My fellow Americans, if Congress will just get off its duff and spend more there'll be pie in the sky and enough for everybody who votes right. This I believe: American business and industry can compete with anyone in the world if those fat cats will just pay more taxes, stop exploiting the masses, and generally follow my orders. Look at Mitt Romney's tax return, if you can lift it, and notice all the tax breaks he gets just for investing in the American economy. I say to American business tonight: I'm from the federal government and I'm here to help you. I killed Osama bin Laden, didn't I?
My overseas contingency operations are completely unlike George W. Bush's war on terror despite a certain superficial resemblance in goals, methods, successes and everything else. Mainly because the name is different, and because these wars -- I mean military operations -- are mine.
Just as I vowed, we are going to close down the stockade at Guantanamo and refrain from trying war criminals in military courts. Just as soon as it's not too dangerous and impractical. Maybe by the next decade, or the next century, or whenever we're no longer threatened by terrorists. Eric Holder at Justice will tell us when it's safe.
As not only president of the United States but governor of each of these states, I will see to it that we outlaw drop-outs and keep those little suckers in school till they graduate and become the colleges' problem. Our universities don't have to teach near enough remedial courses as it is. And I killed Osama bin Laden.
My fellow Americans, we all know Washington is dysfunctional, and I want to assure you I have nothing to do with it. I don't even live in this town, I just drop by now and then.
I can't emphasize this too much: I have nothing to do with Washington's petty, partisan politics. Only those obstructionist Republicans in the House are responsible for all this gridlock. My roots are out in the country, on the campaign trial.
Now to sum up foreign affairs in 100 words or less: I want to assure all those brave, freedom-loving heroes who launched the Arab Spring that we shall never desert you in your hour of victory and until then will exercise the greatest discretion. We will also prevent those madmen in Iran from developing a nuclear weapon until the very moment they have one.
I think that about covers it. God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America. Did I mention that I killed Osama bin Laden?
At this point, members of Congress applaud for 5.7 minutes, and then file out singing, to the tune of Britannia Rules the Waves, 'So-lyn-dra, So-lyn-dra, So-lyn-dra rules the Sun!' Followed by the hymn "How Great We Art."
The End. Mercifully.