Rachel Alexander

I've successfully increased the national debt more during three years in office than George W. Bush did during his eight years as president. My latest budget proposes a deficit of $1.3 trillion. My opponents say I don't care about reducing the deficit. That is not true, I have made deep cuts in military spending and will continue to do so. I successfully ended the war in Iraq, and as soon as I can claim a victory in Afghanistan I will send our troops home. I am also asking seniors to make sacrifices in their healthcare. I've found a way to cut healthcare costs by creating “death panels” to pick and choose which elderly people should receive healthcare. Unfortunately my critics have attacked this wise cost-cutting measure. From here on out, I will refer to these panels as “deficit-cutting panels.”

Under my administration, we have sneaked in the United Nations' Agenda 21 to each and every town and city. We are making great strides at transforming America from private property ownership to communal living.

When I was in Detroit last week, I had a conversation with “Ahmed,” a regular American just like yourselves. Ahmed lost his job working for Ford. He has an illness that is rather embarrassing so I will not say what it is. When the government bailed out General Motors, Ahmed was able to find work again and is now happily employed making screws for GM. The work he is doing is inefficient, and could be just as easily performed by a machine, but he now has a paycheck and healthcare benefits again. I am grateful to the unions, which stand up for little guys like Ahmed, and keep the government money coming in to prop up corporations like General Motors that consistently lose money. So not only have I created thousands of new government jobs, I have also created jobs in the private sector.

I want to make America number one. What would I grade myself on achieving this goal? We have a bigger trade deficit with China than any other country. I give myself an A grade for making us number one. I have made great strides protecting free speech. We export more pornography than any other country, over 80% of all pornography. That's another A. We're not number one for viewing the most porn, but we can change that, I hope. So that grade is incomplete.

This election is about a choice between two different paths for America. Do you want a president who makes it a top priority for women to fund their abortions and contraception? Or do you want a president who holds the archaic position that others should not have to pay for your procreation decisions?

We're Americans, we belong to the government. We all help each other. No one who is successful did it on their own. Einstein, Bill Gates, Beethoven; they all had government assistance in some way. As the lady I defeated in 2008 said, “It takes a village.” It all comes down to family. I fondly recall smoking joints with my grandfather in the early 1970s. We had some deep, meaningful conversations.

I want to thank some community organizers who have helped me and given me hope. Saul Alinsky, Bill Ayers, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Van Jones, Nancy Pelosi, Rev. Al Sharpton, Michael Moore, A.C.O.R.N., and the Occupy movement.

I chose Joe Biden as my Vice President because I knew he could overcome his plagiarism problem. I wanted to give him a second chance at being honest. So far he has lived up to my expectations, as far as I know he hasn't done it again since being Vice President.

We can do better. We can achieve the level of government caring and sophistication that France has. Plus, we can do it with more diversity. We won't try to keep Muslims, illegal immigrants and criminals out of the country, we will welcome them with open arms as our brothers and sisters. As our Statue of Liberty says, "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” This includes those who are too tired to work and those who are so poor that we have to immediately put them on welfare. Yes we can.

I never said this journey would be easy. Our path is getting harder, because we are headed down the same path as Europe, but it will all be worth it. Let's just keep our eyes fixed on that distant horizon, the beautiful Mediterranean shores of France, Spain and Greece.

Rachel Alexander

Rachel Alexander is the editor of the Intellectual Conservative. She also serves as senior editor of The Stream.