Mike Adams
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Author’s Note: The following column contains language that is likely to be offensive to some. It also contains content that is guaranteed to be offensive to everyone with common sense.

Any guy who calls himself “Jennifer” is likely to be high-maintenance. Jennifer Braly, a student who has male genitalia, complained to the University of Arkansas at Fort Smith (UAFS) about his inability to partake in a "pom squad tryout." As a result, UAFS changed its policy to accommodate males who want to try out for the pom squad – simply because they think they are females. The University of Arkansas system hasn’t gone to such lengths to accommodate a sex pervert since they agreed let Bill Clinton teach constitutional law at the Fayetteville campus.

Of course, we all know how the university’s capitulation has played out: it has resulted in the 38-year old Jennifer Braly demanding to be allowed to use all the women’s restrooms on campus. This is problematic because Jennifer has had a name change but not a sex change. Generally speaking, college girls don’t expect to see someone pull out a penis in the women’s restroom – unless of course it’s the women’s restroom at a frat house on a Saturday night.

After initially being denied access to the women’s restroom, Braly turned to Attorney General Holder for help. And he responded to the deranged damsel in distress. A letter from the Department of Justice (DOJ) has now caused UAFS to reverse policy and allow Braly permanent use of women's bathrooms on campus. This is despite fervent and understandable opposition from female students. It is also despite the fact that Braly is the only one to have filed such a complaint at UAFS.

It is worth noting that Braly not only calls himself "transgender" but also admits that he is afflicted with a "gender identity disorder." The fact that he is currently raising money online for sex re-assignment surgery makes it indisputable that he is mentally ill. What is curious is the DOJ decision to side with an obviously mentally ill student against the backdrop of numerous complaints from normal – and not imagined – women who would prefer not to see Braly’s penis the next time they use the women’s restroom. Braly belongs in a mental institution. But I guess an American university is a suitable substitute.

This whole situation is all the more ridiculous given that the university has several gender-neutral bathrooms Braly could use instead of invading the women's restrooms. Of course, that option wasn’t good enough for Braly who complained online that “(T)here are not unisex bathrooms in every building. Especially the two main buildings where most of my classes are, so I have to go to a completely different building to use the restroom." The university offered to convert more current bathrooms into gender-neutral restrooms. But the 38-year old Braly was still unsatisfied. And he decided to sue.

The decision of the DOJ to make this a federal civil rights issue is disturbing. And, naturally, many of us who are aware of the case are also interested in seeing the letter DOJ sent to UAFS. But neither the DOJ nor UAFS are releasing that letter. My friends at Campus Reform have tried but to no avail. So I have decided to intervene.

My approach to dealing with the DOJ will simply be to pull rank on them. Although I never finished law school, I’ll pretend to be a lawyer. Although I’m not a lawyer, I’ll pretend to be a judge. In fact, I’ll pretend to be the most powerful judge in the land – the Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court. Next, I’ll write a letter to Attorney General Holder explaining that he must reverse himself on the Jennifer Braly bathroom mandate (or is it a woman-date?).

It really makes sense to shoot high when you’re pretending to be something you are not. I just hope that when Jennifer Braly has his penis removed it isn’t reattached to his forehead. I’d hate to see a unicorn using the unisex bathroom.

Another Author’s note: Check www.CampusReform.org for updates on this developing story. And, ladies, check the lock on the stall the next time you use the ladies restroom on a college campus. The next civil rights sit-in might not be one you want to witness firsthand.

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Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.