Vegetable oil and tours of 'duty'

Oliver North
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Posted: Jul 29, 2005 12:00 AM

FRANCE -- "Hanoi Jane" Fonda seems to have tired of her moniker. The wilted flower child who firmly established her place in American history when she mounted a North Vietnamese anti-aircraft gun has decided it's time to teach a whole new generation to blame America first. If she actually goes through with her plans for a new protest movement, she may well become known as "Jihadist Jane." It has a better ring. More alliteration.

 Fonda says she wants to criss-cross the nation in a bus powered by vegetable oil, advocating the end of U.S. military operations in Iraq. She's inviting the families of war veterans to ride along as props because, she says, the veterans she met while hawking her autobiography encouraged her to "break her silence."

 Unfortunately, her publicists won't give the names of any veterans slated to join her tour, and the only notable encounter she's had with a veteran recently ended with her wiping that wheelchair-bound hero's saliva off her face. "I've decided I'm coming out," she said. "It's another example of the government lying to the American people in order to get us into war." She added that, "It's going to be pretty exciting." Maybe. Fonda recognizes that she carries "a lot of baggage" -- and she wasn't talking about the stuff removed by her plastic surgeon.

 One way Fonda can overcome the lack of enthusiasm for her "nationwide tour," is to grant "exclusive access" to journalists who could help her tell her story. One suggestion would be to include NBC anchorman Brian Williams, who could put the tour and the war in historical perspective. After all, it was Williams' brilliant insight during a recent broadcast that revealed to the American public what they never previously knew -- that the first few American presidents were "terrorists." Another suggestion is to include former CNN correspondent Peter Arnett. Arnett, who makes his home in Baghdad, would do a great job of explaining the war and its meaning -- from the terrorists' point of view.

 Another A-list guest Fonda should include is Pennsylvania Lt. Gov. Catherine Baker Knoll. It seems Ms. Knoll likes to crash the funerals of fallen heroes and hand out bumper stickers and yard signs. Liberals started this practice a few years ago when they turned the funeral of Sen. Paul Wellstone into a foot-stompin', heart-thumpin', hand-clappin', barn-burnin', get-out-the-vote affair. But when Knoll showed up -- uninvited -- to the funeral of Marine Staff Sgt. Joseph Goodrich to assure the grieving family that, "Our government is against this war," it crossed the line of decency, making her a perfect candidate to join Jihad Jane.

 Finally, Fonda needs to select an exciting itinerary. Herewith, are a few suggestions:

 Jane, start in the South. Southerners are naturally hospitable. Take in the D-Day Museum in New Orleans. It's full of surprises. You like the canard that "Iraq had nothing to do with Sept. 11." Well, the Germans didn't attack us at Pearl Harbor, but we fought them anyhow. A bit of advice if I may: Bring your own mechanic. Though the south has its fair share of farms, Cooter's Garage outlets, and NASCAR fans, no self-respecting mechanic is going to fix a broken down vegetable oil-powered bus.

 Then, swing by a few sites in Texas to tell soldiers they're "fighting and dying for lies." Fort Hood -- home of the 4th Infantry Division -- might work. These soldiers that I covered for FOX News have already spent a year in Iraq -- and they are getting ready to go again! They clearly need your help because they are reenlisting at a phenomenal pace -- the unit has already exceeded its retention goals for the entire year.

 The Burn Unit at Brooke Army Medical Center at Fort Sam Houston would surely have a few of the soldiers you claim to support; perhaps they'd be interested to hear your opinions about the low value of their disfiguring sacrifices. CENTCOM, Fort Stewart, Camp Lejeune and Fort Bragg, the home of our Special Forces, are all "must sees" along the way.

 Finally, Jane, you'll want to finish in our nation's capital. When you get there, pick up Teddy Kennedy and Dick Durbin. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when they relate their historical analogies to the boys over at Walter Reed Army Medical Center and the National Naval Medical Center.

 Be sure to visit the graves of America's heroes at Arlington Cemetery before making your final stop at a polished granite wall on the National Mall. There, you will find inscribed the names of 58,249 heroes you spat upon when perched atop that VC gun.

 Hopefully at some point during your Jihadist journey, you will bump into Sgt. Christopher Missick of the 319th Signal Battalion. While in Iraq, Missick met hundreds of good Americans through his blog, "A Line in the Sand." Home now, he and a fellow veteran are driving around the country -- fueled by conventional gasoline -- to meet some of the patriots -- his "web of support" -- who sent letters, packages and prayers. He wants to personally thank them and "meet the heart of America."

 That's the kind of support the troops appreciate, not your caravan of craven critics.

 Author's note: In last week's column, Sen. Dick Durbin of Pol Pot fame was misidentified as being from Ohio. While readers in Illinois were appreciative of his relocation, I regret the embarrassment it caused our friends in the Buckeye State.