Election 2008 - Who is your boogeyman?

Phil Harris
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Posted: Dec 21, 2007 12:01 AM
Election 2008 - Who is your boogeyman?

The boogeyman is coming, and he is going to get someone next year, no doubt about it. Yes sir, the boogeyman is going to decide this upcoming presidential election and nothing can stop him. The only question left to answer is which boogeyman it is going to be.

There are boogeymen scattered all over the place. On the left, on the right, and right smack in the middle of the road, the boogeyman is lurking. No matter your ideology, no matter your theology, rest assured that a boogeyman has your name written on his dark little heart, and he will be coming for you next year.

Beady little eyes have focused on these words as I write them. Otherwise known as the P.C. Police, these self-anointed givers of the law of political correctness will sniff out violations more quickly than sharks smell blood in the sea. I have made a serious gender-specific blunder here, by referring to the boogeyman as opposed to the boogeyperson. For this crime, I should lose a finger, or a toenail at the very least. Nothing is above the law of political correctness, not even God him/her-self, or so they tell me.

Who will be victims after this coming election? If a candidate from the left becomes President, a few will quiver in revulsion because a black man or a woman has achieved the highest office. Others will despair because abortion gains a breather, and a bright new cheerleader. More will reach for their wallets, wanting to remember how it feels when it has money in it.

Any of these along with Ron Paul will bring joy to the streets of Tehran and Riyadh, and the mountains between Afghanistan and Pakistan. Many in America will begin purchasing bottled water, plastic sheeting, and duct tape.

Captured terrorists will breathe a sigh of relief with a McCain Presidency. Those who hunt terrorists will cinch up their bulletproof vests, and squat a little lower in their armored vehicles, because what little plot-spoiling intelligence we had will have dried up completely.

Ufologists may want to keep an eye out for the mother ship from the planet Kolob if Mitt Romney takes the helm. Can we trust his allegiances if faced with extra terrestrial visitors? It may seem a silly question, but no more far-fetched than what he believes his destiny to be, if in fact, his profession to his faith is genuine. More important, can the most liberal state of the union elect an honest conservative as governor? I smell a boogeyman here somewhere.

Thompson will cause many to fret about Presidential appearances. His contemplative speaking style no doubt raises the "stupid man" alarm. God forbid we should rest in the hands of another Thespian, because we all know how disastrous such has been in the past. After all, the incompetence of Ronald Regan nearly ruined totalitarianism for future generations.

Mike Huckabee could be nothing but trouble for the Abortion Empire, and if you give a Christian, not to mention a former Baptist preacher the seat of power… you may as well kiss your hedonistic butt goodbye. If this man becomes President, any chance to install the Church of Secular Purity as the only acceptable state sponsored religion is out the window.

There are just so darn many boogeymen out there, like money-grubbing workers who want to keep most of their money instead of giving it to the Infernal Robinhood Service. Hordes of tired and poor, and huddled masses are swimming across the Rio Grande. Women are in danger of losing their constitutionally guaranteed exterminators license. Trial lawyers might face tough times ahead, and God forbid, they may have to live the lower lifestyle common among doctors.

Yeah, it will be a tough year for sure. Keep an eye out for suffering neighbors, because someone you know will likely be overcome by a boogeyman or two after the elections are over. Nevertheless, I am absolutely convinced that we can get through this together as Americans. Oops… I mean North Americans.