Mike Adams

In the wake of all the uproar, the UNCW Gaystapo went to the media to complain about the shutting down of the LGBTQIA Office. And, of course, the university capitulated by reopening the office in a more prominent location in the student union building. The capitulation predictably angered conservatives who are opposed to all of these non-academic offices that promote liberal politics at taxpayer expense. Did you hear that libertarians? Do you understand the connection between social and economic issues?

So what are we conservatives to do in the midst of a difficult and, quite literally, taxing situation? If we shut down the LGBTQIA Office, the LGBTQIA people will continue to scream like petulant children. In the process, they will disrupt the legitimate activities of all the NORMAL people on campus. But if we keep the LGBTQIA Office, then the NORMAL people will all have a claim to offices representing their opposition to the LGBTQIA political agenda.

Naturally, I have a solution to all of this drama. It’s called the SMLXL Center. It may sound strange, but I think it gets to the heart of why people discriminate against LGBTQIA people – and it does so without entering the messy realm of sexual politics.

It does not take a rocket scientist to figure out that gay dudes are, on average, skinnier than straight dudes. That is why it is easier to bully them in the school yard. If gay dudes were as large as straight dudes, it would be much more difficult to push them around.

Nor does it take a rocket scientist to figure out that lesbians are, on average, bigger than straight chicks. That is why they are so often excluded from the dating pool. Guys simply prefer smaller women over the larger women you see congregating at Indigo Girls concerts. I guess you could say that lesbianism really isn’t a choice. It’s all determined by their jeans!

Since what has previously been characterized as “homophobia” is really body-weight discrimination, all we really need is a campus SMLXL Center. No person should be judged on the basis of whether he or she (or it) wears a small, medium, large, or extra-large t-shirt. Those who would discriminate based on body-type should be prosecuted under the full weight of the justice system. Even gay men who look like lesbians deserve equal protection under the law. Elton John deserves the same treatment as Rosie O’Donnell – even if he isn’t a tiny dancer!

Our LGBTQIA Office needs to be replaced with a new SMLXL Center today. It might not trim any fat off of our bloated state budget. But at least we can spare a general public that is tired of hearing about gay marriage and sodomy. And, who knows, maybe a greater appreciation of weight gain will end the feminist war against pregnancy. It makes little sense to kill small people just to keep others from getting large.

I really think our new body-size diversity center will be a lesson to one and to all. A person is a person, whether extra-large, large, medium, or small.

Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.