And in the aftermath of Sept. 11, 2001, the Security Council agreed to help the United States oust the Taliban from power in Afghanistan. Three times in 60 years is not a record of great accomplishment.
The U.N. "Human Rights Commission" is a sick joke. If your "fellow ambassadors" don't fix it or finish it next month, tell 'em that the American taxpayers are going to cut off the cash and stop underwriting dictatorial makeovers for the likes of Robert Mugabe, Fidel Castro and Muammar Qaddafi.
The same thing goes for the U.N.'s so-called "peacekeepers," who have been accused of child rape in the Congo and killing unarmed civilians in Haiti. If the keepers of the keys in the Big Blue Building on Turtle Bay fail to apprehend and punish the pedophile perpetrators of these crimes, cut the cash.
Don't be afraid to stick it to the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA), either. The Iranians are building nuclear weapons, the North Koreans are making more of them, and the IAEA can't decide what to do about either rogue dictatorship. Let Mohamed El-Baradei know that we're blowing the whistle on his Keystone Cops -- and the Russian, Chinese, French and German firms that provide the nuclear weapons know-how and technology.
John, because this is a family-friendly publication, let me put this next piece of advice in Latin: Non illegitemi carborundum est. Hate to put it this way, John, but Kofi and his cronies really don't like you any more than the liberals in the U.S. Senate do. You're not going to be invited to the all-night cocktail parties at Manhattan's hot spots. The New York Times welcomed you to the Big Apple by observing that you "will not be wreaking diplomatic havoc anywhere else."
Take these as compliments. You no longer have to travel halfway around the world just to have a maniacal dictator like North Korea's Kim Jung Il call you "human scum." At the U.N., you can get those kinds of kudos every day. Hang each one in your heart as a trophy to American ideals.
After the treatment you received at the hands of Senate liberals, the striped pants set at the Big Blue Building are pikers. Shame them with your work ethic -- you get more done before breakfast than these guys do in a month.
Finally, John, try to bring a little humor to the place. U.N. bureaucrats are the most uptight, self-righteous group of pompous, incompetent airheads to gather in one place since Jimmy Carter's last Cabinet meeting. Before your first meeting in the Security Council, go over and say hello to the French ambassador and, just before he sits down, slip a whoopee cushion on his chair.
The Chinese communists secretly love that kind of humor. The Brits will be appalled at the flatulent nature of the joke, but will endorse the target. If anyone complains, tell 'em it's U.S. retaliation for Jacques Chirac slobbering all over the first lady during her last visit to France.
Oh, and one more thing. When speaking with Kofi and his cronies, try to avoid using words like "sovereignty," "national security" or "integrity." You can tell by the corneal glaze-over -- those words only confuse him.