-- Third, it's the sex thing, John. If you want to see the Libs on the raised dais squirm, bring up the sexual malfeasance that infects every level of the United Nations. Remind them that Ruud Lubbers had to resign as high commissioner for refugees under a cloud of stink not seen since the Clinton White House. Tell 'em about the so-called U.N. "peacekeepers" in Congo who rape women and girls as young as seven and the U.N. general who molested his translator -- a young boy. And then ask the potentates of pork why these blue bonnets who leave destitute refugees with a slew of fatherless children and new diseases should be immune to prosecution.
-- Fourth, call 'em as you see 'em, John. The bloated bigwigs attacking you aren't used to plain English. Like the striped-pants-set at the United Nations, the senators who are giving you a hard time are masters at obfuscation -- like calling a tax increase "revenue enhancement." When they try this, remind them about Rwanda, where the United Nations failed to act and 800,000 perished, or Kosovo, where the tortured remains exhumed from mass graves scream for justice. And then tell the good senators who purport to care about "human rights" that while they delay your appointment, the United Nations has "looked into" the situation in Sudan and found that while "crimes against humanity" have occurred, there's no evidence of a "policy of genocide." Tell your inquisitors who bought Bill Clinton's definition of the word is, that when you get to the United Nations, you will call genocide what it is: genocide.
-- Fifth, Kofi's corruption. Lots of the guys who don't want you at the United Nations love to be seen on the cocktail circuit with their pal Kofi Annan. Tell Kofi's cronies that their buddy presided over the "Oil-for-Food" scandal -- where billions of dollars to feed Iraqis were instead spent by Saddam to build palaces, purchase weapons and buy-off foreign leaders to keep the big, bad United States at bay.
They will point out that Paul Volcker has already nailed Kofi's chum, Benon Sevan -- the 30-year-U.N.veteran who headed up the Oil for Food program. Remind them that Kofi's son, Kojo, is implicated, as well. Kofi swears he "didn't know anything" about it all. That argument didn't work for Martha Stewart or the folks running Enron. It shouldn't work for Kofi.
-- Sixth, "Eurocrats" in our Senate will want to know your views on giving Germany a permanent seat -- and a "veto" -- on the Security Council. Counter by suggesting that since "Old Europe" is so fond of a single currency and talking about pulling out of NATO to build their own "EU Intervention Force," a better option would be to give the French "seat" on the Security Council to the EU -- and require their ambassador to speak in Flemish.
-- Finally, remember that the guys trying to peel your hide are "tax and spend" experts. Ask 'em how the United Nations' madcap idea of taxing American citizens under its so-called "Millennium Development Goals" will go down with their constituents. For good measure, tell your well-dressed interrogators that when you get to the United Nations, you will do something about that unnatural shade of blue U.N. troops wear on deployments. It sticks out like a pink feather boa and screams "put crosshairs here."
John, I haven't been this excited about a U.N. ambassador since the heady days of Jeanne Kirkpatrick. Keep your cool in the hearings. Save your best for New York. It should be a fun ride.
Oliver North is a nationally syndicated columnist, the host of War Stories on the Fox News Channel, the author of the new novel Heroes Proved and the co-founder of Freedom Alliance, an organization that provides college scholarships to the children of U.S. military personnel killed or permanently disabled in the line of duty. Join Oliver North in Israel by going to www.olivernorthisrael.com.