrayal. May we continue
to see each other in this way? -- Name Withheld
That you feel you are betraying your partner is sufficient
reason to make a change, although doing so will be dicey now that
this "somewhat intense" connection is established. What is
unsettling is not that you've done anything discreditably lurid
but that you are keeping a significant secret from your partner,
what sterner folks could call "sneaking around." (And by "sterner
folks," I mean me.) Your partner assumes you are candid about
things that are important to you, but you are not.
It is your own language that is disturbing -- "affair,"
"betrayal." As you imply, it is possible to have a dangerous
liaison even with your clothes on and despite your intentions for
the future. This is not to demand emotional (or even physical)
monogamy. Different couples have different rules. Some people
reserve a lot of privacy for themselves; others reveal all.
Rather, you ought to be true to yourself, heed the dictates of
your conscience and honor the implicit agreements of your
relationship. And that means either coming clean to your old
partner or breaking it off with your new friend.
UPDATE: She (as it happens) spoke to her partner and says,
"While he does not attribute any good/neutral intentions to the
other man, he has expressed his trust in me and my decision
whether or not to continue meeting my 'friend.'" She has not
severed that connection.
I am a student intern at a nonprofit theater. In researching a
new play, an assigned task, I discovered that many passages were
taken verbatim and without citation from various sources, ranging
from Web sites to literary journals. I would like to alert the
theater's artistic director, but I fear tensions and
recriminations. Must I take that risk? -- Name Withheld